THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, April 28, 2018, 4:18 a.m.
Dear Americans Who Continually Stand in Aw of Me,
First I just want to say “you are welcome!” again to Fox and Friends for thanking me so much for coming on their terrific, terrific show and improving their ratings so bigly. I can’t say “you are welcome!” enough for all of their thanking.
I didn’t have to go on their show, but I did anyway, because I am a soldier of truth. As you know, I have millions of other things I could be doing as president, but I chose to go on TV and show everybody in the world that there is nobody who is any more of a commander of the facts than I am. I am a great commander. I think now you know I can do anything with the facts that I want.
And nobody, I mean NOBODY can do an interview any better than I can. I just answered all those questions right off the top of my head. I know the lying, fake, disgusting media won’t believe it, but I used no notes whatsoever in that interview. I know, crazy. A president having the courage to speak off the top of his head and not have any briefings all the time really is an incredible, incredible thing.
I just hope the corrupt, compromised Bob Mueller was watching Fox and Friends. He now knows that if he dares to interview me he will be eating out of my hands. And because of my gigantic hands he will have a lot to eat. You know what I mean, folks? A-LOT, OK? So bring it on, Bumbling Bob. You now know I am more than ready. I am sure Rudy already told you this. Not that I even care. I never even think about you or the Russians, just so you know.
I also hope this clears up the fact that I did not have sex with Stormy Daniels or pay her $130,000. Michael, um, What’s-His-Name, who I barely, barely know did, and it’s too bad. Pathetic really. Many, many Republicans in Congress and a few Democrats have told me that they believe me now and feel very sorry for me and all I have been through. It has been very tough on me. Very. But my Christian faith has sustained me through all this. As Moses said to Jesus one day in a terrifically awful, rainy pasture, “Cry not oh bellowing sheepherder. I lead you not to slaughter, but the sacred Valley of Mulligan. Thy flock will sustain thee through storms of thou maker.” I love that one and so do many, many other Christian leaders like myself. It’s like a glowing bacon of hope.
I also want to thank President Macruh for looking up to me so much earlier this week. And before anybody starts plagiarizing me for spelling his name wrong, maybe try to understand that I am spelling it that way on purpose, OK? I am spelling it the way the French do. Most people don’t know that. I used to hate it when Obama would type people’s names one way and then say them differently out loud. He did this to intentionally confuse people. I knew what he was doing, but most Republicans didn’t. It was so, so unfair and terrifically SAD. Such an awful, awful person he was.
And notice how he never even invited Macruh for a visit. He just left him in The Overseas all alone. How disgusting. But as you know I invited him and couldn’t stop touching him. French people like to be touched and especially the men. I didn’t really want to touch him that much, but maybe a little. And I had to for the sake of diplomatic immunity. Again, do you ever remember Obama touching him? Of course not, he hated the French and had no regard for International Platitudes and Decorations. This is why they threw me a parade, and not Obama. Anyway, all Macruh did was look up to me and let me touch him. It was unbelievable. I think you saw Melania got mad at me for trying to touch her when we were in Rose’s Garden. Because I was touching him so much, she was very, very jealous. I guess I don’t blame her. It is probably very hard on her to see me touching a slightly younger man so much. I know it makes her feel lonely and sad. But she understands my need to touch Macruh so much. I think everybody understood this. I wanted to kiss him, but I needed to hold something back for next time. I mean, I can’t be touching him and kissing during our first meeting on the White House’s soil. I did enough for now. Never put all your cards on the table the first time you meet somebody. NEVER. I wrote about this a lot in my best-selling book the Art of the Deal. But don’t worry, I will kiss him when the time is right. Believe me, folks.
Anyway after me and Macruh and his blonde wife and Melania had dinner, I let Macruh speak to the Congress in my giant meeting room at the Capital the very next day. No president has ever done this before. Think about that, folks. I opened my meeting room for a French dictator to say whatever he wanted to to congress.
He gave what I hear was a pretty good speech, but I didn’t watch it. I knew what he was going to say anyway. Plus, I find it hard to watch people who can’t speak as good as me. It makes me shiver and I need to stay as warm as possible. Somebody told me the Democrats liked his speech more than the Republicans, which shows you what frauds and phonies they are. They say they like the environment and animals and all those stupid things but I know Macruh actually hates them, so now the complicit Democrats do, too. They fell for my trick, and now the French hate them.
Then Justice Mairkel came in from Germany to look up to me. I tried hard not to touch her very much because she isn’t my type, folks, as you know. I think she wanted to touch me, but I made sure not to let her very much because Macruh might have gotten a mixed signal and that could cause an International crisis which I am trying my best to avoid. It is not easy to juggle all these European leaders around, especially because they don’t like each other very much. At least they love me, and that is the most important thing. It is the price of being popular, but I am used to that. Nobody can love me enough, but you can try. That’s what’s important.
My father, Fred, used to say to me all the time, “Donny, you have the ability to see things that no sane person on the planet can.” Well, as you can imagine that always meant a lot to me.
I think I am going to end this Very Important Letter with those wise words. May your weekend be filled with the fruits of our success.
Donald J. Trump