Trump Offers Christian Guidance to Americans Enjoying Their Paid, COVID-19 Holiday

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Saturday, March 21, 2020, 5:49 a.m.


Before announcing what I will continue to do every five minutes or so to keep you safe from China’s disease and the lying, awful, disgusting, fake, lousy media AND ESPECIALLY PETER ALEXANDER, I just want to make sure to say you are welcome for thanking me for all I am doing, and for paying you $1,000 for staying home with your kids and maybe catching up on your favorite TV shows and maybe even sending my campaign money.

I really wish I was as lucky as you are right now.

But, alast, the past few days have been very, very, very hard on me as I bark out orders in my awesome capacity as your wartime president and battle the disgusting, gigantically awful LOSER media. Nobody else has ever had to do this. It is a gigantic task, but as always I am completely up to it even if it makes me a little exhausted.

And I know I don’t look exhausted. I look like somebody about half my age. At least that’s what Ivanka told me as she was dressing me for my press conference yesterday in which I searched out my own truth to deliver to you the people, because you the people deserve to hear my truth and not some fake, made up truth.

You should also know that during these trying times of whoa and prosperity for me, I find myself turning to my Christian faith to keep me stronger than anybody. I suggest you try it, too, even if it won’t make you as strong as me.

You know, back when I was about 11 and very, very big for my age, I used to read the bible sometimes when I wasn’t busy patrolling the yacht club. Some of the hymns in it were very, very tricky, but I was always able to figure them out and devour their true meaning.

I think it is because my great-uncle, Günter, once studied to be a priest before becoming a land barren in Oswego County, N.Y., where he killed all the rotten Indians who lived there to build apartments for the real people to live in. Awful, awful savages those Indians. Do you know that they really did sleep outside and ate bugs sometimes?

They do operate some decent casinos, though, so I will give them a tiny bit of credit for that. Not a lot, just a little …

Anyway, Günter’s scholarly Christian knowledge must have just seeped into my pores through my mother or something and that’s why I always understood the bible better than anybody in my various honors classes. In fact, I know the bible better than anybody I know, besides the priests and nuns and the reverends.  And even the priests and nuns and the reverends come up to me all the time and say, “Mr. Trump, I have no idea where you came up with that interpretation of the bible. It’s really something.”

Well, as you can imagine, that always means a lot to me when they say that. I feel blessed …

One of my favorite stories in the bible applies to what we are going through now with the Chinese Virus.

I’d like to tell it to you in today’s Very Important Letter I am writing to you in the confines of the White House. And just so you know I am practicing social distracting whenever possible and whenever I am not around Stephen Miller or Ivanka, who can’t stay close enough to me for either of our liking. You should smell the perfume she’s wearing today, folks … risky … dangerous … wild as a tornado …  <sigh>

Er, anyway, here’s the sensational story:

One day Moses woke up after having a rough night on Mt. Cyanide. He couldn’t sleep because all the sheep he was in charge of were baaing very loudly. It wasn’t like the sheep to be this loud at night. Something must be terribly wrong, Moses thought to himself.

So he put on his sandals, grabbed his cane and went down to the village where he ran into Jesus, who was still only a boy and not as big as I was at his age. He also didn’t have a beard yet, so it is amazing Moses even recognized him in the first place. Moses was pretty amazing.

Anyway, I regress …

Moses said to Jesus: Thou wondrous child, ye sheep were baaing all night long and I am worried your father, God, might be very angry about something. Oh, Jesus, what could it be?!

Well, Jesus put down his bible and thought for a minute, and said: Oh Moses, you worry too much. Everything will be just fine. Me? I plan to live until I am 103!

Well, we all know what happened to Jesus, folks. It wasn’t too long after that he was hanging on a cross for talking back to Pancho Pilot all the time.

The morale of this story is, even the smartest people who have ever lived have been very wrong about things. Poor, poor, Jesus.

Well, as one of the smartest people who has ever lived, I am not making Jesus’s mistake, folks. This is why I have been able to live for so long — even if I don’t look very old.

I don’t believe a thing anybody tells me about anything. Especially scientists, who work far, far too slowly, and the lying, fake, horrendous, disgusting, nasty media.

My first instinct is always to keep myself alive and right now the best way to do it, is tell people the truth as I see it. So thank you in advance for believing it.

Like I said during my top-rated press conference in which I smashed the lying, fake, grotesque, disgusting media into pieces, my tremendous plans to cure the Chinese Disease may work, or they may not. I feel good about it. That’s all it is, just a feeling. I’m a smart guy.

So I wish you a tremendous day while you enjoy this long, paid holiday I am giving you while I figure out how to destroy the Chinese Virus and keep my poll numbers up at record levels.

And go easy on your toilet paper. There’s only so much of it to go around.

You are very welcome,

Donald J. Trump (and God)


(Politico, photo)

Written By


Lived everywhere. Started in Africa, then to America, then to Europe, then ... back to America, which lately seems to pride itself in going back. Almost made it 30 years in print journalism, before it all went bad. Really? Don’t think things are bad, eh? Who’s your new president, pal? How did that happen? Because it all went bad.

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