‘America’s No. 1 Christian’ Claims Victory in Stirring Easter Letter

destephens Uncategorized , , , , , , ,

THE WHITE HOUSE

Happy Easter Sunday, April 12, 2020, 4:51 a.m.

As America’s leading Christian of all time, and maybe even since Jesus, I wanted to take a break from planning for my important daily, ratings-sensation, tactical reelection briefings on the Democratic Hoax Virus, to write you a Very Important Letter on this glimmering, shining and perfect Easter weekend.

Things have never been more incredibly terrific and great in America!

It turns out 100,000 people might not even die, which is just terrific, terrific news and thanks to me for ignoring as much scientific data as possible. I followed my instincts again, folks, and can now claim victory!

The economy is almost wide open, and soon we will all be rolling around in money again. By June, you will all have so much money in your pockets you might even want to give some away. If you do, never forget you can proudly donate here. And thank you. It’s very, very important.

But back to this Very Important Letter that I am taking the time to write to you on the Holiest of All Time Easter Weekends.

Here I am making another selfless sacrifice just like Jesus used to do and writing to you when I could be planting palm trees, chasing after Easter eggs or golfing.

Even Jesus didn’t take as much time to write things like I do. He would just sit on a rock and tell stories and Paul and Peter and Sam and Bruticus would take notes and write his stories down before they turned them into a book — the Bible. The greatest book, by the way, which I have on my bedside table right next to Mein Kampf. Always remember on this Christian day: There are very, very good people on both sides of everything. I think you can see why I am America’s No. 1 Christian when I say defunct things like that.

During these modern days, Mike Pence sits and stares at me, but not from a rock, when I tell my powerful Christian stories. He never even blinks. Pence just stares at me adoringly, like Mary stared at Jesus. Except I’m not a baby and Mike is not a woman. Now that I think of it, I wonder if Mike is writing my stories down while I try not to act like a baby and he tries not to act like a woman? They would make for a great book.

Anyway, I regress …

This weekend is about me and all the incredible things I am doing for you during these thrilling times.

As we get ready to open the economy and make everybody rich again, I do want you to be a little careful about sneezing on your neighbors. Especially during such a beautiful hollowed out, holy weekend. There will be lots of candy around and Dr. Fauci told me behind my back and in secret that we should be careful about eating candy that is sneezed upon.

I tell you this as a favor and as a warning to my son, Eric. He is already distraught that the Easter Bunny didn’t  show up. But I blamed that on Nancy Pelosi and he seemed to feel better again. He might have even smiled about it, but you can never tell with that kid. I’m kidding. I’m kidding! He has been a bit of disappointment, though. Not a huge disappointment, just a little one. At least he isn’t brushing his teeth with his shaver anymore …

But back to Easter and all I am doing to open up the economy and the world to incredible and beautiful things.

In the coming days you will be hearing a lot more from me about these things but I have no idea what I will be saying yet. I know this will be hard for you to believe but I literally have no idea what’s going to come out of my mouth when I topple that podium everyday in my important briefings. I just know that I will attack the lying, stinking, awful, disgusting media as well as Jim Acosta with every fiber of my morbid feelings.

So, please stay tuned. I won’t disappoint you. Oh, and remember, Mar-a-Lago is still open for business and home to the fattest steaks and thinnest blondes on the planet. We are running a terrific Easter Weekend special: Buy one membership and receive a huge life-sized autographed picture of me standing on the border, hugging a flag and looking down on Mexicans. But act now, these memberships are going fast.

Now where was I …?

Oh yeah. I was uplifting you with my powerful Easter message like Jesus flying up to heaven to be with his dad, God.

In closing, I want to share with you my favorite Bible story I learned when I was studying to be an Onward Christian Soldier at the Military Academy where my parents sent me away to stay because they said they loved me so, much.

Anyway here is this story. It is my Easter present for you. You are welcome:

It was April, and Moses was having a restless night on the top of Mt. Cyanide. Something was bothering him about a discussion he had with Jesus the day before. Jesus seemed nervous and warned Moses very, very bad days were coming. But Moses ignored him and went to the oasis to lay around and drink wine before stumbling back to Mt. Cyanide to sleep it off. Well, there were lightning storms that night and his sheep were baaing very loudly. After little sleep, Moses grabbed his fancy cane and went into Bethlehem to shop for some new sandals to take his mind off things. All of a sudden, there was a giant commotion. He went to the scene of the commotion and saw that his good friend, Jesus, had been hung on a cross. He told Jesus he was sorry, and Jesus said, “Oh, Holy Moses,  if only you had listened to me yesterday I wouldn’t be hanging here today getting ready to visit my Father who I am pretty sure is actually Me a couple of days from now after I escape from a cave by kicking a two-ton boulder out of the way.” Well now Moses was plenty confused by his friend’s interesting story but also a little upset at being blamed for something that wasn’t entirely his fault. So he told Jesus that maybe he shouldn’t have tried to save anybody for a while and stayed inside if he was worried about being hung on a cross. He then said goodbye and went to buy his new sandals so that he would feel better.  

I’ll be honest, I have no idea what the hell this story actually means, but I like it and you are welcome for thanking me for telling it to you.

Now be a good Christian and go to the mall and spend a lot of money on things you don’t need.

Happy Easter,

Donald J. Trump

Written By

destephens

Lived everywhere. Started in Africa, then to America, then to Europe, then ... back to America, which lately seems to pride itself in going back. Almost made it 30 years in print journalism, before it all went bad. Really? Don’t think things are bad, eh? Who’s your new president, pal? How did that happen? Because it all went bad.

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