EXCLUSIVE: Man Nobody Knows Helped in Planning to Get ‘Uppity’ Ukraine Ambassador

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(EDITOR’S NOTE: With the Trump Impeachment Trial gearing up, we were wildly fortunate to obtain what sounds like audio of a meeting last spring taken in the “Incredibly Golden And Ridiculously Fabulous Office” located inside the Trump International Hotel in Washington D.C. A regular at the bar of the hotel, who will go nameless for a second or two, has, however, made quite a name for himself recently appearing on literally every news channel in North, South and Central America. The audio would seem to put the lie to Trump’s claim he never knew this secret individual who has now been been pictured with him and members of Trump’s staff 17,210 times that we are aware of. OK, fuck it, who are we fooling? Lev Parnas (who else?) provided us with this audio. The transcripts follow:)

Donald Trump: Thanks to everybody for coming to this very important meeting with literally no notice at all whatsoever. Let me get right to it. I have a tee time in about an hour with Billy B. while we keep celebrating our incredible, incredible victory over the pathetic Robert Mueller and the awful, disgusting Democrats.

<cheers and clapping in background>

Trump: Look, despite my incredible, incredible, great, terrific victory and absolute and complete vindication, my poll numbers have dipped a bit from their all-time, remarkable high and I am worried about it. Just a little, not a lot …

Stephen Miller: Your poll numbers break all records, Fuhrer. Nobody’s have ever been higher! We salute you!

Trump: Thank you, Stephen. Now put your arm down. It’s not easy being the greatest, most popular president ever. The only place you can go is down. And I don’t go down. Not even on Melanie.


Mick Mulvaney: Melania, sir.

Trump: Shut up, Dick.

Mulvaney: <sigh> Yes sir.

Miller: You make staying on top look easy, Fuhrer. Like a Nazi soldier, fondling his Luger, skiing gracefully through the Odenwald .

Trump: Olden what?!

Miller: Odenwald, Fuhrer. Germany. Er … Never mind …

Trump: Yer a weird kid. Smart, but weird as hell. Anyway … It’s not my polls I am worried about. I am worried about Biden’s. I hear he will be the one I have to beat come November. Not that his polls are as high as mine. That would be impossible. But they are still higher than I’d like. I hear those stupid rubes in Wisconsin like him. Farmers … Who needs ’em. Especially when you got Micky D’s? Anyway, Biden must be stopped.

<some rustling in the background>

Trump: Relax, Lev. Quit pacing, we’ll hit the golf course when this is over. In fact, now that I think about it, there might be a part for you to play in all this …

Mike Pence: Oh no. No … How did he even get in this room???? I don’t know if this is a good idea, sir.

Trump: I invited him. And you haven’t even heard my idea yet, so shut it.

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: Anyway, I was on the phone with Bannon and Rudy the other day …

Pence: Oh no …

Trump: Shut it, Mike!!

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: Bannon was telling me I got to press this stuff with Biden and his stupid son’s awful, disgusting work in Lithuania.

Rudy Giuliani: Ukraine, Donald. Not Lithuania, Ukraine. And if you pull the “shut it” stuff with me I will be forced to remind you of my insurance I got on you. We clear?

Trump: Yeah, yeah sure, Rudy.

Giuliani: Good. Let me take it from here.

Trump: Go for it. Lev, why don’t have a seat at the table. Vick, have a seat on the rail, while Lev comes on in.

Mulvaney: Every fucking time you can’t even get my name right!!!! Every fucking meeting it’s ‘Nick this’ and ‘Vick that’ and ‘Dick that’ …!!! It’s Mick. MICK, goddammit!!!!!

Trump: You mouthing off at me, shithead? Huh?! YOU MOUTHING OFF AT ME???? Listen you little scumbag … you rabid little, inadequate chipmunk, I’ll call you whatever the fuck I want to including FIRED if you keep this up. You got it, Vick? YOU GOT IT?????

Mulvaney: Yes, sir.

Giuliani: You fellas done?

Trump: <huffing and puffing and snorting and snorting and huffing and snorting> Yeah, I’m done.

Giuliani: Good. So we got a real play to make here in Ukraine to knock this prick Biden down, but there is a significant hitch.

Trump: What’s that?

Giuliani: The ambassador there. A real America-firster. Rule-player. Uppity woman.

<The entire room in unison>: OH MY GOD! NO!!!!!! NOT THAT!! NOT AN UPPITY WOMAN!! THE WORST!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Giuliani: Exactly. Just awful.  Anyway, to make this play we’re gonna have to get rid of her. Name’s Yovanovitch.

Trump: She’s a Russian?! I thought they were on our side??? Let me call, Vlad, he’ll straighten this out for us.

Giuliani: Jesus, she’s an American, Donald. She’s just got her head on a little too straight.

Parnas: I know people in Ukraine.

Trump: I knew it!! I knew you’d come to the rescue!!!

Giuliani: Good, good, but I think the simpler play is just to fire her. Get her out of the way.

Trump: Great! But who will do that?

Giuliani: Well, since you are onto your 14th Acting Secretary of State, I suggest you, Donald.

Trump: Me? Er, um, I dunno. I suppose, I could, but … me? Fire her???? Like you said, she’s uppity. She sounds kind of mean. I wouldn’t want …

<Giuliani interrupts>: What are you scared?! Of a girl???!!!

<audible snickering in the room.>

Miller: The Fuhrer is not scared of uppity women! The Fuhrer fears nothing! NOTH-ING!

Trump: I, um, sure I could, um, do it. Maybe I could just fire her from here with a Tweet. Or I know … Can’t we just threaten and scare her a little? Ya know, like we used to do to people in the good ol’ days, before Michael ratted me out and went to jail … back when we were selling steaks online and ran that university? We scare her enough she’ll go. It’ll be like she just left all on her own. Cleaner that way.

Miller: I knew you would come up with The Final Solution, Fuhrer! I salute you!

Giuliani: Put your fucking arm down, sonny.

Miller: <grumbles>

Giuliani: Threaten er, eh? Huh. Interesting notion. It might just work.

Pence: I just remembered I have to attend the Take Your Dog To Church Ceremony in the Rose Garden. So if you don’t need me any further, I’ll just be run …

<Giuliani interrupts>: Sit down, Mike. My insurance extends to you, too. Don’t you ever forget that or the next chaplain you see will be in prison, got it?

Pence: Of course.

Giuliani: Lev, make plans to head to Ukraine immediately.

Parnas: Yes sir, Mr. Rudy.

Giuliani: Donald, call up Zelensky. Let him know if he wants his dough, there’s going to be conditions.

Trump: OK. Er, who’s Zelensky?

Giuliani: <sighs> Jesus, Donald, he’s Ukraine’s president. I thought YOU were supposed to have the plan here! YOU called the meeting!

Trump: Just take care of Biden. I can handle the rest. I have a feeling this uppity woman is about to go through some things, eh fellas?

(Audio cuts out …)

Written By


Lived everywhere. Started in Africa, then to America, then to Europe, then ... back to America, which lately seems to pride itself in going back. Almost made it 30 years in print journalism, before it all went bad. Really? Don’t think things are bad, eh? Who’s your new president, pal? How did that happen? Because it all went bad.

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