THE WHITE HOUSE
Sunday, January 14, 2018, 3:52 a.m.
Dear Happy Sunday Onward Christian Soldiers!
Before I get into the sustenance of what I want to talk to you about today, I just want to re-thank everybody who wished me a Happy New Year this year. I mean last year. Well, last year and this year, actually. Anyway, thank you and thank you for thanking me. This is very important. It’s hard to keep doing great, terrific things and not be thanked for them all the time. So thank you for thanking me again. And it’s OK if you thanked me more than once in both years because I can’t be thanked enough. Nobody can, folks. Nobody can …
Since I wrote my last Very Important Happy New Year Letter some very, very disgusting, unfair and terrifically stupid things have been happening to me. These pathetic things would have broken a lesser president like Obama or Franklin, but not me, folks. Not me. As you no, I just had a physical exam and the doctor said he has never seen a more healthy 30-year-old man. And I’m older than that, folks! Can you believe it?! He couldn’t believe it. Nobody can. So if you think awful things that keep happening to me are going to brake me, you are sadly mistaken. I’m tremendously strong and smart, and plan on continuing to do all the great things I have been doing since you elected me in a landslide in 2012.
So now that you remember how strong and smart I am, I am going to let you in on a secret that the fake, idiotic, stupid, pathetic, awful media doesn’t get: I do terrific things all the time to change the discussion from the last terrific things I did. This is so you can have new terrific things to think about before you go to work at Wall Street or WalMart or in the coal mines. Why, I bet you have already forgotten about that terrible awful, lying book, haven’t you? Do you think it is a coincidence that since I called many, many countries a very bad name — which by the way, I didn’t do — nobody wants to talk about the awful book anymore? Not that I needed to call these countries awful names, which, again, I didn’t do. I just needed people to think I called these loser countries bad names, so they would stop talking about the lying book, which I personally never talked about. In fact, I have been told that nobody has ever conducted themselves like I did after the book came out.
You’ll notice I hardly talked about the book at all. Well, maybe just a little. But only a little and not a lot. That book is just all lies and innovation. Nothing in it was true, especially the parts about me not being smart and stable. How dare he right these things about me!! Why, write now I am righting this important letter on only two hours of sleep. You try that. You try to do anything after only two hours of sleep. It’s almost impossible. But not for me, folks. Not for me …
My father, Fred, used to say to me all the time, “Donny, my wish for you and the rest of the world is that one day you hit the sack and sleep like a dead man.” Well, as you can imagine, folks, that meant a lot to me.
So hear I am writing this Very Important Letter to you after only two hours of sleep just to prove to you that I don’t care what was in the truly terrible book. But before I write about other important things, I just want to say that what really crossed a line was when Slippery Steve Bannon tried to excrement Donny Jr. in that Russian adoption meeting. How dare he!!! My son goes to try to adopt a couple of kids from the Russians and Bannon excrements him and calls that treason?! And then he says he doesn’t no how to cook eggs?! SAD! And notice he doesn’t even have any kids like me, folks. I have Donny, and the lovely, beautiful, luscious, shapely, curvy, full-lipped Ivanka, and, um, um, Eric and, and, and, um, er, um, Tanya, and the uh little one who’s always with his mother and doesn’t smile much. I don’t know why he’s always so sad when he has me around to cheer him up all the time. I mean when he’s not with his mother, um, er, what’s her name. It’s bazaar, folks, but I’m sure it’s just a faze.
And while I have all these kids crawling around, Bannon has nothing! NOTHING! He’s all alone in solemnary alignment.
But enough about that terrible, disgusting, fake book. Nobody believes it anyway, which is why nobody is buying it. The even more awful, disgusting fake news is reporting that people are buying the book a lot but they are lying like they always do. If I was talking about the disgusting book, maybe a few people would buy it. But I’m not, so nobody is buying it. In fact, everybody I talk to in the White House is saying the same thing. They say, “No, sir, nobody is reading that book at all, sir. By the way, what book are you even talking about, sir?” That’s when I tell them about the book and how awful it is. I tell them about all the lies he said that they said about me. They just look at me and don’t say a thing. This is how I no they didn’t say anything. They never say anything to me or anybody that I am awhere of. Anyway, after they tell me nobody is reading it and get done staring at me they clear out, go to their offices and shut the doors behind them until I knock and ask about it again. I don’t ask about it much, though. Only a little.
Now people are asking me about the disgusting things I said about those crappy, loser countries. They just keep talking about it and talking about it. So guess what, folks: Sometime this weak, I plan on saying and doing something else that will make them stop talking about the awful things I didn’t say about those pathetic, loser countries. Then they will start talking about that and will have already forgotten about those rotten countries and the things I didn’t say about them.
Remember when I said those awful things about John Lewis on the day before Martin Luther King Day last year?
I didn’t think so.
Thank You For Your Christian Love,
Donald J. Trump