EXCLUSIVE: The Inspiring Easter Message Trump Had to Have Delivered Before Golf

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Is there any doubt that Donald Trump recited a stirring bible story and prayer before his Easter round of golf at the Mar-a-Lago Club, home to the fattest steaks and thinnest women on the planet?

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Before heading out for a round of golf on this Easter Sunday we are sure Donald Trump must have stood on the golden patio of Mar-a-Lago and delivered the below, heartfelt holiday message.)

I just want to say that before embarking on this great, sensational round of golf that I am thinking about all the families who aren’t at their country clubs today surrounded by golden things and some beauties on this Easter Sunday. I also want to say that there was no collusion, Robert Mueller is a witch and the media is fake and awful. And I am NOT fucked, OK?

But I don’t want to tarnish one of God’s favorite holidays by talking about awful Hillary, stupid libtards, criminal Mexicans, captured and fake war heroes, whiny endangered species, enemies of the people, women bleeding from their eyes, fake disabled people, or anything else that is around just to simply make me look bad. That wouldn’t be fair to me or God.

So everybody shut up and listen and bow your heads while I lead a prayer:

Dear God, thank you for delivering Baby Jesus to our doorstep. It is on this day that we remember it didn’t go so great for him which is just Sad!

Or sure he was a really nice guy and tried to help poor people who didn’t have sandals and grain for their dinner but let’s face it, folks, he got taken advantage of way, way too much. Not a little, a lot. I don’t begrudge him for being nice and a bit naive because he had a lot of other stuff going for him, too.

He could make fish jump in his boat without a fishing pole or worms, and moved around giant rocks without touching them. Sure, he liked whores, which, come to think of it, is completely understandable so never mind …

There is a lesson here and my father, Fred, who is art in heaven used to say it all the time:

“Donny, always remember there is sucker around every corner, which is why going straight can never be an option.”

Well, that still means a lot to me to this day, folks. A helluva lot.

So on this day when Moses came down from the mountain to put the Ten Commandments next to the cross where Jesus ended up hanging from for being too nice a guy, I just want to say woe to the shepherd who runs around the Valley of Death. It is not a nice place, folks.

And fear not, because I can see you and the babes in swaddling clothes.


Caddie! Hand me my fucking driver!

Written By


Lived everywhere. Started in Africa, then to America, then to Europe, then ... back to America, which lately seems to pride itself in going back. Almost made it 30 years in print journalism, before it all went bad. Really? Don’t think things are bad, eh? Who’s your new president, pal? How did that happen? Because it all went bad.

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