You have stopped by today. You are looking for answers, maybe a break from that whiskey/gin/vodka binge you’ve been on since The Night Sleep Ended on Nov. 8. You are lucky.
Lucky?? Lucky, you say?!
Well, our soon-to-be president, Donald J. Tru… Hang on, my fingers just cramped up typing that …
OK, I’m back. Ouch. Anyway … Donald J. Trump took a respite from his exciting Thank Me So, So Much — And I Mean A LOT Tour and typed to us from the carnival’s, er, tour’s latest stop in Hershey, Pennsylvania, to answer in his very own “best” words a few of the million or so questions that are clattering about our weary minds since The Night Sleep Ended.
These are heady times, folks, and by that I mean really, really fucking depressing, so we are glad to have The Donald on the record to try to explain just how he helped America prove once and for all, it is anything but great.
So … in our words, and then DT’s, the interview.
EnoughAlreadyNow.com: Thank you for doing this. I’d imagine constantly celebrating yourself can be exhausting. And I know you are not fond of the media, so, really, thanks for the time.
Donald J. Trump: You’re welcome. Yes, if the media keeps recording everything I say, word for word, and then playing it back so that everyone in the country hears exactly what I said, I <will> consider that very, very unfair.
EA: We will try to treat you fairly here, even if we use your exact words.
DT: I’m like a really smart person. I know words. I have the best words. I’m like a really smart person.
EA: Yes, I have heard you say that — a lot.
DT: Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.
EA: Sorry, what?
DT: She will cheat on him again.
EA: What?! Who?!
DT: Kristen Stewart.
EA: You don’t like Kristen Stewart apparently.
DT: No. <but> I cherish women. I want to help women. I’m going to be able to do things for women that no other candidate would be able to do.
EA: Like what?
DT: I have days where, if I come home — and I don’t want to sound too much like a chauvinist – but when I come home and dinner’s not ready, I go through the roof. I think that putting a wife to work is a very dangerous thing.
EA: I don’t think that’s helping. Maybe you can offer a better example?
DT: Prenuptial agreements. There are basically three types of women and reactions. One is the good woman who very much loves her future husband, solely for himself, but refuses to sign the agreement on principle. I fully understand this, but the man should take a pass anyway and find someone else.
The other is the calculating woman who refuses to sign the prenuptial agreement because she is expecting to take advantage of the poor, unsuspecting sucker she’s got in her grasp. There is also the woman who will openly and quickly sign a prenuptial agreement in order to make a quick hit and take the money given to her.
EA: Dude, you are definitely not helping here. And you are obsessed with women. And in an awful — truly not good — way. (Why am I typing in this weird — not sane — way?) I mean you are even unspeakably crude to your daughter!
DT: I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her. I was going to say sex, but I can’t relate that to her.
EA: This is really, really fucking disgusting. Let’s move onto other subjects.
DT: You know who’s one of the great beauties of the world, according to everybody? And I helped create her. Ivanka. My daughter, Ivanka. She’s 6 feet tall, she’s got the best body. She made a lot money as a model—a tremendous amount.
EA: Please, please stop! Enough Already! Whoa, that was clever right there, no?
DT: It’s great. Fabulous. Not pathetic. I went to the Wharton School of Business.
EA: Excellent. Finally, something besides women.
DT: All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.
EA: <ahem> … Moving on … You lost the election by almost 3 million votes yet you are claiming a mandate.
DT: In addition to winning the Electoral College in a landslide, I won the popular vote if you deduct the millions of people who voted illegally.
EA: You didn’t win in a landslide, and have offered no proof millions of people voted illegally.
DT: It’s all because of me.
EA: What?! What is?!
DT: The election. I’m speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.
EA: You are speaking with us. But, agree you have said a lot of things.
DT: Putin called me a genius. I like him so far, I have to tell you. He’s running his country and at least he’s a leader. You know, unlike what we have in this country.
EA: Well, now it’s your turn to lead.
DT: How stupid are the people of the country to believe this crap?
EA: Finally, we agree … Do you see yourself trying to tone down the racism now that you have somehow been elected?
DT: I don’t have a racist bone in my body. And by the way, just so you know, I am the least racist person, the least racist person that you’ve ever seen, the least.
EA: You said some very inflammatory, ugly things, though.
DT: You mean Pocahontas?
EA: Well, yes, among other awful things. The KKK and David Duke seem to like you, too.
DT: Well just so you understand, I don’t know anything about David Duke, OK? I don’t know anything about what you’re even talking about with white supremacy or white supremacists. So, I don’t know. I don’t know, did he endorse me, or what’s going on? Because, you know, I know nothing about David Duke. I know nothing about white supremacists. And so you’re asking me a question that I’m supposed to be talking about people that I know nothing about.
EA: Respectfully, Duke did endorse you, and you talk about a lot of things and people you know nothing about.
DT: I don’t think anybody should listen to me because I haven’t really focused very much. How stupid are the people of Iowa? How stupid are the people of the country to believe this crap?
EA: Again, we find ourselves agreeing, though I’m not sure why you are picking on Iowa. Actually, check that. They deserve it. Help yourself. I know you don’t have much more time, but a couple of questions about the birther issue before you continue your Thank Me So, So Much — and I Mean A LOT Tour.
DT: I feel like a supermodel except, like, times 10, OK? It’s true. I’m a supermodel.
EA: What the fuck, Donald?
DT: Sorry … I am embracing the (birther) issue, and I’m proud of the issue. I think somebody has to embrace it because, frankly, the people that are – and I don’t like the name ‘birther,’ because I think it’s very unfair and I think it’s very derogatory to a lot of very good people that happen to think that there’s a possibility that this man (President Obama) was not born in this country, and by the way, if that were true, you know it’s very interesting, if that were true, it’d be the greatest scam in the history of this country.”
EA: It’s not true, though.
DT: (Obama) doesn’t have a birth certificate. He may have one, but there’s something on that, maybe religion, maybe it says he is a Muslim. I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t want that.
EA: You are saying things that don’t make sense again. You seem a little bit — maybe a helluva lot — unstable, actually.
DT: I have a great temperament. My temperament is very good, very calm.
EA: OK, again, Enough Already. Let’s stop it here. Candidly, it’s shocking to the core even one person voted for you. Just being honest here.
DT: I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters.
EA: Again, sad and true. Hopefully when you are done congratulating yourself, you can stop by and pick up where we left off. We can get into things like the environment ..
DT: I believe in clean air. Immaculate air. … But I don’t believe in climate change.
EA: Yes, right. Maybe we can get into that more. And immigration …
DT: That could be a Mexican plane up there. They’re getting ready to attack.
EA: Plane?! Attack?! What are you talking about???
DT: She’s the devil — nasty. All of these liars will be sued after the election is over.
EA: Please … <interrupted by Trump> …
DT: Rosie’s a person who’s very lucky to have her girlfriend. And she better be careful or I’ll send one of my friends over to pick up her girlfriend, why would she stay with Rosie if she had another choice? Hey, do I look like a president? How handsome am I, right? How handsome? I’m very handsome.
EA: <sigh> Bartender? Keep ’em comin’.