EXCLUSIVE: The Frenzied WH Meeting After Mulvaney’s Confession on Quid Pro Quo

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(EDITOR’S NOTE: On Thursday, October 17, 2019, Donald J. Trump called an emergency meeting of his top advisers in the Oval Office as the fate of his improbable presidency hung by a slender thread. Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney had just finished giving a press conference for the ages where he admitted to high crimes and told people to “get over it.” We have been told by a semi-impeccable source, this is most likely what happened in this history-making confab.)

Donald J. Trump: OK, what-in-the-hell was THAT pathetic, disgusting, unterrific,  performance out there, Rick???

Mulvaney: I only said exactly what you told me to, Mr. President!! And please, please, please, my name is, Mick! MICK!!

Trump: Look, don’t you go getting inflatable with me, wise guy. WHY DID YOU DO THAT GODDAMMIT, WHY????? This might be the end for me!!! You just said there was a quid pro quo!!! Now I really do look like a witch!

Mulvaney hollering: Again, I said that because you told me to say there WAS A QUID PRO QUO and everybody needed to get over it!!

Trump: Well, when you saw admitting all of my crimes wasn’t working with the awful, fake, disgusting media, and I knew about the quid pro quo, why didn’t you just say, no, no, NO!?!

Mulvaney: Because you said it was so, so, SO!!

Trump: Well, dammit, now the quid pro quo has got to go, go, go!!

Stephen Miller interrupting: Gentleman, gentleman … Please. Vice President Pence is on the phone from his secure location in Turkey, Fuhrer.

Trump: Hello? Hello?? Mike?? Mike??? Are you there? Mike????

Mike Pence: Reporting for duty, sir!

Trump: Reporting for duty?? What the fuck are you …. argh, never mind. Mike, please give me some good news. Is the war over? Do we have a truce? Can we declare victory over the awful Kurds? Did “whatever his name is” buy our powerful overtures?

Pence: I am pretty sure there is a cease fire, sir, for five days.

Trump: Pretty sure????

Pence: Erdogan’s a tough cookie to deal with, sir. Told me he would end the entire war right now in exchange for Ohio.

Trump: WHAT?! And who’s Erdowon?

Pence: Erdogan, sir. The president of Turkey?

Trump: Oh yeah, right. Go on …

Pence: Anyway, I told him he couldn’t have Ohio because you needed it to win the presidency for the next 12 years, so I offered him Mississippi instead. He laughed right in my face and called me very un-Christian-like names.

Trump: Jesus-fucking-Christ!!!!

Pence: Exactly. You were listening?

Trump clears his throat: No, goddammit, I wasn’t listening. Well, didn’t he get my beautiful letter??

Pence: Yes. And he said and I quote: “Please tell me your idiot president didn’t write that pathetic letter. I actually thought it was something from Dr. Seuss.”

Trump: Who the fuck is Dr. Seuss? And so what if I write like a doctor! Does he hate doctors too? And so I don’t write with a lot of mumbo-jumbo! And yet he still thinks I am a Dumbo-Dumbo? Does he think I should say, ho-ho-ho? What, he is stupid enough to think I don’t know, know, know?

<Ten seconds of the deadest silence that has ever been in any room ever>

Trump: Anyway, I can still write important letters. That bozo needs to respect his betters.

<Ten more seconds of the deadest silence that has ever been in any room ever>

A door opens and Ivanka Trump walks in: <five seconds of inaudible cooing>

Trump: You, too, lamb cakes. Come on over here and sit on … er, um, next to your dad and cheer him up.

Ivanka: <four seconds of inaudible cooing>

Mulvaney: I swear, I don’t know how anybody can hear a word she’s saying.

Trump: Shatup, Vick.

Trump: Yeah, I am ready for that Texas rally tonight, sweet thing. You gonna wear that hot-pink, low-cut dress with the orange bow on the back I like to twiddle so much? The Texans will love it, but they better not love it too much. That dress means a lot to us, doesn’t it, danger-bear?

Ivanka: <three seconds of inaudible cooing>

Miller interrupts the cooing: Oh no! Rick Perry just quit, Fuhrer!

Trump: What did you say?!

Miller: Rick Perry just up and quit, Fuhrer.

Trump: Why I knew that Clark Kent-looking knucklehead would pull a superman and fly off on me just when I needed him most.

Mulvaney: That was actually pretty clever, sir.

Trump: Thanks, Dick.

Mulvaney: <sighs> Don’t mention it.

Trump: Get me Rudy on the phone, Stephen.

Miller: Rudy’s line has been dead for the last 24 hours, Fuhrer. Nobody has heard from him. He even canceled our weekly play date in the basement.

Trump: OK, get me Lindsey.

Miller: Already tried, Fuhrer. He is also unavailable and canceled our sewing lesson this morning.

Trump: Yer what?! Christ, never mind … the shit that goes on around here …

Trump: We need to come up with another strategy to distract from this Ukraine, Turkey, Perry quitting and Doral stuff … Any ideas?

Ivanka: (Fourteen seconds of inaudible cooing>

Trump: That’s a helluva idea, smoke-thumper. A helluva idea …

Mulvaney: What? What did she say, what did she say?!?!

Trump: Shut it, Mick.

Mulvaney: Mick. Mick!! You got it right! You got my name right!!!

Trump: <panting like a hyena>

Mulvaney: Oh no. No … Please! No!

Trump: Oh yes. And your name better be spelled right on that press release you are about to put out, smart guy.

Mulvaney: <sigh>



(Forbes, photo)








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Lived everywhere. Started in Africa, then to America, then to Europe, then ... back to America, which lately seems to pride itself in going back. Almost made it 30 years in print journalism, before it all went bad. Really? Don’t think things are bad, eh? Who’s your new president, pal? How did that happen? Because it all went bad.

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