THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, April 21, 2018, 5:11 a.m.
To All Great Americans Almost But Not Quite Like Myself,
I was considering not writing a Very Important Letter to you this week, because I am very tired from making America grate all the time and need a brake. And I am not tired because of anything treasonous Mueller or Creepy Comey or Michael Cohen — who, by the way, I barely know — are doing, OK? I am tired because it is hard to work and play golf all the time. I am so tired I almost had Hannity write this for me, but he says enough on my behalf, so I gave him the day off instead. Your welcome, Sean.
Plus I am just tired of doing all these incredible things for everybody all the time. I host the Olympics in Korea hundreds of miles away, I host the President of Japan and then listen to him beg me not to put tariffs on his failing country. Anyway, I host many, many people at the Winter White House here at the fabulous Mar-a-Lago resort, a Trump estate of the highest order and featuring the greatest stakes and swimming pools on the entire Caribbean coast … I host everything all the time. I’m a great host. Everybody tells me all the time, “Oh, Mr. Trump, I don’t know how you can host things all the time when you are supposed to be running a country.”
Well, I don’t know how I do it either, except I just do. And because I am at the terrific Mara-a-Lago Resort in Florida in the heart of the Caribbean and home to many, many tennis courts and beeches and golden chandeliers, I was forced to play three rounds of golf this week. And one of those I had to play with my name-stealing Oriental friend from the Land of the Rising Sun. Yes, I said name-stealer. Stephen Miller, who as you know is in charge of Human Relations on my staff, told me Abe stole Abe Lincoln’s name so he could be more popular. Well, that just makes me sick. I can barely spit his stupid name out knowing it is stolen.
This is NOT how people in the Land of the Rising Sun should behave themselves. I know this because I studied years and years of history at the many different colleges I attended. History was always my favorite subject and why I repeat to you now what the noted historian Hans Christian Anderson used to say all the time to his students in Norway: “We are doomed to repeat ourselves, if we say the same words over and over.” I can’t tell you how true this is, which is why I use so many different, terrific words in my Very Important Letters.
My father, Fred, used to say to me all the time: “Donny, I’ll say this for you, even though nobody is listening to you anymore, you are somehow able to just keep on talking.” Well, as you can imagine, that always meant a lot to me …
Even though I don’t feel like it, I think it is also important to tell you that I haven’t talked to Michael Cohen ever since the FBI raided the crooked little bastard’s home and offices. I tweeted coded messages to him this morning, but I doubt he is smart enough to get their secret meaning. He’s kind of dense, which is why he is in all this trouble.
I know Michael said he’d take a bullet for me, and it is just SAD that he didn’t, because he had a lot of opportunities to do so over the years. And so you know, he was the guy I was going to shoot in the middle of 5th Avenue to prove a point to the rest of the world that my supporters loved and adored me no matter what I did. Lucky for Michael I didn’t have to go that far. I knew when I made fun of the crippled guy during a campaign rally and people loved me even more I wouldn’t have to shoot Michael. Looking back, I regret all that. I mean, not shooting Michael. It would have made things a lot easier for me now …
But I don’t really care and think much about him or crippled people anymore. They aren’t important. What is, is shoving people back in the coal mines and taking their healthcare away. And if it wasn’t for awful women like Nancy Pelosi and Crooked Hillary I would have succeeded. These old, nasty women hate America and me, but they will pay for it. Right now my support with women is going through the roof. The old women’s days are over in this country and not a minute too soon. Do you know that when I was watching Fox and Friends the other day, I saw some crippled woman bring her baby on the senate floor? It made me puke. I hope you didn’t see that. What, we’re letting babies run our country now??????
I told you I was tired, and maybe I am going too far in this Very Important Letter, but I doubt it. In fact, after the world has read this letter I bet support among my base will go up another 30 points or so. They love it when I do this. Just watch. In fact, after I am done playing golf today, I think I will send another Tweet out and go after lazy people who by stake and lobster with their welfare checks. Just watch. It will send my base into a frenzy.
Finally, I want to address these reports that I am not really that rich. Look, don’t blame me for what John Barron says. I barely know the guy and he doesn’t speak on my behalf. I speak on my behalf, and the truth is I have so much money I can’t keep track of it all. In fact, nobody can apparently.
Thank you for continuing to support me no matter what. It is important.
-Donald J. Trump