Down with Truth: My First Fact-Free Week as a Republican …

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Well … it has finally come to this …

I suppose it was inevitable being an old, white guy and all …

I officially became a Republican this week! Woot!

Frankly, living life as a Liberal Democrat had just become too exhausting. Caring about important things all the time just flat wore me out. Being on the right side of the fight sounds good in theory, folks, but it’s no way to live a happy, comfortable life.

I’m in it for me now. The rest of you can find your own way and your own facts.

Freed up and all, I’ve readjusted my thinking on so many issues. It’s like starting life all over again. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

I mean, just dealing with this climate-change hoax alone was wearing me out. The Left makes it SO complicated and scary.

I care about the climate, I really do. I like nice weather. Sunny, mid-70s. Maybe a light breeze …

But I can’t control what the sun does every minute of the day. And then there’s the ice pack in the Arctic??? Hell, I have never even been to the Arctic, but I guarantee you it’s plenty cold enough to sustain whatever it’s supposed to be sustaining for the most part. Besides, if the air is warming only a degree or two here or there, I’ll be long gone before it could possibly make any difference to me or my kids.

Maybe it will affect my grandkids and their kids a little, but they come from good stock. They aren’t gonna let a little warm weather harsh their mellow.

I mean what’s the difference between 71 and 72 degrees, anyway? Seriously, who can tell the difference?

And the animals will be fine. Most of ’em have coats. So if it gets colder, they can just grow a little more hair. And if gets warmer, they can just shed! See! I never really thought about it this way when I was a Liberal Democrat. I was always focused on the worst-case scenarios. Like hurricanes and tornadoes, which are now highly overrated, if you ask me.

If you don’t like tornadoes, don’t live where it’s flat. If you don’t like hurricanes, don’t live near the ocean.

Duh. Easy-peasy. I could listen to Tucker talk about this all day. Though as a new viewer, I guess I wasn’t aware of that dreadful constipation problem. His brow must be exhausted from being in a constant state of furrow. Poor chap.

And, hell, now that I’m a Republican if an animal is suffering because of climate change, I’ll just get out one of my many guns and shoot it out of respect and caring. It’s the decent thing to do to put it out of the misery that we may or may not have caused.

And have I mentioned how much safer I am feeling now that I am a Republican and I have all these guns?

If any person of color, besides the ones who are already living in my suburban neighborhood, come marching in here to burn our houses down during a peaceful march, I will be ready for ’em. I am armed to the gills now.

Never knew how easy it was to buy guns.

Hell, I went on down to Walmart on my lunch break yesterday and bought enough weaponry and ammunition to arm a brigade.

And I didn’t even have to wear a mask, because I simply didn’t want to. Nobody could make me, either, because I was ready to holler at them and cough all over them. IT’S MY RIGHT. I just inhaled and exhaled all over the place.

I was a little disappointed that the shelves where they keep the grenade-launchers were empty. Supply-chain issues, don’t you know. All Biden’s fault. Every other country in the world has all the grenade-launchers they could possibly need, but not here.

Nope, Biden has clogged up all the ports of entry with ships waiting to dock because they are carrying people with the China Virus and he won’t let them in. So the rest of us suffer. Thank you, Laura, for that important info. What a dish she is, too. Never knew how hot, polished and white all the women are at Fox. And they are so blonde and opinionated!

I am really loving this America I am living in now, even if my suburban life is in peril.

No matter, I got the weaponry I need to stave off these bad hombres, who Tucker is saying should be overtaking my neighborhood right around August or so, just as the midterms crank into high gear.

And have I told you how relieved I am as an old white man that I finally don’t have to worry about all these losers who have to stand in long lines to vote? Now THAT was exhausting — worrying about all those people who don’t want to live in places where voting is available literally everywhere, like in my suburb, where we are arming ourselves for August’s attack.

Good grief, people my age stand in lines in Florida damn near everyday just to get the daily $6.95 special at Morrison’s Cafe. And it’s hotter than hell in Florida! Oh, and I should say, it was $5.95 just a month ago, but Biden jacked up the prices because he hates us. Also, so he can pay Hunter’s legal bills for all those faulty laptops he has been selling to North Korea.

Got that last part from Sean. Never realized what a whiz that guy was. I was relieved to find he’s not quite as stupid as he looks. And he’s wildly connected to a lot of unknown sources. Says the damndest things. But they must be true, so they will be because I’m a Republican now!

But back to this voting …

Look, if old white people can stand in line under a hot, blazing sun and palm trees just to secure a good, cheap meal, you’d think these people of color could stand in line for eight hours for ONE DAY A YEAR just to vote! What kind of patriots are they???? And if they don’t want to vote, THEN THEY DON’T HAVE TO. Nobody’s MAKING them vote. What a bunch of whiners.

And before you say my love is too tough, let me tell you that I am a Conservative Republican who thinks that maybe they should at least have water while they are standing in a long line to vote that nobody is forcing them to stand in.

No bathroom breaks, though. That’s going too far. Ted and Mitch are right: Maybe don’t drink so much water and you won’t have to pee while standing in those voting lines. It’s not rocket science. In fact, it’s not science at all, THANK GOD!

There are so many other incredible things that are happening to me now that I am a Republican, I couldn’t possibly type them all.

Besides, I am feeling kind of tired all of sudden … a little achy … throat’s a bit sore …  got a wicked chill … sense of smell is off …

But I’m not worried. I’m a Republican!

Besides, Rand told us everything was going to be A-OK. Er, right …????


(D. Earl Stephens is a published author and finished up a 30-year career in journalism as the Managing Editor of Stars and Stripes.) 

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Lived everywhere. Started in Africa, then to America, then to Europe, then ... back to America, which lately seems to pride itself in going back. Almost made it 30 years in print journalism, before it all went bad. Really? Don’t think things are bad, eh? Who’s your new president, pal? How did that happen? Because it all went bad.

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