THE WHITE HOUSE
Friday, March 13, 2020, 3:52 a.m.
First, I just want to say, you are welcome to everybody who has thanked me for valiantly and bravely fighting off this very, very pandemic, terrifically bad flu that should be gone by May or June or July or August or September. And before you ask, yes, I am continuing to shake everybody’s hands because you don’t get where I am without courageous bravery and vigorous hand-shaking.
Before I get started addressing you with this Very Important Letter, I want to tell you a story from the hardscrabble days of my youth that I think will show you just how uncommonly brave I am.
Did you know that when I used to patrol the yacht club as a young, oversized 15-year-old I was famous for bravely jumping off the diving board before the pool was completely full of water in the spring? Nobody understood why I did it, but I bet they do now, eh folks?
My father, Fred, always used to say to me, “Donny, I’ll never understand half of the things you do, but just as long as you do them when I’m not looking, we’ll be OK.”
Well, as you can imagine, his trust always meant a lot to me … and I hope that story meant a lot to you.
Anyway, there has never been a more important time than now for me to write you a Very Important Letter. Like the great presidents before me, who were not quite as great as me but did their best, I am stepping up in this time of crisis, which was created by the lying, stinking, no-good Obama and his Democrats and the awful, disgusting media, who just want to report every awful thing about this disease that really hasn’t killed very many people yet when you really think about it.
Do you know that by the time I am done writing this Very Important Letter, there will have been 1,219 innocent people who died just because they were old? They did nothing but be old. They are completely innocent victims and died of old age. It has been happening for decades and centuries. So why isn’t the media freaking out about that, huh???? I’ll tell you why, because they hate old people, that’s why. Just like they hate me and I am not that old, and certainly not as old as Sleepy Joe.
Why just a minute ago, I arm-wrestled Stephen Miller and pinned him in nothing flat. And I know what yer saying: “Well, Stephen isn’t very strong for a 60-year-old.” Well, maybe not, but you try lifting Mike Pence into bed every night like he does.
But I distress …
I am writing you today to calm your fears over literally everything and hope you will go out to the mall as soon as you are done reading this Very Important Letter to start spending money and get this Stock Market going up to record levels again. I realize a few of you might die doing this, but if you are half the patriots I think you are, you will gladly do this on my behalf because I more than deserve it because of all the great things I have done on your behalf.
And remember, thousands of old people will be dying all around you who did nothing more than sit in their easy chairs and watch Fox News all day. Life isn’t fair, folks. I mean, it’s been more than fair for me, but I had to lift myself up from boot straps and try not to blow all my allowance on the chicks who used to sit around the half empty pool at the yacht club and watch me bravely jump into it.
In fact, life wasn’t always as easy for me as I make it look now as hard as it is to believe. You think it was easy firing all those people on the top-rated TV show of all time? That took real guts. Even if I didn’t want to fire somebody I did it anyway for their own good. Look how well that worked out for Rod Bladogoyivich. Tough love is what that was.
Now where was I …
Oh yeah, the pandemic flu.
I was just reading about the Black Flag pandemic in bed last night after I watched a rerun of Sean’s show where he was talking about my top-rated address to the nation the other night. I am not sure anybody has ever addressed any nation like that. Sean told me that if Thomas Madison was still alive he would have loved it. But let’s be honest here, folks, Madison didn’t have the pressure I had because he was only talking on the radio. I had to go out on TV to billions of viewers around the world. Now THAT’S pressure.
But as you know, I am up to it. I have stood up to Mexicans, poor people, women, endangered species and cry-baby children to make America great again on your behalf. So you are welcome.
But getting back to the awful, disgusting Black Flag that wiped out half of Europe about 200 or 500 years ago …
I simply refuse to let this happen over here, which is why I implemented the courageous travel ban to keep these disgusting European people out of our great country for a while. I figure if we keep the ban in place for between 2 and 19 weeks, things will return to normal around here and only the old people watching Fox News will be unfairly dying in his country. I know this is still very, very sad, but I can’t do anything about that, except to hope they are hollering at their children to vote for me before they die. It’s the very least they could do before they go.
And speaking of going, I have to get ready for another press conference where I will bravely address the nation and implement new and exiting and terrific ways we will be Keeping America Great just like it is right now. And to make sure I am able to stick around for another four or eight years you can hit my website and pour money into it.
So let me just say one more time you are very, very welcome for thanking me for all I am doing on you and your family’s behalf. It is not easy, but most of you are worth it. Even the old people who will die soon and not be able to vote for me.
May God Bless Me and Most of You!
-Donald J. Trump