(EDITOR’S NOTE: What follows is what assuredly would be a transcript of an Oval Office meeting between Donald Trump, Stephen Miller, Mike Pence, Mick Mulvaney and Donald Trump Jr. about immigration.)
Donald Trump: Well, I am very, very glad and almost extremely happy we can finally meet like this to discuss making American great again without any women around to get in the way to try to make us politically correct. I mean Christine Nielson was OK to look at, and a real mean bitch, but she got pushed around way too much in Homeland Security. No, much better it is just the five of us amigos sorting out our nation’s immigration problems.
<menacing, low voice from the back of the room>
Trump: Stephen you can come out of my closet for this meeting.
Miller: Ya. Thank you, fuhrer …
Trump: Anyway, it is extremely good and sensational we can just say whatever we want to each other and it won’t matter, just like when I talk to my stupid supporters at my rallies. They just love me so much. And it doesn’t matter what comes out of my mouth. If I could have sex with them it would be a dream marriage. I mean, I would only have sex with the good-looking ones though. I wouldn’t have sex with the fat ones. I want to make that very clear. It is important.
Miller: Ya fuhrer.
Trump: Anyway, this is just great … five middle-aged white guys sitting in the same room President Benjamin Franklin did while he was planning how to invent electricity and put the slaves to work in the fields. Well, I mean middle-aged besides Stephen, of course. How old are you anyway, Stephen? 83, 84?
Miller: Er, 33, Fuhrer.
<room erupts in laughter>
Trump: You might be the funniest guy I have ever met, Stephen! I swear you almost make me laugh! But I never laugh, as you know, OK? Still, I have never met anybody with your sense of humor. 35, eh?!?! OK, OK … Well, I love the color of the shoe polish you picked out to put on that giant head of yours today. You look very extinguished.
Miller: Ya. Thank you, fuhrer.
Mike Pence: Zzzzzzzzzz
Pence: <Startled> No more K-Y!!!!
<room goes silent>
Pence: Er, sorry. Just a little jet-lagged is all, your Magnificent Excellency. It won’t happen again.
Trump: OK, Mike, try to keep up.
Donald Trump Jr.: Pop, I hope this isn’t a long meeting. I am stoked to head out for the annual golden retriever hunt.
Trump: The what?
Jr.: The golden retriever hunt at Sheldon’s place on the Hamptons. He buys like 50 golden retrievers and let’s ’em loose on his property. Then we drink about 14 shots of Jagermeister, grab our semi-automatics and blow the bejesus out of the bastards all afternoon.
Trump: Such a brave boy. I’m proud of you, son. You see what this boy does? He puts his life on the line while you are protected in the White House. Be careful, son. They bite. They are very, very mean those golden retrievers. They always, always growl at me. I hate them.
Jr. OK, pop, I will.
Trump: What’s your other brother doing today? He’s not handling any firearms is he?
Jr.: Which brother?
Trump: There’s more than one?
Jr.: Never mind, pop.
Trump: OK, what I want to talk about today and for the rest of the year, and the next year, and year after that is my reelection campaign.
Mick Mulvaney: I have a few thoughts on that.
Trump: Shut up.
Mulvaney: Yes sir.
Trump: You think I keep my Chief of Staff around here for advice?
Mulvaney: Well, I kinda …
Mulvaney: Yes, sir.
Trump: I want to make it clear I will literally do or say anything to get reelected. Never, ever forget that.
Miller: Yes! YES! This is my powerful, powerful, fuhrer!
Pence: <startled, mumbling > such long fingers for a Swedish boy …
Trump: MIKE!!! What the fuck are you even talking about?!?!
Pence: Oh, my … I am so, so, sorry my Great Majestic Giant of a King of All of Us and Them and Everybody.
Trump: Jesus, Mike. Please get a fucking nap after this meeting, will you? Take the day off … Now where was I …
Jr.: Pop, if this goes much longer I will miss the Jaeger shots.
Trump: OK, OK. Let’s focus everybody! Jesus … Now where was I? Oh yeah, my reelection campaign … Look, I want no stones upturned, ya see? I want every option, explored, ya see? There’s no such thing as a bad idea, ya see? First thing I want to do is take over the Defense Department and run the armies. Mick, first thing Monday I want you to remove Rex from the DoD.
Mulvaney: Yes sir, but Rex, is …
<Trump slams little hand on table>
Trump: Shut up and get ‘er done.
Mulvaney: Er, yes sir.
Miller: My fuhrer, Rex Tillerson left the State Department over a year ago. He was never in DoD but I completely understand your confusion. You have worked every day until near exhaustion and tirelessly to restore this country to the way it is supposed to be for us.
Trump: Thank you, Stephen. OK, who’s in charge of DoD?
<silence in the room>
Trump: Huh. Well, when we find out who it is, get ’em the hell out of the there. I am running it now.
Pence: Zzzzzzzzz …
Pence: <startled, mumbling again> no more feathers, Marco!
Pence: Oh no, I did it again didn’t I?
<room is silent>
Jr.: Pop, can I go? Please? Please? Please?!
Trump: OK, get out of here. Take Mike with you …
Mulvaney: Sir …
Trump: I said, SHUT-UP.
Mulvaney: Yes sir.
Trump: Stephen you got any ideas in the short term?
Miller: Actually I prepared a tweet for you last night, fuhrer.
Trump: Go on …
Miller: Anyway, it shows the Twin Towers in a fiery blaze after being struck by the airplanes … Then it shows that awful, awful Muslim congresswoman from Michigan wrapped up in her awful head blanket. Then you tweet: WE WILL NEVER FORGET.
Mulvaney: Oh boy … I am not sure … Never mind, shutting up now.
Trump: This is brilliant, Stephen! Just brilliant!!!! How fast can we get this baby out there?
Miller: Here you go, Fuhrer:
WE WILL NEVER FORGET! pic.twitter.com/VxrGFRFeJM
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 12, 2019
Trump: God, I love this country.