(EDITOR’S NOTE: With polling numbers continuing to show an increase in Americans who want to see Donald J. Trump removed from office, a panicky president assembled a meeting of key Republicans at his country club in Florida to discuss next steps to stem the tide of this crushing chapter of his very important life. A source who you would think would be in a position to know, provided us the striking details of what almost certainly, probably happened during this December 27 meeting at Mar-a-Lago.)
Donald J. Trump <clearing his throat>: I am not happy — very, very sad — I have had to gather us together for this very important meeting today. I thought by now this impeachment farce would be over and I could be standing on my balcony here at the club declaring victory while all my members adored me from the gold-plated patio I just installed for just such tremendous occasions. At the very least I could be watching holiday reruns of Fox and Friends praising me for everything. This is so, so unfair. So unfair … HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS WITH THIS HANGING OVER MY HEAD???????? And I was just told Canada cut me out of the Home Alone movie where I won an Academy Award. I hate those goddam, rotten socialists and their pretty-boy leader.
Stephen Miller: I am sorry, fuhrer. It pains me to see you so down in the dumps during the holidays. Perhaps I can read you a few chapters from Mein Kampf? That always cheers you up.
Trump: Not now, Stephen. Later maybe — in the hot tub after golf. We could turn the temperature up. Sweat a little …
Miller: Ya, fuhrer. Good. Good! I will iron our matching white towels when this meeting is over. They will snap, crackle and pop!
Trump: Well? What the hell do the rest of you have to say for yourself, huh? HUH????
Rudy Giuliani: Er, um, don’t you worry, sir. I am planning a trip to Uzbekistan bright and early tomorrow morning to meet with a couple of my buddies, Slovulite and Ingrsoll. I am told their president is prepared to say literally anything to anybody who will listen that he has plenty of dirt on Nancy Pelosi. Slov told me he’d give me everything I want on the ol’ gal in exchange for three Patriot Missile Batteries, 14 Stingers, 622 RPGs and 4,000 cases of K-rations.
Trump: Good. GOOD! Nancy must be stopped. She has been incredibly mean to me. And she never prays for me, ya know. She just lies about that all the time. She think it bothers me when she says that, but it doesn’t one single bit. I don’t even think about it. I haven’t even tweeted about it in a day or so … or at least in the past couple of hours. She thinks she can get to me like that BUT SHE CAN’T!!!
Miller: Please, fuhrer. You are breaking a sweat. Remember … hot tub, candles, Sean’s fetching pictures … Focus, fuhrer. Please.
Trump: Right, right. OK … Did you say the president of Uzbeckistickistan wants 400 cases of K-rations?
Giuliani: You mean Uzbekistan …. Anyway, I didn’t ask about the K-rats, but I love to snack on the things myself when I am working for extended periods of time in my bunker.
Trump: God knows, what goes on in there.
Giuliani: Down there. You mean DOWN there.
Trump: Down there?
Giuliani: Yes. My secret bunker is situated exactly 37 stories below your bedroom in the White House.
Trump: How come I never knew this?
Giuliani: You’d be amazed by what you don’t know, which is why you better fly straight and save all your ire for the rest of the dumbos in this room who got you into this mess. My insurance has no expiration date as you know.
Mitch McConnell: He’s bluffing, Mr. President. He’s got nothing on you. I’ve got everything under control in the Senate.
Trump: Well, if that’s the case, why is this Lana Malinowski making all of this noise about wanting to know more about the perfect way I handled Ukraine and Biden and his pathetic son?
McConnell: Murkowski, sir. Her name is Lisa Murkowski. She’s from Alaska like your friend, Sarah.
Trump: Are you trying be funny, you dilapidated turtle? You don’t think I know her name? You think you can come into this very important meeting and start correcting me? You think I am going to keep your morally bankrupt wife in my kitchen cabinet forever? Correct me again, you broken Jack in the Box, and you’ll both be out on your asses without a job!! Got that, you triple-chinned ant? I call just one rally in your backward state blasting you and you are done. DONE!!! Got it???
McConnell: Yes, sir. Message received. Don’t worry about Malinowski, Mr. President. I know how to keep these uppity women in their place.
Trump: Good. And what about you Lindsey? You are being mighty quiet over there.
Lindsey Graham: I declare, Mr. President. I despair that you must go though this ruthless process. I seem to go through about seven hankies a day just blowing my nose over the whole terribly wild and ca-razy thing.
Trump: Er, um, thank you, Lindsey, but why do you always insist on bringing your feather duster to these meetings???
Graham: Old habits are hard to break, Mr. President. I just get worked up into such a tizzy I feel like I have to clean, clean, clean …
<room goes silent for five seconds>
Trump: Er, OK. So what’s the plan to get this damn impeachment over and done with so I can plan my victory tour through the south?
<Miller re-enters room>: I have some bad news, fuhrer. Support for removing you is increasing quickly.
Trump: What?!?! Where did this fake poll come from?? How come Sean didn’t tell me about this??
Miller: I think we have underestimated the enemy, fuhrer. They seem to be responding to Pelosi and those anti-American public servants who testified. Apparently Americans are also complaining that their ears are still ringing from all that high-pitched screaming from Doug Collins, Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz. America is not pleased.
Trump: Dammit! I knew those guys would blow it!
Trump: Lindsey put down that goddam feather duster, all that dust is kicking up my allergies.
Graham: Sorry, sir. Nervous is all. And all the trophies on your mantle were a little dusty, especially all the Nobel Prizes.
<room goes silent for 11 seconds>
<Trump clears throat>: Yes, well … Anyway …
Trump: I have a tee time I have to get to, but none of you will leave this room until you have come up with a plan to get me out of this mess. Stephen, summon my nuclear-powered golf cart.
Miller: Ya, fuhrer. I will also warm the hot tub.
Trump: Good, good … Hey! Where the hell are you going, Rudy?
<Giuliani pulls rug away from underneath coffee table>: Trust me, you don’t want to know …
<trap door closes>