THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, August 31, 2019, 3:57 a.m.
Dear Americans Who are Thinking Deeply About Me Today!
First, I want everybody to know I am safe and sound in my undisclosed location in Camp David, Virginia, while I type you this Very Important Letter.
Third, I want to use this Very Important Letter to thank everybody who has contacted me hoping Hurricane Doreen doesn’t crawl in off the ocean and devastate our country’s hollowed Winter White House, Mar-a-Lago, home of the fattest steaks and thinnest blondes on the planet.
I am pretty sure, though, more people could and should be worried about this, so please do what you can to be more worried about me and my fabulous beachfront resort. It is very important and will say a lot about you as a person.
It’s hard enough that my Memorial Day Weekend will be impacted by worrying about this hurricane that could have been prevented if Obama hadn’t talked about global warming all the time. The power of suggestion is a very, very powerful tool, folks, and Obama was too stupid to understand this. He and the moronic, no-nothing scientists just kept on suggesting global warming was real when it’s not, and then just like that it started happening and things started getting very heated for me. I am sweating all the time now.
This is why I pulled out of the Paris Piece Accordion.
Only until everybody stops suggesting awful things are happening to the planet is when they will stop happening to the planet. In fact, I think those words I just typed off the top of my head and without any thought at all will go alongside some of the greatest things presidents have ever said.
“Only until everybody stops suggesting awful things are happening to the planet is when they will stop happening to the planet.”
That is brilliant. Eat your heart out President Franklin. Sure, you discovered electricity with a kite, but you never solved global warming with only the best words.
I can actually see these words on the side of the skyscraper they will build for me right next to Washington’s monument and Jefferson’s Funicello after I quit being your president in eight or nine years.
I am sick and tired of people suggesting things are happening all the time. The lying, crooked, no good, awful media suggests things are happening all the time and they just keep happening. It’s so, so unfair to me. So unfair … Everything is their fault or Obama’s. Or all three.
Anyway, back to Hurricane Doris …
While I am having incredibly high-level meetings here at Camp David I’ve have alerted everybody I am using my Executive’s Orders and suggested my caddie make sure my nuclear-powered cell phone is handy just in case today, while I am trying to get away for a bit and duck in a round of well-deserved golf and take my mind off Hurricane Diane.
My chief weather metropolitist in the White House is keeping an eye on the forecast and just told me Hurricane Danielle could go jogging south up the coast to completely devastate Georgia instead of hitting Mar-a-Lago which of course would be just great, great, spectacular news. But you never know with these things. Hurricanes are just as predictable as most broads, if you know what I mean … That’s why they aren’t called Himmicanes. I literally just made up that fantastic joke.
I think you can see I haven’t lost my sense of humor even though this hurricane might hit one of my 17 properties in Florida which are already underwater.
So thank you again for worrying about me and my stately properties, and remember, we are having our end-of-season membership drive at all of my properties. Buy one membership at Mar-a-Lago, and you get full use of all the other facilities on my properties throughout the Sunshine State — excluding the golf courses, hot tubs, tennis courts, pools and restaurants. You will also get a life-sized, autographed picture of me standing next to a tank and yelling at a general. You won’t get a better deal than this, but act now! Memberships are going fast!
Before I head downstairs for a working breakfast with Stephen Miller, I want to clear up one other thing:
I never suggested you could blow up hurricanes with nuclear bombs, even though I am sure you could. I spent the better part of a day earlier this week sending out tactical tweets that proved I never said this, even though I could have said it if I wanted.
Many, many people have told me that blowing up hurricanes with nuclear bombs is a brilliant idea, and that they can’t believe I could possibly even come up with it. So in the future when we are blowing up hurricanes with nuclear bombs, you can remember who never said it first but could have if he wanted.
OK, I am glad for the opportunity to clear that one up once and for all. Now, let’s say a holy, Christian prayer for all of my properties in Florida that might be in Hurricane Donna’s eye:
“Oh holy ghost, reckon not with those who have little, but mourn for those who have a lot — a real lot. For we are the chosen ones whose kingdom is thine angels and whose wealth is sustained, never reported. Sing for us but not too loudly because we are herding sheep through golden pastures and need sleep on ye heavenly clouds. Look after me, Oh Lord of Heaven, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever.”
OK, that should do it. You are welcome.
Stay safe and if you think about it, please donate to my property restoration project here. It’s very, very important.
-Donald J. Trump