THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, July 14, 2018, 2:21 a.m. (BST)
SCOTLAND, The Overseas — I just want to tell you how happy I am to be back in The Overseas again. I’m not shore any American has ever been to The Overseas more than me including Christopher Columbus, who as you know didn’t have to deal with the jet lag I have too. Not that I mind. The other night I woke up at 2 a.m. and watched Fox News on my nuclear-powered cell phone. Sean said everything just as Stephen Miller typed it. Good boy that Stephen.
And the people hear have been just fantastic as always. Everywhere I go they yell and chant for me. It is like I am a modern king or something. But I can tell you folks, no king ever drew the crowds I do. Not even close. I bet if I chopped off one of there heads in the middle of Trafigliar Square I wouldn’t lose there support.
I also want to tell you just how terrifically honored the queen was to finally meat me. I still bowed anyway to showoff my implacable manners. She’s a real charmer that one. If she was about 60 years younger she might even be my type. I could tell she once had a nice, tight little figure. When I told her this, she turned completely dark, dark red from head to tow. Well, I can always make the ladies blush, folks, as you know. When she finally coughed up whatever was in her throat, she asked how the Londoners were treating me and if I was enjoying the balloon she sent …
I have to say, I’m not sure she was expecting my command of history, which as you know, is the very best command. We talked a lot about the World Wars and how World War III was going to be different because unlike last time, Europe was going to be right in the middle of it and would actually have to pitch in and do there fare share. She started coughing and choking again and I was ushered out in a rush. I think she is OK, but at that age you can never tell. She’d clearly lost the zip off her fastball, poor old broad. That’s why I didn’t take advantage of her.
My father, Fred, used to say to me all the time, “Donny, I have never seen a guy have quite the effect on girls that you seem to.” Well, as you can imagine, that has always meant a lot to me.
I also want to say, because I am a design expert that the castle they live in is very nice, but not near enough gold for my liking. You’d think a king and queen would have gold everywhere. But Melania dressed the place up a bit and looked especially grate after having all that work done. As always she didn’t have much to say, but I don’t really care, do you?
As I type this we are in Scotland, one of my favorite places in the world, folks. Everywhere I go the Scots are chanting my name and loving me the best they can. I think they can still do better, but it is enough for now. It is enough.
I am at one of the 17 golf courses I own. I bought it from one of Vlad’s oligarch buddies on the cheap. He’d never admit it, but I literally stole the place from him. Anyway, I love the Scots even though I can never understand a word they are saying, which is to bad because I no they must say the most terrific things about me because of all I have done for their great, great country. Kind of like I am doing for you back in the States. I can never stop doing enough. I am always doing things. It really is very terrific and tremendous. But I detest …
It’s also weird how whenever I am hear in the summer the sun stays out for a long time. This is a helluva coincidence, folks, let me tell ya. I mean every, single time I am hear in the summer the sun stays up late. Well, as you can imagine I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. If the sun stays up late again today, I will duck in another round of golf. I hardly ever get to play so I need to take advantage of all the opportunities I can get. It’s very important I stay rested and relaxed. We’ll see, though. My luck is bound to run out sometime with the sun and one day it will get dark very, very fast …
Speaking of luck, how do you think the losers in NATO are feeling right now, eh? Had ’em scared to death I was going to dump them like a bad cold and instead came away with the best deal anybody has ever had. Wait’ll Vlad heres about this. He’ll be so proud. I literally had Angie squirming in her chair. I can tell she still likes me, though. But DEFINITELY not my type. Especially the way she is running her great country into the ground. Try as she might she’ll never return Germany to there greatness in the World Wars. I know, I know, people don’t think I should say this, but let’s face it, folks, Germany was never more powerful than they were back then. Think about that. I do all the time … believe me. All-the-time.
Well, I see the sun is starting to rise from the west over the castle, so I should probably wrap up this Very Important Letter. But before I due I want to tell you how sick and tired I am of this awful, disgusting, fake, made up, repulsive WITCH HUNT! Mueller has nothing on me. NOTHING! WITCH HUNT!!! It is just disgusting how badly he is trying to hurt my feelings and destroy the country I have given my life to. Me and Vlad will have a lot to talk about regarding this disgusting behavior while we are together behind locked doors for hours and hours, believe me. Vlad will not like this any more than I do.
I want to thank my supporters in the GOP who are trying to end this WITCH HUNT! All except the coward John McCain, who, I just have to say, I am surprised hasn’t died yet. Some people don’t think I should say that out loud, but those people aren’t my supporters, who don’t care what I say out loud. Remember that.
For now, I hope the sun stays out a long time wear you are and even longer where I am.
You are welcome for everything I am doing for you.
-DONALD J. TRUMP