THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, March 2, 2019, 4:22 a.m.
Dear Americans Who Love This Country In Almost The Same Way I Do,
First, I just want to say again that you are welcome for thanking me as much as you always do. I know I do a lot — more than anybody could ask for — so you are welcome again for thanking me as much as you try to. But please try a little harder. If you need to know how to thank me better, please watch Sean and Tucker and then thank them for thanking me so much. Nobody thanks me like they do, but you could at least try to. In fact, it is the very least you could do. So you’re welcome.
I felt the need to write this Very Important Letter to you today, because you need to hear from me what is really going on and not what the lying, stinking, fake media are saying is going on. They just make things up out of thin air all the time because they are jealous of me. Just like you are. But it’s OK that you are, because you are just normal coal miners and housewives and who need something to look up to as an escape from your miserable lives that really aren’t your fault. Obama and Hillary didn’t care for you enough and never did any rallies in your towns. I do rallies all the time and you always seem so happy to see me and thank me. Again, you are welcome, but if you could scrape to together a few bucks and send them to my campaign that would be a big help. Money is even more important than thanks, but they are both very, very important, so keep that in mind.
I know it has been a while since I wrote a Very Important Letter to you, but I try not to be too much like George Jefferson who used to write letters all the time. Because of that his letters were not as important as my letters, because I think people got a little sick of his letters. But, then again President Jefferson wasn’t dealing with the lying, fake media all the time so he could write about pretty much anything he wanted to — like the Civil War.
And never, ever forget that the reason the lying, disgusting, fake awful media make things up all the time is to destroy me and my 68-percent approval rating. But it won’t happen, folks. Only Benjamin Franklin had a higher presidential approval rating than I do, but as I’ve said before, he discovered electricity with a kite, so that is kind of hard to top.
As you know I just returned from the The Overseas and had one of the most successful trips to the Orient since General McCarthy. Even though we didn’t sign a tremendous peace deal, and South Korea is still at war with North Korea, no Koreas … and I want to emphasize this, folks … NO Koreas are at war with us, which is very, very important, because there are a lot of them. Notice West Korea and East Korea haven’t said one word. Not-one-word. And we have been listening very hard. Again, you’re welcome. I have my eyes on both of them and have instructed our powerful military armada in the Atlantic to destroy them with hell and fury and missiles and tanks if they even lift one finger.
I also want to say that King John Uno was a very gracious host and gave me a beautiful love letter before I left. I won’t tell you what it says, but believe me when I tell you that it is very special and almost as good as the love letters Stephen Miller writes me on a daily basis. Except Stephen writes his while hanging upside down in his closet which means a lot to me — a tremendous, terrific amount to me. You try writing hanging upside down. That kid is really something. I almost love him as much as my sons, Donny Jr., and, uh, Eric, and uh, uh, the little one, who hangs around his mother all the time. Great, terrific kid.
I now want to spend the rest of this Very Important Letter typing about Michael Cohen who I barely even know. I also want to make sure not to forget to thank Gym Jordan who worked very hard to clear my good name during those awful hearings that went on even as I was in The Overseas doing everything in my power to keep the Koreas fighting with each other and not with us.
So thank you, Gym, and to all the Republicans who yelled and screamed and called Michael rotten names all day. That was very important and he obviously deserved it. Nobody should make things up about another person, like Michael did about me. And if they do you should scream at them and belittle them. As you know, I never make things up about people. It’s disgusting.
When I was growing up my father, Fred, used to say to me all the time, “Donny, people say the damnedest things about you all the time. It’s to the point, I have no idea what to believe, so I have given up even caring anymore.”
Well, as you can imagine, that always meant a lot to me …
Look, in wrapping up this Very Important Letter to you, it is important you remember what my father said. Don’t worry about what anybody is saying about me if it isn’t nice. And if that doesn’t work, just scream and holler at them. Hopefully, I will be coming to a town near you for a rally and you can really scream and yell there. And don’t forget to bring your checkbook. That is very important.
You are welcome again for saying thanks for everything I am doing. You can’t say it enough.
May God Bless America,
DONALD J. TRUMP