In Stirring Letter, Trump Implores People to do Patriotic Thing and Thank Him More

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Looking as powerful and dignified as ever, Donald Trump flew to West Virginia Thursday to implore people to thank him more.


Saturday, April 7, 2018, 5:42 a.m.

Dear Patriots of America!

First, I just want you to thank me for what might have been the most successful week for any president in the history of the United States. And the United States has been around for scores and scores of years as Washington used to say, so to have the kind of spectacular week I just had should speak in volumes to you like it speaks in volumes to me.

For one thing, after hundreds and hundreds of years, I have finally secured the border of Mexico to prevent these dangerous, awful caravans from crossing into our terrifically sacred, Christian land. These marauding caravans are filled with millions of rapists and murderers and thugs and canons and rifles and hogs and dirty dogs and cats and creepy children. Even their mules are disgusting. They want to come into our holy country so they can steal your jobs, your women,  your property and your Christian religion. They want to eat your food and drink your water. They only care about themselves.

Well, I hate their guts, folks, and you should, too. So thank you in advance for continuing to hate these evil caravans of rapists, murderers and filthy animals. When you go to church tomorrow, or maybe even tonight, remember to pray for me, and all I am doing to keep them out of our oh-so-holy country.

I also want to tell you one last time, I never had sex with Stormy Daniels and know nothing about the $130,000 my lawyer paid her. The lawyers for my lawyer are outraged about this and telling my other lawyers that I should not talk about this. But what do lawyers know? I can tell you, if Stormy Daniels keeps this up I will get another lawyer and sue her. I might sue my other lawyers too. I’ve heard about enough out of her and my lawyers. This has been very, very hard on me and my family who know how nice I have been to women and particularly lawyers in the past. I have spent millions of dollars on lawyers and women, and this is the thanks I get.

I’m also done talking about Scott Pruitt. Scott is a fine, fine person who has done nothing wrong, yet is being attacked by the lying, fake, awful media for no reason. All this attacking … It needs to stop now. What, he’s not supposed to have anywhere to live? Would they be happy if he was sleeping in the dirt somewhere? Of course they would. But I am not going to let that happen. Scott will not sleep in the dirt ever if I can help it, and I have told him that. Just yesterday I called Scott into my office and said I would do whatever I had to do to keep him from sleeping in the dirt. He could not thank me enough. He tried, but he couldn’t. In fact, nobody can thank me enough for anything, but it makes me happy when they try.

My father, Fred, used to say to me all the time, “Donny, I am very, very sorry to tell you that nobody will ever thank you as much as you want them to, and certainly not me.”

Well, as you can imagine, that always meant a lot to me.

And speaking of being thanked almost enough, it was great being in West Virginia this week where they always try to thank me more than anybody. It really is incredible how much they try to thank me enough for things in that state. As soon as I get off the plane they are busy trying to thank for me things. They tried so hard to thank me for things that I just stared at them and threw the terrific speech I was going to give up in the air and let it drop on their heads. Instead, I decided to speak to them off of my cuffs, which I believe makes me the first president to ever do so. Even President Franklin never spoke to anybody off of his cuffs and he invented lightning using a kite. Think about that one, folks.

When I left West Virginia I felt better about myself than I have in a long time, which is amazing because I wasn’t sure I could think anymore of myself if I tried. Yet there I was thinking more about myself. And if I can think more about myself, you can too. You really can’t think enough about me. It is very, very important you remember that.

Before I end this Very Important Letter, I want you to pledge to yourself that you will not look at your 401ks while I wage war with China over trade. I will need you to be patient while I wheel and deal with them. Losing thousands and thousands of dollars is just the price you’ll have to pay while I teach the Cheating Chinese a lesson they’ll never forget. This is part of being patriotic and loving your country. There is a price to pay for freedom, and in this case, it will come out of your retirement funds. Thank you in advance for your sacrifice.

And if you are a farmer I want you to stop worrying. As you know I love all the farmers, which is another reason I am keeping the caravans full of disgusting animals and people away from your farms. I know you just want to be left alone with your roosters and your cows and your chickens. It is also why I picked Sonny Perdue to run the Farm Department. Nobody knows more about chickens than Sonny and his family. So don’t worry, by the time I am done with China you will have so many cows and chickens leftover just running around your farms you won’t know what to do to get rid of all of them …

So thank you again for all you are doing to try thank me enough. Please try a little harder.


Donald J. Trump

Written By


Lived everywhere. Started in Africa, then to America, then to Europe, then ... back to America, which lately seems to pride itself in going back. Almost made it 30 years in print journalism, before it all went bad. Really? Don’t think things are bad, eh? Who’s your new president, pal? How did that happen? Because it all went bad.

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