THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, August 12, 4:13 a.m.
Dear Loyal Citizens to Me,
Before I begin my important weekly letter today, I want you to know how hard this vacation has been on me, OK? This isn’t right people. A president should be allowed to take well-deserved time off without people whining and threatening to send nuclear bombs at foreign countries like Gwam. Do you thing General Washington had to put up with this nonsense on his vacations?? And before you pathetic wise guys in the lying, stinking, fake media chime in here, let me say that I know Washington was against nuclear war, OK? So am I, but sometimes things can’t be helped, and I need to do what the people who put me in office want me to do.
Luckily, so far I have been calm under pressure like I always am when I am dealing with high pressure. One time in the Celebrity Apprentice things started getting out of hand with Kid Rock — who I think will be a great, great, senator, by the way — and I told him to calm down and pretend he was on a date with Sarah Palin in the White House. How was that for visualizing the future, huh, folks? Think about that. Anyway Kid Rock calmed down and made it into Season 2 and my ratings continued to go through the roof, thank God.
I will be employing this same strategy with North Korea, only even tougher. They have heard my strong, strategic words loud and clear. I know this because the words they are sending back to me are very, very, very weak, not at all strong. And they have no idea how many words I have, some of which I am about to use right now in the most forceful presidential statement ever given by a president or even a king or a monark in the history of the the world.
Listen to me Korea: If you send one more word my way, I have instructed my military to do things to you that cannot be imagined by even people who make gigantic bombs for a living. We will light massive fuses that will burn hotter than four suns tied together and then will explode all over the top of your people and they will turn colors that rainbows will be jealous of – except there will be no rainbows only giant orange and black clouds shaped like mushrooms. These mushrooms will have fire burning inside them and they will finally collapse on your heads. I also want this to be a warning to Venezuale, which I hear has been very, very bad, not good today. Another mess I am going to have to clean up that Reagan failed to do in the Caribbean.
I am sick and tired of having my vacation get interrupted by these third-world losers. I told people before the election that there was no sense having nukes unless we were going to use them. This among many, many other reasons is why I was elected in a landslide. People want me to use Nukes and I plan to just as soon as I can be sure nobody else will be hurt besides the people that deserve them. Again, I think, I have been very, very cool about my approach under pressure, and am not tipping over my hands.
I also want you to know we have moved Mike Pence to an undisclosed location four miles under the Mall in Washington D.C., just in case things somehow get out of hand. But they won’t. I just like to have distinguishing operations to be safe and sure. After all, I have three children to protect — well, four if you include that little one who’s name I can’t remember right now, because I am busy typing this urgent letter to you in this time of nuclear war.
And just be glad I am typing this letter and not Obama because all he would have told you is everything is going to be OK, don’t panic, blah, blah, blah. He is so weak, folks, so weak. And where is he? Here we are in a nuclear war and he is nowhere to be seen. How pathetic. Let me tell you, people, of course it’s time to panic and I mean really panic. Nuclear bombs mean business and are designed to take out whole countries and sometimes the world.
But one more time: I will do everything I can to prevent this. If I don’t, again Mike Pence will most likely be your president depending on what’s left. And I do believe something will be left, just not North Korea. Or South Korea or Japan, who were very, very mean to us in World War 1 and probably deserve it. I don’t expect Gwam will fare well, but that is the price of nuclear war. One Gwam and Japan for two Koreas. Not perfect, but really not a bad deal when you think about it. As you know I make great deals, and while this one might not be great, it’s pretty darn good and I also think will help stimulate the economy which nobody besides me apparently is thinking about.
I also hope that once this nuclear war is over we can finally put this Russia investigation to bed and move on to the very important business of making America great again. I expect the coal mines should come through this nuclear war just fine. In fact, our coastal cities in the west are expected to take the brunt of the bombs, if they even make it that far, which will really give us a political advantage that even that idiot moron Mitch McConnell couldn’t screw up. Again, apparently I am the only one thinking about the political advantage on the Right thanks to a nuclear war.
Well, I know I have given you a lot to think about today. These are awful times thanks to Obama, but I am confident we’ll come through them. Hopefully I can get back to my vacation for some piece and quite.
May God bless you and see you through this war.
Donald J. Trump