Trump Announces Amendments to the Bible in Touching Letter to Christians

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Before heading to the golf course Sunday, Donald Trump wrote a joyous, vitally important letter to the Christians.


Sunday, July 30, 2017, 3:42 a.m.

Oh Holy America!

You will notice that I am writing my important weekly letter on Sunday. That is because I am feeling my evangelical Christian roots today and think this should be read in all the churches and synagogues. And especially the children should here this. This important letter will be about heeling.

I have been treated very unfairly this week. I know that you know that, but I am reminding you so you never, ever forget. This also happened to Jesus and they ended up hanging him on a cross. Well, let me tell you this right now, nobody is hanging me on a cross folks. NOBODY. I support people who are not hung on crosses. Being hung on a cross is kind of week. It always bothered me a little that Jesus allowed this to happen. He had all that power and then just went meekly. I won’t be going meekly, folks.

Which takes me to John McCain. What McCain did this weak is just what Spartacus did to Jesus a couple of centuries ago. Think about that. Just awful. John hurt me a lot. More than a lot actually — a terrific amount. It was like he shoved a sword in my back and twisted it around. He came back to Washington to give me hope on Monday and by Thursday he was taking all my hope away.

Can he not realize how unfair and hurtful this is to me? So now I know how Jesus felt. Unlike Jesus, who as I said was a little week, I will be throwing stones because the American public deserves it. It’s OK if a president throws stones and I will be proposing that be in an amendment to the bible if I can ever get the do-nothing congress to act on my behalf.

I’m sorry, I am getting a little emotional right now. I hope you are clutching your prayer beads and praying things get better for me. And think about this, folks, I have approval ratings through the roof, and I still want things to get better for me. That should tell you all you need to know.

My father, Fred, used to say: “Donald, I have to say, I have known thousands of of people, and none of them we remotely self-driven as you. You are truly one of a kind.”

<sniffle> Well, you can imagine that meant quite a bit to me …

Wear was I? Oh, yes, Anthony Scarappuchi.  Once again, a great American is treated roughly and unfairly and meanly by the lying, stinking, awful, ruinous media. The man is asked one question after another in an interview. In an interview!!! Who asks all these questions??? I’ll tell you who: The lying, stinking, completely unhinged media, that’s who. And then they write everything single thing down he says and put it on the Internet!!!! Who can write all that down???? Don’t they have other things to be doing like looking at Crooked Hillary’s emails??

All this just makes me furious. And cover your ears, church children: Steve Bannon does not have his cock in his mouth right now. OK??? Have you seen how fat he is? I bet he hasn’t even seen his cock since 1983. Yet, the lying, fake media is writing that down. Who cares if Smaragguci said that??? I’ll tell you who cares, the lying, fake disgusting media that’s who.

OK, children, uncover your ears I want to talk about my great Boy Scouts speech in West Virginia. I have been told that was one of the most powerful speeches ever given. Even Jefferson never delivered in his home state like that. And I know he never made time for the Boy Scouts. Obama didn’t either, which I felt was vital to point out. Even though Obama was a Boy Scout, because he was born overseas in Hawaii, it doesn’t count. Disgusting is what it is. He’s a traitor Boy Scout. They should lock him up for that, don’t you think? Of course you do. What’s worse than a traitor Boy Scout???

Actually I’ll tell you what’s worse, how hard it is been on me to lose Rince Preebus. He was a vital cog in our operation. Nobody wanted him to go. Hell (sorry), I couldn’t even find him half the time. God knows what he was up to. I know Scaramicci didn’t like him much, but he’s kind of knew to things and I’d expect he’ll calm down a bit. I just hope Rince can find a nice job at FOX and will say nice things about me. That is important.

I want to close this Christian letter a little early today. As you know I could not play golf yesterday because of the rain and have an early tee time today. You might also want to know my wedge game has never been better. It has been surprising to me how much time you have for golf as the president. I am shocked Obama didn’t play more, but he was so busy defending himself about being an American he probably didn’t have time. This shows you how well I manage my time. Another strength of a great leader. Jesus also struggled with this but he had important things to do because he wasn’t around long before they hung him on the cross.

Actually, that is a good way to end there. Maybe when they amend the bible they can put that in as a new paraphet. That would be good and right and holy.

I wish you a blessed, happy day, and I know you want me to be joyous. So I will try. If I don’t three putt, I’ll be OK. Thanks for your concern and your undying love for me.

-Donald J. Trump



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Lived everywhere. Started in Africa, then to America, then to Europe, then ... back to America, which lately seems to pride itself in going back. Almost made it 30 years in print journalism, before it all went bad. Really? Don’t think things are bad, eh? Who’s your new president, pal? How did that happen? Because it all went bad.

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