THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, June 8, 2019, 3:18 a.m.
Good Morning to The Billions of Supporters of me!
First, as always, I just want to thank you for your support. It is very important to me, but much more important to you. In fact, you can’t support me enough. But I appreciate that you are trying. But please try harder. You don’t have to thank me for my advice about this, but you can if you want to and I encourage it. You are welcome.
Because the lying, stinking, fake, awful disgusting media didn’t tell you what a great trip I had to The Overseas this week, I thought I would take time out of my busy Saturday to tell you all about it in my very own incredibly best words.
I want to point out again that no other president in the history of this country took time out of their busy Saturdays to write Very Important Letters like this one to you. When Lincoln was looking up the Gettysburg Address he found it on a Monday or Tuesday. So not so great, folks. Think about that.
Anyway, after a great flight to The Overseas, I want to say that the crowds were extremely supportive of me. Everywhere I went in my helicopter I could see people waving at me. Stephen told me they were pointing at me and chanting I was No. 1! I know that already, but I was glad they did it anyway. There were even huge, flying balloons that looked just like me. So I want to thank the British people for that. They think of everything.
The special dinner I had with the queen was also very nice, but not quite as nice as Barbecue Night at Mar-a-Lago, which I want to remind you again is home to the fattest steaks and thinnest broads on the planet. We also have a special on memberships right now that one of my sons is handling.
Anyway, I depress …
Before dinner, I was told by her terrific queen’s court that the queen was kind of hard to understand because she always talked to people like me under her breath. This was true but I could tell she was saying nice things about me because she only winced twice. I think that’s because she had a backache or something. I will say she has pretty much kept her figure for an old broad, which is incredibly admirable. Most of the ‘older’ ladies I bump into could stand a salad or two. Not the queen, though. I’d say she might even have another year or two left in her which is just incredible. But we’ll see …
I never did see any of her kids, though, because I guess they were busy running the castle, although Prince Charles, a terrific, terrific guy with a rye bread sense of humor commented that my kids seemed to be literally everywhere, which I thought was a very, very nice thing to say. They did make quite an impression on the entire country. I also thought Stephen was incredibly well behaved and kept the Nazi humor to a minimum. Kid can crack wise on that stuff like nothing I’ve heard before. He’s so misunderstood. He is very kind in an incredibly dark way.
Well, after dinner I excused myself to write some diplomatic tweets that turned into threatening war with the Mayor of London. I’m sure you can understand. He is very, very nasty and by looking at him you can tell he isn’t even really English. I feel very sorry for the real English people over there who have to put up with this phony.
I relayed this to Theresa May the next day and told her I saw why Brexit was so hard to get done when you had people like that running big cities, where all the crime and Muslims are. I can’t believe how many Muslims I saw over there. It made me very proud that we don’t have that many Muslims in America. You are welcome for that, by the way, but we better get that wall up soon or we will be overrun by them.
Oh, and we will be announcing a terrific trade deal with England very, very soon. I have no idea what’s in it yet, but I guess we’ll see. We’ll see …
Then it was off to the beaches of Normandy for the big celebration. Everybody kept telling me how great I did in my interview was Pears Morgan and everybody understood why I didn’t go to Vietnam.
Nobody has ever had better excuses for not going than I did. In fact by the time I got to France everybody was hailing me as a war hero. It’s about time this happened. I have been selflessly fighting for this recognition my entire life. Emmanuel asked me if I wanted a medal for that, and when I surprisingly said yes, I think he was caught off guard. He told me next time I came back to The Overseas he would have one for me. He was also talking under his breath a lot which I am told is also a very European thing to do when addressing royalty.
Well, by now you know I gave a great, terrific speech that many told me it made Winston Churchmouse roll around with excitement in his grave.
After that I hit the beach to tear apart Pelosi and the Democrats in another interview. I am not sure anybody has ever been braver on that beach than I have. At least that’s what Sean said. If there had been one Democrat within 10 feet of me they wouldn’t have survived. It is incredible how tough I am even after a long day and jet lag.
It was also cute watching Donny Jr. and Eric and, um, er, the little one whatever-his-name-is playing army on the beach with Ivanka and Jared and Kellyanne and Sarah and Stephen and Steven and their wives and husbands and servants and kids and staffers and cooks and cleaners. If we had stormed the beach that day the Germans wouldn’t have stood a chance and probably less Americans would have been killed. OK, I’m only kidding, folks. Sarah alone could gave taken that beach. You don’t want to arm wrestle her, I guarantee it.
Well, it was a great day at the beach, and I can see why everybody loves the place.
From there it was on to Ireland where lucky for me everybody adores me. That is another joke. But it was lucky for them, really. Nobody has done more for Ireland than I have, and I haven’t even really tried. After all my hard work over there, it was good to duck in a round of golf on one of my terrific properties. After many of my shots my Irish caddie would mumble things under his breath to show his respect.
Now I am finally home and writing to you. Soon I will have a celebration on the great front lawn in front of Lincoln’s old house for the Fourth of July. I hope to see you there, so you can thank me for all the great things I am doing in person.
You are welcome.
Donald J. Trump
(Washington Post, photo)