(EDITOR’S NOTE: According to an anonymous and worried White House staffer, conversations between White House Advisor, Skin Color Affairs, Stephen Miller, and Donald Trump have been heated in the lead up to his history-making State of the Union Address tonight. What follows is the text of one of those contentious conversations. It was provided to us on deep background. Have a look. But proceed cautiously …)
STEPHEN MILLER: Reporting as directed, fuhrer.
DONALD TRUMP: Sit down anywhere, Stephen, but not too close to me.
S&M: Thank you, fuhrer.
DT: So why are you here?
S&M: Because you asked for me?
DT: Oh, yeah, right. What are we going to talk about? Sorry, been busy changing the batteries on my clicker.
S&M: Er, the State of the Union?
DT: It’s a disaster.
S&M: No … no. The speech, fuhrer. The State of the Union speech.
DT: Oh … yeah, yeah. I already know what I want to say. I have given it a lot of incredible, terrific thought. I basically plan to scare the shit out of everybody and then tell them only I can make them less afraid.
S&M: I am sure you have and will, yer excellence, but Mr. Pence suggested I provide you tips and talking points. Er, just in case.
DT: <audible sigh> OK, but hand me my phone first. A brilliant tweet just crossed my mind … Wait’ll Roger gets a load of this one …
<typing can be heard in background>
DT: That’ll show ’em! Those rat-fuck Democrats think they have me cornered. Ha! OK, what’s on your mind?
S&M: First, when we enter the grand forum, remember to stand up straight and tall, fuhrer. Project your awesome strength, power and virtue.
DT: Says the 72-year-old looking 30-year-old who hangs upside down in Pence’s closet during the day …
S&M: I am 33, great sir. My heart doesn’t function properly, if at all, fuhrer, as you know. This is why you selected me for this job. Hanging upside down keeps the blood flowing to my brain.
DT: Jesus. Whatever. What else, boy? And speed it up will ya? Sean’s on soon.
S&M: Yes, yes. Hurrying … Please, fuhrer. I beg of you, NO Adderall the day of your speech. It clouds your awesome mind.
DT: <audible sniff> What the hell are you talking about <audible snort> ya bat-faced scarecrow???? <audible snort> I never touch drugs or alcohol! Only women. That last part was a joke <audible sniff> kind of. Laugh, ya human eraser, you.
S&M: You know that laughing is impossible for me, oh great one.
DT: Yeah, shit … Me too. Life is too short to waste it on happiness. OK, what else? And don’t bring the Adderall crap up again or I’ll take your cape away.
S&M: Yes, fuhrer. Please don’t bring up Russia during your speech. Best to let that one go for now.
DT: Rusher?! When the hell do I ever bring up Rusher?!?! Ev-er. Huh? Huh?! I never bring up Rusher! It’s all a WITCH HUNT, dammit!!! It’s not worth giving it the time of day you pencil-headed, dark puke! I had nothing to with Rusher, as you know. NOTH-ING. Except a few things that aren’t even worth talking about, so I won’t! I might bring up Donny Jr.’s adoption agency for sympathy, but other than that, I NEV-ER talk about Rusher … Hang on, turn up the volume. Some hot blonde is defending me on Tucker’s show.
S&M: Sir …
DT: Shat up … Would ya look at the boobs on her … You know what I would have done with that before getting this stupid job?! The sacrifices I make for this fucking country. What else?
S&M: You need to highlight over and over again, the strongest economy in the history of the world.
S&M: Just before being cut down from Mr. Pence’s closet it was reported that there are three or four caravans of trained killers heading through Mexico and pointed directly at West Virginia. There are about 1.2 million of them and they are going to take away all the clean coal mining jobs. You can’t emphasize this enough, fuhrer.
DT: You think I don’t know this, Halloween head? I’M the one who has been driving this narrative from the start, remember??? You can tell those rubes in West Virginia anything and they’ll believe it. I tell ya if I coulda got ’em in my casinos they never would have gone bust. There’s a finite number of suckers in the Northeast. Not in West Virginia. That place should be known as the Lollipop State.
DT: That was another joke there, Dracula.
S&M: Oh ,sorry, furher …
DT: OK, OK, what else you got, and hurry it up will ya? I gotta take a whiz before Sean comes on. And that blonde really worked me up. Send Ivanka in when we’re done here.
S&M: Yes, fuhrer.
DT: And enough of the fuhrer crap, OK? Hitler had it helluva lot easier than I do. He didn’t have Nancy to contend with.
S&M: Pay her no mind, fuhrer. She is no match for you and your Arian intelligence.
DT: Arian what? I swear your mouth is a carnival, kid. Anyway, I’ll tell you this, she got very lucky I was getting such bad, terrifically awful advice from Ann on that one. I never listen to flat-chested broads. Always been a rule of mine. I finally listen to one and look what happens.
S&M: That is brilliant strategy, fuhrer. No wonder you now rule the world.
DT: Shat up. Whatta you know about broads?
S&M: That my mother was incapable of child birth and somehow still pushed me through.
DT: Yer a strange kid, you know that?
S&M: Thank you, fuhrer.
DT: OK, we done here?
S&M: Yes, your highness. I’ll send in Ivanka. Door locked I take it?