THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, June 15, 2019, 4:46 a.m.
Dear American Patriots of the Republic of America!
First, I just want to say you are welcome to the billions of people around the world who wished me a happy birthday yesterday and a little bit today. So you are welcome. I didn’t have to have a birthday, folks. It’s that simple. I have something called executive’s privilege, which I will get into more during this week’s Very Important Letter. I could have used my executive’s privilege to turn down my birthday, but know it was very important to you that I celebrated one, so, again, you are welcome for me having my birthday for you even if I didn’t have to have one. I hope you enjoyed it.
I also want to say how disgraceful and selfish it was of John McCain to celebrate his very own day on my birthday even though he is clearly dead. Incredible. Just incredible. When will this guy just die??? Even when he is dead he disrespects me and this country. It isn’t enough he made a fool of himself by getting captured by the Australians in World War II?? And don’t you think I didn’t notice he was trending on Twitter right behind my terrific hashtag #DonaldTrumfIsTheMostHandsyBrithdayManInAmurica
And I appreciate your support for this hashtag which I thought of myself, even though John McCain was trying to hog into my great day from the grave that I really didn’t want anyway.
This has all been very, very hard on me, but rather than swill on that … I want to get into the very important things that happened this week that either the awful, destructive, lying, insane, idiotic media didn’t report, or they reported completely wah-rong!
I want to start with opposition research, or as I alone call it, “oppo-research.” Because of my executive’s privileges which I had long before becoming president as a tremendous executive on TV — this is very, very important, folks — I can take oppo-research from literally anybody and should be congratulated for it. No other presidents took oppo-research because they never thought about it like I did. I will take oppo-research from literally anybody, so if you are listening Russia, continue to hit me up.
As you know, and clearly don’t care, before I became president, I did some oppo-research grabbing women’s pussies all the time. Just because I grabbed them, it didn’t mean I wanted to jump on top of them like a dog and bop them. I just wanted to grab them to find out if I wanted to jump on top of them like a dog and bop them, which I would never, ever do as you clearly understand, and don’t seem to care a single thing about, anyway. Especially my Christian fan base.
Of course, crooked Hillary didn’t understand this and went on to lose in the greatest landslide since Reagan beat Kennedy. She is also a fake Christian, folks. So there is a lesson there.
I think Moses said it best when he was talking to Jesus one day: “Thouest take nothing for granted for ye sheep might never return.”
I have always loved that one.
Anyway, I want this clear: I will take information from literally anybody if it means I can think about bopping them like a dog or hold onto to this presidency for the next 20 years. Executive’s privilege gives me this right, so I don’t want to hear another thing more about it, even though I haven’t heard a single thing about it from Mitch and Lindsey. I thank them in advance for keeping their big yaps shut, along with all the rest of the GOP who owe me bigly.
I also want to say right here and right now I will not be firing Kellyanne for hatching any acts. It’s her job to hatch acts!! She hatches things all the time around here and most of them are very clever. And I want to say this, her husband who has been very nasty to me — very nasty — wrote a very nice love letter to me Thursday, after the lying, stinking media made a big deal out of Kellyanne hatching things and said she should be fired. Here is the letter:
June 13, 2019
Dear Mr. Honorable Honorable Honorable Mr. Trump:
I beg you — BEG YOU — to keep Kellyanne in her job. Dear God, if you fire her, she will be home with me all the time!!!
Are you getting this? ALL-THE-TIME
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE I beg you to keep her there as long as you like. Forever if you want. I just want to help.
Thanks for your kind considerations in advance,
P.S. I am literally on my hands and knees begging you.
Well, as you can imagine, I thought this was very nice, so I will resuscitate, and keep Kellyanne around here hatching as many things as she wants. I don’t even need executive’s privilege for that, just a huge, incredible heart and ample nest for her to spread out.
I also want to make sure to thank Sarah for all her service to me, this country and the entire world. Nobody said what I wanted to say any better than she did. Sometimes, not a lot, I wished I said what she said because I couldn’t have said it better. I also want it noted that even though she wasn’t very attractive at all and certainly no where near as good looking as Ivanka, who you have to admit folks, is so, so, so attractive … so, so attractive … and how that shoulder-less wonder Jared ever got her I’ll never know, because she is just so … ummm … I … I … ummmm …. lost my thought … Hmmmm … Oh yeah, even though Sarah could stare straight ahead at you while her head was at a 90-degree angle, I kept her around for her singular talents of telling me what she thought was the truth to the American public.
I think we all can agree that Arkansas deserves her.
Finally, I don’t want to talk about the “i” word because it doesn’t interest me and I never think about it. Besides Nancy would never do it because it would make my approval ratings skyrocket higher than they already are. I’ll say this for Nancy, for an old broad she sure can control those crazy Democrats. It’s too bad she’s not a Republican because she would be great at hatching things for me.
Oh, and Hope, if you are listening, honey, and you better be, remember what I told you on that first trip to The Overseas two years ago when Donny Jr. was trying to adopt kids from the Russians in Trump Tower. Now I want you to forget it. Forever.
Have a blessed day,
Donald J. Trump