(EDITOR’S NOTE: If we had inside sources, they would have leaked the contents of this Very Important Letter Donald Trump penned this morning on his nuclear-powered cell phone. The contents of the letter that they would have leaked follow …)
THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, May 18, 2019, 4:37 a.m.
Good Morning American Loyalists!
First, I just want to say that I know it has been a very long time since I wrote a Very Important Letter to you. If it makes you feel any better it has been even longer since I had a press briefing with the lying, stinking, awful, gruesome, spectacularly disgusting enemies of the people in the media. They are so, so unfair to me, folks. So, so unfair …
Everything I say, they report. Think about that, folks.
Tell me, what would happen if everything you said was reported? You wouldn’t like it would you? Because you probably say some awful, disgusting things from time to time. What if the lying, stinking media reported them to everybody? See what I mean? That’s why when I talk to Vlad I do it in secret. It’s nobody’s business what we are talking about.
You are welcome for thanking me for clearing that up.
So now that I have already made you feel better, you could do a lot better job making me feel better, so I want you to think about that. President Kennedy, who even though he was Democrat I liked very much, said “Ask not what you can do for yourself, ask what you can do for your president.”
And people did everything for him. He had a wonderful life and everybody loved him. Even Marilyn Monroe loved him, though if I was around more as a grownup then, she would have loved me even more, folks. Anyway, everybody loved JFK until he was shot, and then wasn’t around anymore to be loved. What a waste. This is why I am careful about being too nice, folks. I mean, it is important to be a little nice, but not too nice. Lincoln was also very nice and look at what happened to him. Being too nice is very, very dangerous and frankly a little bit stupid.
My father Fred used to say to me all the time, “Donny, except for your mother, I have never seen anybody who is prouder of being as mean and rotten as you are. It is bizarrely impressive.”
Well, as you can imagine, that has always meant a lot to me …
Look, things have been very hard for me trying to make America great again after the disaster Obama left us. Everything I say or do these days is challenged by Nancy and her awful no-nothing Congress. So I have instructed everybody who works for me — and that is a lot of people, folks, A LOT — not to listen to Congress about anything. I have it from Brett that if we just keep saying no to everything he’ll back us up in the Supreme Court.
As you know this is how America is supposed to work, and will always work just as long as I am your king.
That’s a joke, folks. That’s a joke. But maybe not … We’ll see. We’ll see …
Because I have a very busy day on the golf course, I’ll get right to what I really wanted to talk to you about in this Very Important Letter. Thanks to the awful Democrats I have really been struggling with my game lately, folks. This has also been very, very hard on me. Lately, I have had to spend more time on Twitter than ever before constructing brilliant tweets to let everybody know all the great things I am doing for them. You think President Jefferson ever did this? Lincoln? JFK? Franklin? Of course not.
Anyway, I depress …
I want to make this very clear: I have NEV-ER had an abortion.
Why am I telling you this? Because it is important for you to know that. And all these politically correct people who did have them, need to shut up. They are very, very bad, rotten, spoiled people.
What, just because I didn’t have an abortion I am not allowed to criticize people who did??? Mike Pence never had an abortion. Stephen Miller never had an abortion. Frankly, Stephen Miller has had even less sex than Mike, so I doubt he would ever need an abortion. Lindsey Graham never had an abortion. Mitch McConnell never had an abortion. My point is, this attack on men in this country has got to stop NOW. We are being blamed for everything by the crazy, socialist Democrats who want to take your money away and kill beautiful, shining babies.
Look, I never shot anybody — well not yet anyway. So, what, I am not allowed to be terrifically mad at people who do shoot people???? I never blew up a library. I mean I thought of that, too … all those snooty liberals reading books and doing nothing for America … But even though I hate them, I didn’t blow up their library. I don’t like people who blow up libraries even though I can understand it a little bit. So, what, I can’t be mad at people who blow up libraries?
This is crazy! All these attacks on men have got to stop NOW!
And if you don’t think I am serious, remember: I once defiantly stared right at a solar eclipse.
I am proud of Alabama and Missouri and all the other states who are finally standing up for men again and taking away abortions. You take away our civil war statues, we take away your abortions. That’s how it works, folks. The art of the deal right there.
Political correctness is going to ruin this country, but not under my watchful, burning eyes.
You are welcome for that.
Before I go try to work out the kinks in my golf game, I want to mention one more thing. It is getting to be very hard on me with all these people who once loved me, turning against me and going to jail. If they hadn’t turned against me, they probably wouldn’t be going to jail. I mean, except for Paul, who has done a great job of going to jail and staying with me. That is a real American right there, folks.
But look at what happened with that lying thug Michael Cohen. He once loved me, though I barely knew him, and now is in jail. Michael Flynn, who once loved me and still might, I don’t know, might be going to jail, too.
And I just want to say there were no tapes. And if any politically correct liberals want to press that non-issue any farther, Brett told me he’s got that one, too. So nice try.
Same for my taxes. Want my taxes? Ask Brett. Otherwise, shut it.
Anyway, folks, generally, if you keep loving me you probably won’t be going to jail. Except for Paul, who still loves me.
Now I hear Ed McMahon, who I barely knew when he was my lawyer in the White House, might talk to Congress about what he talked to lying, stinking Mueller about. He better be careful, or he will probably end up in jail — like Michael, the other Michael, and Paul, who did the right thing but still ended up in jail, anyway.
I don’t want anybody else to go to jail — especially all these men. I know I sound like a nice guy like JFK when I say that, but sometimes I have a terrific soft spot in my heart I can’t get rid of.
For now, thank you for loving me, though, as you know, you could probably stand to love me a little bit more. That’s very important.
God Bless America and the angels and heaven.
Donald J. Trump