Trump Slams McCain, Obama; Itching to Shove Great, Deserving W. Virginians Back in Coal Mines

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A calm, cool Donald Trump promised the people of West Virginia this week that he was finally taking their healthcare away for good and shoving them back in the coal mines just as soon as possible.

THE WHITE HOUSE

Saturday, May 12, 2018, 5:19 a.m.

Dear Undeserving Americans:

In this week’s Very Important Letter I intend to thank myself maybe a little — not much — better than you did for what might be the greatest weak in the history of presidents. When I get done writing this Very Important Letter, I think you will know just how badly you have let me down by not thanking me quite enough.

Sometimes I can’t believe all that I did for you this weak. What didn’t happened yet is John McCain finally dying. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want John to die too soon, but we need him out of the way before the mid-years, so I can carry out my plan to make America Great Again. I also don’t appreciate his awful, disgusting comments about Jody Haskil. I think Jody will run the CIA better than just about anybody ever has in the history of that fine, terrific institution.

And notice that when a woman likes torturing people, everybody gets upset. This is terrifically unfair and awful, folks. So unfair.  Dick Cheney loved torturing people and nobody said a word about it. He even shot his friend in the face with a shotgun while he was busy torturing thousands of people in the Mideast and everybody was good with it. So Judy tortures a bunch of really, really bad hombres and POW! just like that, people like John McCain hate her. Just because John got caught and was a prisoner and might have been tortured just a little bit — not a lot — I think he is holding a grudge, which is so, so unfair to me. Think about that, folks. He hates me even more than he hates America. I have done more to make America great than John has ever done. I mean, he even lost to Obama, who as you know, is not even a citizen of this great, great country, OK? John, you are a loser and that is not my fault.

But get better, John, just don’t get too much  better. You’ve done enough to hurt my feelings and ruin my country.

I also want to congratulate myself for picking the right winners in the Congressional race in West Virginia. Don Blankenburg was a bad person because he said he was more like me than I am. That’s why he lost. How can anybody be more like me than anyone?? This makes me furious, folks. There is only one me and anybody who thinks there are more than one me needs to be very, very careful. I once had a publicist named John Barron who said he was like me, and he kind of was. But he lived in New York City and understood what it was like to be me better than Blankenbury ever could. Yes it was a little weird how he would call up the New York Times and tell them how great I was, and that I didn’t want to date many beautiful women because I wasn’t single yet, but I at least get that kind of behavior. What Blankenshore did crossed a line and he lost.

My father, Fred, used to say to me all the time, “Donny, thank the lord, there is nobody else in the universe like you.” Well, as you can imagine, folks, that always meant a lot to me.

Anyways, congratulations to the Republicans who won down there. Now we have to beat Joe Mannakin, who is a very, very bad dude. Once we do that, we can finally shove all those people back in the coal mines where they belong and take away their healthcare for good like I promised. I am sorry I haven’t been able to do this sooner, West Virginia. Nobody should have healthcare shoved down their throats — especially when they are not allowed to be shoved down a mine. That is actually a very good campaign slogan, which I will gladly sell the rights to if they see my great attorney Rudy Giuliani first. I’m sure we can work something out.

Going down the list of terrifically great things I did this week, I would like to talk about North Korea and the history-making things I am doing there. Like General Paul McCartney said in the Korean War, “I’ll be back.” And here I am, folks, back and about to do things in Korea that nobody in the history of the world can believe. I already secured the release of three prisoners, who nobody thought would get out of there alive. You know, now that I think of it, if I had been president when John McCain was foolishly being captured, I would have probably got him out of there a lot faster, and I wouldn’t have to be dealing with these awful things he is doing to me now — horrible things. Think about that, folks. Think about that …

Well, I am not going to hold a grudge, there is important work to be done in Korea and I am glad to do it. The good king Un is ready to be my friend, which shows you I don’t hold a grudge. He called me a dotard and then I called him Little Rocket Man. Then he said he was going to send missiles at us and then I said we were going to meet him with fire and fury and than he just figured I was probably never going to shut up about this and decided to release all those hostages and give up his nuclear weapons.  THIS is how you negotiate and make great deals, folks. You holler at them and don’t back down on Twitter. I’ll never understand why other presidents didn’t try this.

I also hope you will stop and thank me for pulling out of the disgusting, dumb, screwed-up, childish Iran Deal that Obama got us into. Now we can bomb them to smithereens if they dare lift a finger to build a nuclear weapon. And don’t think I won’t do it by using our sensational, powerful military which has been just itching to get in a fight. And who can blame them? They are tired of sitting around doing nothing, when they could be showing everybody how strong and powerful they are. As much as they like parades I am sure they would rather be bombing the bejesus out of people. I hope I can make this happen soon because I love them all so much. They deserve to be in combat putting their lives on the line and trying to kill people like I did at combat boarding school.

OK, I could go on and on about my great week, but I am playing 36 holes today, because I think you know now I deserve it. Please try to thank me a little more than you have been, because it is very, very important.

I can wait to see what next week brings.

Donald J. Trump

Written By

destephens

Lived everywhere. Started in Africa, then to America, then to Europe, then ... back to America, which lately seems to pride itself in going back. Almost made it 30 years in print journalism, before it all went bad. Really? Don’t think things are bad, eh? Who’s your new president, pal? How did that happen? Because it all went bad.

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