EXCLUSIVE: The True Story of What Really Happened in That Bunker …

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(EDITORS NOTE: With chaos breaking out across the Capital Monday, Donald Trump called a meeting deep in the bunker underneath the White House. Thanks to an unidentified and completely made up Secret Service Agent we were able to acquire the transcripts of what absolutely had to have happened in the safety of that hallowed bunker.)

Donald Trump: Welcome to the safety of my incredible, terrific bunker. I can see why you are very happy down here, Stephen.

Stephen Miller: Ya, Fuhrer. Not as dark and dank as I would like, but close.

Trump: Well, it’s quiet, anyway. I’ve had to cut back on my Adderall and HydroChloroform just to duck in a couple of hours of sleep. Damn racket is driving me crazy out there.

Miller: Ya, Fuhrer. Perhaps it is time to bring in the tanks and quiet the unrest.

Trump: Let’s concentrate on getting better vending machines down here first.

Miller: Ya, Fuhrer.

Trump: I want to talk about a way to show my incredible strength and what it would look like if I were a terrific general leading America through this spectacular crisis that is Obama’s fault.

Ivanka Trump: <11 seconds of inaudible cooing>

Trump: Oh, I like that, cuddle-bush. You might be on to something …

Ivanka: <4 seconds of inaudible cooing>

Trump: Don’t mention it, cotton-thumper. And may I say your stilettos look especially dangerous today. Fetching, but seething. Inviting, but lethal …

<Silence in bunker for 14 seconds>

Bill Barr: Ahem!

Trump: So how do you see this, Bill? Any ideas for a way for me to show my incredible strength to these rotten, no-good colored people?

Barr: I have a few ideas, yes.

Trump: Well????

Barr: I see you starting in the Rose Garden …

Trump interrupts: It’s Rose’s Garden, Bill.

Barr: Yes sir. Anyway. I see you standing in Rose’s Garden and projecting strength by telling the rotten colored people that you mean business and will bomb them out of extinction if necessary.

Miller: YA! YA! YA!!!!! Rockets, red glare! Body parts scattered everywhere! Mayhem! Destruction!!!!

Barr: Hold on, Stephen, let me finish …

Miller: Sorry. This is all so exciting!!!! Like a dream!!

Barr: After you have alerted the colored people that you mean business, sir, you could bravely walk through Lafayette Park and take the church, with force if necessary.

Trump: Where’s Lafayette Park?

Barr: Er, just outside, sir. But anyway … Once we get you to the church, you could hoist a Bible overhead and show everybody that you are THE Christian Soldier. The Chosen One. The Savior.

Miller screaming: YAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Barr: Jesus. Can you shut this kid up?

Trump: Stephen? I understand your excitement, but that’s enough.

Miller: Ya, Fuhrer.

Barr: Now it’s very important that once we get you to that church that you don’t hold the Bible upside down. That could send the wrong message to our Evangelical base.

Trump: What? You think I’m stupid?????

Barr: No sir. Not at all. I just have an eye for detail is all. Getting that Bible over there so nobody can see it is going to be tricky, though …

Ivanka: <cooing for 22 seconds>

Barr: What did she say???

Trump: Ohhhhh, I love that idea, danger kitten. That’ll work just fine. She is suggesting that she could carry it in her $1700 giant pocketbook. This is an excellent opportunity to exhibit Trump merchandise and it gets the Bible safely to me at the church where I will be projecting incredible strength and bravery.

Barr: Well … I suppose that will work just fine, actually.

Trump: Are you sure you will be able to get me over to the church safely, Bill? There are a lot of incredibly disgusting, awful people out there who are mad at me. Thanks to my military, boarding school training I figure I could fight off 20 or 30 of ’em no problem. But not all of them.

Barr: Don’t you worry, sir. Me and General Milley will be taking care of that, and them. We’ll hit those rotten bastards with so much ordinance they won’t be able to see straight.


Trump hollers: Stephen!!!

Miller: Sorry, Fuhrer. Can I be excused. I think I just wet my pajamas.

Trump: <inaudible screaming>

Barr: One last thing: I think it is very important we not mention George Floyd. That would be bad optics. This is all about projecting dominance over the colored people.

Trump: Who’s George Floyd?

Written By


Lived everywhere. Started in Africa, then to America, then to Europe, then ... back to America, which lately seems to pride itself in going back. Almost made it 30 years in print journalism, before it all went bad. Really? Don’t think things are bad, eh? Who’s your new president, pal? How did that happen? Because it all went bad.

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