THE WHITE HOUSE
Sunday, October 29, 2017, 4:35 a.m.
First, I just want to say that because I have not written a Very Important Letter to you in three weeks, I won’t sit here and waste my time talking about Robert Mueller. OK? As Rince Prius used to say, this is a nothing burger. It is actually an overcooked, half-baked, stale, terrifically awful nothing burger with sloppy cheese and served up by the lying, stinking, awful, fake, putrid, outlandish media! I don’t care about Robert Mueller. I don’t think about Robert Mueller. I wouldn’t even know him if I bumped into him. Though if I did bump into him, I’m sure I would be taller than he is. People think he is taller than he really is because they think everybody is tall in the FBI, like Comey. Well, they aren’t, OK?
OK, there is one thing I think about, did you know his middle name is, Swan? Swan! What kind of name is that anyway? What a weak little girls he is, Swan … I bet he was teased a lot. I would have teased him and he would have deserved it, because that is what I do: tease people who deserve it, and my supporters love me for it. Swan. How come the lying media doesn’t make more of that important story, huh? Swan. Have you seen that printed in the lying, fake, awful New York Times? Of course you haven’t.
And let’s be honest hear, does anybody really believe he went to Princeton and Virginia? Right, sure he did … Look, I am an Ivy-Leaguer and in addition to finishing at the top of my class was a very decent, well-liked guy, so it is hard for me to believe Robert Swan Mueller was able to do that AND serve in Vietnam, which as you know, I would have done, if not called to a much higher duty to someday lead all the generals in the future. If I went to Vietnam and was captured like that loser John McCain, how could I lead all my generals now? You see? I can’t believe people can’t see this. God has a much higher plan for me than most people. This is why the Christians love me so much. They know my calling was huge. It would be too much of a calling for most people. But not me. You can’t call me enough. But just don’t call me late for my tee time. That was a joke at the end there, folks. I actually have a very great sense of humor which is what all my Ivy-League chums used to say about me. They’d say, “Donny, that’ll be about enough out of you, we seriously can’t take it anymore.” Well, as you can imagine, that meant a lot to me. Such great guys …
Anyway, enough about Swan. He is just on a terrifically awful witch hunt, and there are far more important things to be talking about like cutting taxes for everybody in the country. But more on that later.
I want to quickly cover some other important things because it has been so long since I wrote you a Very Important Letter. I want to continue to thank General Kelly. He is my favorite general. I think my other generals are little jealous of General Kelly for being my favorite, but that’s the way it goes sometimes, folks. General Kelly sticks up for me and tells me all the time — not just sometimes — that Robert Swan Mueller has nothing on me. NOTH-THING, OK folks? Nothing. Maybe the only thing he has is the email Crooked Hillary might have written him about my son’s meeting with the Russians. But as I’ve said there was nothing to that, despite what Lying Hillary’s email said. Why do they even care? My son wanted to adopt a few Russians. So what! I’m not sure why, but that’s his business. I mean, it’s my business a little. Actually it’s all my business. That is why everything says, TRUMP! on it. But those Russian kids he wanted to adopt would have been loved just like my other kids, Eric, Ivanka and, um, er … never mind. They know who they are and they are very, very rich. Well not yet, but they will be. Anyway, it’s too bad we couldn’t have adopted those kids. It would have made Melania very, very happy to have somebody to talk to, I’m sure.
Anyway, enough about Russia and kids. I also want to thank Sarah Sanders, who despite her looks, does a fabulous job of defending me and telling people what I would say almost as good as I does. Can you imagine how great she would be at her job if she lost 65 pounds, maybe 70? Instead she just goes out there looking like that and defending me to the lying, stinking, awful, fake, disgusting media about my lack of involvement in Russia, which there is absolutely nothing to. Like I said, I don’t even think about it.
But, again, it’s amazing what a great job Sarah does. I have told her to hang out more with Ivanka, because as you know Ivanka is a Perfect 10. I think Sarah could get to at least a ‘7’ if she’s ate less and hung out with Ivanka. Ivanka doesn’t eat at all hardly and I support that. People have no idea how hard it is on her not to eat.
But enough about the great job Sarah is doing and how thin and beautiful Ivanka is. I just don’t think Jared thinks about her enough like I do. Just saying, folks. Just saying …
Before I end this Very Important Letter, I want to address Liddle’ Bob Corker, Jim Snowflake, and John McCain who showed what traitors they are by attacking me this week. They are just jealous of my success and how much people love me and not them. There is a reason my approval ratings are threw the roof and there’s aren’t. They will see that I will be vindicated by Swan, and then they will come crawling to me. They will see there is absolutely nothing to this whole Russia hoax. They will see that all I wanted was some adopted Russian kids. They will see how completely heartbroken I am that I didn’t get them. And I would have gotten them if Hillary hadn’t written that email.
I hope now everybody see how hard all this has been on me and my family. This is why I never think about it.
God Bless Those how Deserve It!
Donald J. Trump