(EDITOR’S NOTE: A person who we think could very well have been in a great position to know, taped a key meeting between Donald Trump and Kevin McCarthy in Trump’s Magnificently Golden Office at the Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach, Florida. The meeting took place just weeks following the attempted coup on January 6, and McCarthy’s condemnation of the former president and his traitorous, heinous, disgusting actions on the House floor. A transcript of that meeting follows …)
DONALD TRUMP: Well, well, well look at what we have here … the prodigious son …
KEVIN McCARTHY: Greetings, Mr. President. Er, and I believe you mean, “prodigal,” sir.
TRUMP: I mean what I mean, OK smart ass? Yer coming here … to my terrifically, magnificent golden office correcting me???
McCARTHY <clearly flustered>: No, sir. I mean, yes, sir. I mean …. Apologies. I am sure I have it wrong anyway. I’m not sure what I was thinking correcting you like that. My mistake. Let me start over … Please.
STEPHEN MILLER: I don’t believe him, Fuhrer. He is lying. I can tell by the smell of his sweat. Let me lick it off to be sure.
TRUMP: That won’t be necessary, Stephen.
MILLER: Please, Fuhrer, let me take him downstairs to my barbed wire bedroom. I will stretch him out and soften him up a bit … if you know what I mean. Then you can get back to interrogating him.
TRUMP: Er, um, not now, Stephen. Maybe we can torture him a little later if this doesn’t go well.
MILLER: Ya, Fuhrer. Excellent plan! I am standing by!
McCARTHY: Wait. Torture???
TRUMP: Shut up, smart guy. So, I caught yer little act on the House Floor a few weeks ago, Kev. Did it feel good to get all that bullshit out of yer system?
McCARTHY: I’m still not sure what I was thinking, sir. I guess I was just caught up in all the excitement. You had every right to challenge this fraudulent election and have your thugs smash the Capitol to pieces and murder people. Anybody would. I know you won in a landslide. A super-duper landslide. The greatest landslide …
TRUMP <interrupts>: Slow down, cowboy. You sound like you are going to hyper-generate.
McCARTHY: I think you meant … er, never mind. Please continue, sir.
TRUMP: You know my supporters will do anything I tell them to do, right, Kevie? You saw what they did at the Capitol. They’re a bunch of hyenas. But they love me.
McCARTHY: Yes sir. Of course. I mean, my nephew drained a bottle of Lysol just because you told him to.
TRUMP: Right. So if yer not careful I’ll tell them to support that crackhead chimpanzee in Ohio for Speaker. What’s his name … the guy who fondles wrestlers.
DONALD TRUMP JR. <sniffling>: Jordan, dad. The fondling chimpanzee’s name is Jordan.
TRUMP: Yeah, yeah, that’s right. Jordan. And layoff the blow will ya, Junior? While you still have a future in this family.
ERIC TRUMP: Yeah, Donny. Layoff.
JUNIOR: Shut up, Eric, and get your finger out of your nose.
ERIC: How am I supposed to pick it if I can’t put my finger in there, smart guy????
TRUMP: Boys, BOYS!!!!! Good grief. I can only hope the tall quiet one, whatever his name is, has got more on the ball than you two morons.
TRUMP: Oh, now yer being a wise guy, eh? Think I’m barren, eh??? Let me tell you, bullet head, I got more juice than you’ll ever have! Barren??? YER CALLING ME BARREN?????
JUNIOR <sniffling>: No. No, dad. I meant, Barron. Yer son. His name is Barron.
TRUMP: Oh, yeah … right. He’s always with his mother, so I forget sometimes. Good kid. Almost as tall as me. Almost, but not quite. His hands aren’t as big either. And I got big pair of mitts on me as everybody knows …
McCARTHY <puts his hands in his pockets …>
TRUMP: So where were we?
MILLER: You were going to give me the OK to take this traitor into my bedroom and lick all the sweat off of him!
TRUMP: Nice try, Stephen. We’re not there yet.
McCARTHY: Yet????? Please, dear God.
ERIC: His sweat really does smell, dad. Can I lick it, too?
TRUMP: Quiet! All of you! I have some demands. Follow these demands, and you walk out of here without a single person licking you and the full support of the Trump Family. I’ll even throw in a membership to this club. It’ll be a non-golfing membership, of course, but you will have access to all the golden patios and sparkling pools at the place. There is also a $50,000 initiation fee and a minimum $5,000-per-month tab for food you will be responsible for, but you know what we say around here: Mar-a-Lago, home to thinnest broads and fattest steaks on the planet! Deal?
McCARTHY: I’m not sure the membership is necessary, sir.
TRUMP: What, we’re not good enough for you, Kev? Stephen, it looks like you are gonna get your wish.
MILLER: I am salivating, Fuhrer!
McCARTHY: NO!!!!!! Please, please, please. I’ll do anything. I’ll say anything!!!
TRUMP: Eric, get that statement Ivanka prepared and hand it to Kev.
ERIC: What statement, dad? The one about you and Ivanka having a healthy father-daughter relationship and there is nothing more salacious to it than that?
TRUMP: No, goddammit!!! The other one. Oh, never mind … I gotta do everything myself around this goddamn place. Here. READ.
McCARTHY: “Today, President Trump committed to helping elect Republicans in the House and Senate in 2022. A Republican majority will listen to our fellow Americans and solve the challenges facing our nation. Democrats, on the other hand, have only put forward an agenda that divides us — such as impeaching a President who is now a private citizen and destroying blue-collar energy jobs. For the sake of our country, the radical Democrat agenda must be stopped.”
McCARTHY: Huh, it’s not as awful as I thought it would be.
McCARTHY: Sorry, I meant, I can work with this one, sir. Am I allowed to go now?
TRUMP: What about the membership?
McCARTHY: Er, I’d be proud to be a member of this great club.
TRUMP: Good, good … Stephen, please hand Mr. McCarthy the envelope where he can place the $50,000 initiation fee and whatever else he thinks my friendship is worth to him. I have a tee time I have to get to.
MILLER: Ya, Fuhrer. Can I at least lick the stamp?
TRUMP: Go for it.