Trump Delivers Compassionate July 4 Declaration; Support for Christie

destephens Uncategorized

Despite having already penned one very important letter to the American people this week, Donald Trump acted even better than Jefferson and wrote another today. -Photo by Reuters

THE WHITE HOUSE

July 4, 2017, 3:29 a.m.

Happy 4th Of July American Patriots,

You know, I wasn’t going to write you an important letter today. I was hoping Saturday’s important letter was more than enough to get you through the week. But this is not like any other week. America is in deep, deep trouble which is SAD! It is sad because America is celebrating a birthday today. Nobody wants to be sad on their birthday, yet hear we are. Why are we sad? We are sad because everybody has been so miserable to me lately. Well, not everybody. Chris sent me a very nice card from the beach. I won’t disclose what it said, because it had ketchup stains all over it and was kind of hard to read. But Chris would never send me anything mean, and I hope he and his beautiful family had a great trip to the Jersey Shore. He deserves it. I here his approval ratings are very, very low, not high, and that has to be hard for him. Even with my approval rating hovering around 90 percent, I no I could do better, and it makes me just a tiny bit sad. But not as sad as this country.

So hear I am writing you while Chris is on the beach. This will tell you how important both me and this day are. It will also tell you why Chrises approval ratings are so lousy. But I would never say that to him. It might spoil his appetite.

And because I study history — as you know, folks — I got out of bed at 2:43 this morning and starting thinking about what President George Jefferson would do on the 4th of July. What was he thinking before he wrote the Star Spangled Banner? Why did he write the Star Spangled Banner? Maybe the greatest most terrific peace of legislation ever crafted. And he wrote it on the 4th of July. He could have been lying around on the beach like Chris is today, but no … instead he drove over to the White House and started writing.

I no exactly the feeling. And I think you need to here from me today, especially after all the support I got for tackling that CNN reporter. You might have missed this, but that CNN reporter stood for every, single lying, stinking, fake, terrifically awful news media person in the world — besides Fox and Friends. That is called cymbalisim, folks.  Oh, and you should also know that person’s face was bleeding almost as much as Mika’s after I tackled her … I mean, him. I’m sure you can see why I posted that now. Rince advised me not to do it before he ran away. It took guts telling me not do it, I’ll give him that. In fact I will tell him that when he comes out of hiding. At some point he needs to eat.

But back to me and this important day. I want to make sure I say this. In fact I am calling this my 4th of July Presidential Declaration: I am easily the most compassionate president in history!

For the 10 percent of you who don’t support me, I want you to think about this: Even people without a brain in their head support me. Go ahead. I want you to try to really think bigly about that. You are born without a brain in your head and you are still smart enough to vote for me. See wear I’m going?

This is why we don’t need any health care.

I told just this to Mitch, the stupid turtle. I said, “Mitch, who’s president, me or you?” He just looked at me with that dumb look on his face, like he was trying whistle but only air was coming out. You know the look …. I told him, “You have perfectly good people without brains in their head supporting me. They are stupid, uneducated and just want a job in a coal mine. Why-in-the-hell do we have to buy them healthcare on top of it????”

This is why I am a great businessman. Never give the other guy a goddam thing — especially when they are already happy with what little they have.

Anyway, by now, I have to admit this, folks, I was furious. Am I the only one in government who sees this????? Meanwhile, Mitch just stands there was his “pop goes the weasel look.”

We could take the trillions we are spending on health care and maybe, I dunno, build a wall? Do you see how brilliant that is? I have to admit, I just thought of that while I was writing this important 4th July declaration. This is what happens to great writers like me and Jefferson. Ideas just pop in our heads and onto a peace of paper.

So that’s we’ll do. We’ll get rid of this awful, mean health care bill and use that money to build the wall Mexico was supposed to build. I know what you are thinking: Wow, this president is incredibly, incredibly brilliant. How did we get so lucky? And he is giving us this news on the 4th of July in a declaration.  Even Mexico will be happy about this because now I am not making them build a wall. It’s like a birthday president for them on OUR birthday. This is why I am the most compassionate president in history.

On behalf of presidents like Jefferson, Franklin and Washington, I wish you and yours a very happy 4th of July. But remember this: If you blow your hand off with a firecracker, you are on your own.

-Donald J. Trump

 

Written By

destephens

Lived everywhere. Started in Africa, then to America, then to Europe, then ... back to America, which lately seems to pride itself in going back. Almost made it 30 years in print journalism, before it all went bad. Really? Don’t think things are bad, eh? Who’s your new president, pal? How did that happen? Because it all went bad.

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