EXCLUSIVE: Transcript from Putin-Trump Meeting: Trump does not Provide Nuke Codes

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Despite being pressed repeatedly for U.S. nuclear codes, President Donald Trump stood up time and again to Vladimir Putin. -AP Photo

HAMBURG, Germany — On Friday afternoon President Trump and Russia’s Vladimir Putin cut away from the G-20 Summit in Hamburg, Germany, and had an epic, face-to-face meeting that ran nearly three hours. They were joined by U.S. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov. There were also two interpreters in the room to allegedly take notes.

To our knowledge we are still the only media outlet to get transcripts of this earth-shaking event. Trump has since called this a “tremendous meeting.”

Please, read for yourself:

<Background noise, with an inaudible crash. Trump then shouts, “Where did they park my limo?”>

Putin: Sit, sit, please, I have many questions, comrade.

Trump: OK, but can’t we shake hands again before we start? And I’m not sure our limo drivers should be in the meeting.

Putin: They are not limo drivers, they are interpreters, comrade. And relax, please, I have all time in world for you. After all, you have been very, very good to me and my great country.

Trump: Thanks for the very kind, terrific and important words. And you do have a terrific country. Your lying, stinking media is so behaved there, and really don’t stink at all — among many other terrific things in your great country that don’t stink. And it’s nice to finally be appreciated. I do what I can. Hillary still hates me, and Obama is worse. They have been very, very mean to me. I won the election in a landslide fair and square …

Tillerson <interrupting>: Mr President …

Trump <interrupting back>: Shut up, Rex.

Tillerson: Yes sir.

Putin: So, have enjoyed your trip so far?

Trump: Yes, I like coming to the Overseas very much, even though I miss my bed, and Reince a little bit. Melania is still trapped in her hotel, and I might miss her before long, but probably not. Everybody has been very, very nice to me over here, though. Not like in Washington where everybody is very mean to me. Not nice. Obama is the meanest. He still hides in the hallways of the White House and tries to scare me. I hate him so much. It’s also nice to catch up with Rex. I haven’t seen him for weeks.

Tillerson: Mr. President …

Trump: Shut up, Rex.

Tillerson: Yes sir.

Trump: I also want to say that I smile every time I see you, Vlad. I know I shouldn’t, but I think you know I have great respect for you. That makes me overjoyed with terrific happiness. Not like the lying, fake, awful, pathetic media. I hate them almost as much as Obama, and my miserable country sometimes.

Tillerson: Mr. President …!

Trump: Shut up, Rex.

Tillerson: Yes, sir.

Putin: So, you like being president?

Trump: Yes, except for the work. It’s too much sometimes. I never have enough time for TV and golf. It’s just meetings, meetings, meetings. Talk, talk, talk. I don’t mind talking so much, but I hate listening. You know what I mean, though, being a great leader like me and all. It’s a lot of crap if you don’t mind me saying it, and a waste of everybody’s time. I’m sure you don’t work very hard, Vlad. I can tell, because you are always so relaxed.

Lavrov: Can you speak up a little, Mr. President? Interpreter needs to hear you better.

Tillerson: Now just you hold on …

Trump: Shut up, Rex

Tillerson: Yes, sir.

Trump: Where were we?

Putin: You were giving us your nuclear codes.

Trump: Oh yeah … that’s right. Rex, if you can write those down for Vlad, I’d be …


<more silence>

Trump: Whoa … Whoa …! Wait … Nice try, Vlad! Very good! I guess you forgot how smart I am! I bet Obama would have given you those codes. Not me. No, I am way too smart for that. But that was close! Wow!

Putin: You are genius, Mr. Trump. I pull fast one and you are on to it, like true rat-smeller. We can never trick you. We tried to hack your election and look what happened, the smartest man still won, anyway. Maybe smartest man in world. How stupid we are. We are complete failures.

Trump: Don’t be so hard on yourself. I have 17 intelligence agencies that are staffed by a bunch of idiots who hate me and don’t know what they’re doing, either. They are jealous of me. They could never be president because they don’t know how to make tough deals. No … THEY are stupid, not you, Vlad.

Tillerson: Mr. President!

Trump: Shut up, Rex.

Tillerson: Yes, sir.

Trump: Why is that limo driver taking out a camera?

Putin: Not limo driver, interpreter, Mr. President. He take picture because you look very handsome today. We run it in Russia newspapers, with good headlines — the best, as you might say!

Trump: Oh, well, thank you. This is what I mean, the respect I get from you and your great country make me smile. And your media aren’t lying, fake, evil, moronic people. They say what you want them to, and I have great respect for that.

Tillerson: Well, you do have a nice smile today, sir, if you don’t mind me saying. I can’t remember when you were this happy.

Trump: Thank … er, shut up, Rex.

Tillerson: Yes, sir.

Putin: Now about those codes.

Trump: Oh yeah. Rex, plea… HA! HA! I caught you again! I caught you again!!!

Putin: I again bow to your intelligence, Mr. Trump. If you don’t mind me saying, Hillary Clinton would have turned over those codes the first time I asked.

Trump: You are quite a kidder, Vlad, quite a kidder … And Hillary is just an awful, awful person. She used to say I was your puppet. So mean. So nasty …

Putin: I tried to make you my puppet, Mr. President! But you are just too smart. I could never tie strings to you. Say … I wonder if I talk in private with Mr. Tillerson before we finish.

Trump: Who’s Mr. Tillerson?

Tillerson: Sir?

Trump: Rex! When did you get here?

Tillerson: <audible sigh>

Putin: So, OK, we talk to Mr. Tillerson in private.

Trump: Of course, when we are finished with this important talk.

Putin: Of course, of course.

Trump: Where were we, and no more fast ones, Vlad!

Putin: Of course. Can I ask what you discussed with Merkel?

Trump: Who’s Merkel?

Putin: German leader.

Trump: Ohhhhhh! Her!!! I can’t tell you what we talked about. But I’d like to. Every time I look at her I see Hillary. And I can tell she doesn’t like me either. That’s because she’s short and fat, like Hillary. Short, fat women hate me, but I’m OK with that because I hate them to.

Putin: Of course. And I’m sure what you say to Merkel wasn’t important, anyway.

Trump: Now-hold-on-just-one-minute. It was very important. All I do is talk about important things. I see what you are trying to do here, Vlad. It won’t work.

Putin: Of course you do. But I don’t need to know.

Trump: Oh, yes you do. And I’ll be the judge of that.

Tillerson: Mr. President!

Trump: Shut up, Rex.

Tillerson: Yes, sir.

Putin: Go on, please, Mr. President. Tell us more about fat, Hillary-look-alike Merkel.

Trump: Yes, well … Uh … Actually, I can’t remember what she said.

Putin: That is very clever, Mr. President. Very clever indeed.

Trump: No, I really can’t remember. Rex? Do you remember?

Tillerson: Mr. President!

Trump: Shut up, Rex.

Tillerson: Gladly …

Written By


Lived everywhere. Started in Africa, then to America, then to Europe, then ... back to America, which lately seems to pride itself in going back. Almost made it 30 years in print journalism, before it all went bad. Really? Don’t think things are bad, eh? Who’s your new president, pal? How did that happen? Because it all went bad.

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