THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday & Sunday August 5 & 6, 2017, 4:32 a.m. & 3:51 a.m.
To Everybody Wishing Me A Great Vacation!
BEDMINSTER, N.J. — I want to start with the truth today … I began writing my important weekly letter to you yesterday, but then my caddie, Pedro, interrupted me and told me that I had to play 36 holes today. I mean yesterday. I almost forgot I was on vacation, I guess, and finally had time on a Saturday to play more than one round of golf. Because of the way I have turned around the economy, I actually deserved to play three rounds of golf yesterday, but I still only played two. Sometimes I wish President Franklin was around to the see the example I am setting for the world in this regard. But I am sure he is looking down from heaven in amazement.
Anyway, I stopped my writing yesterday and followed Pedro out to the putting green. And before you ask, yes, Pedro is a Mexican, or a Puerto Rican. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is he reads putts like an Indian, and speaks better English than Jeff Sessions, so I keep him and his lovely family around the club doing odds and ends like keeping our 15 pools clean. He does have a lovely family, too, and they are very happy here. And by here, I mean, Newark. They could never live here, right folks? I’m sure you understand that. But for 18 hours a day, seven days a week, they just do what’s needed and are happy to have a chance to be great Americans, even though they aren’t really. I mean they’re great, just not Americans. I mean in the traditional sense.
But enough about them. Before I continue with the important information I was writing yesterday, I want to talk about my golf for a second. Turns out I broke several club records yesterday. I only know this because after I woke up at 2 this morning, and did 68 laps in my Olympic-sized pool, I saw pictures of my scorecard hung up everywhere. I am sure Pedro’s sister, Maria, was responsible for doing this in her spare time. Maybe on the bus ride in from Newark last night. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is I broke all these records yesterday and somebody else decided I needed credit for it. This is also important, and I’ll tell you why later. If I don’t, I don’t, though. It’s OK.
And speaking of pictures, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little upset with Fox News. Unfortunately, while I was sending out important tweets late last night, I noticed the second best journalist in the world next to Sean Hannity, Eric Balling, was suspended. They claim he was was sending out pictures of himself to the girls who work there. And I think because most of you are conservative, and not politically correct snowflakes, you now what “himself” means here, eh folks?
Well, this is an outrage, and I’m sure you agree. I know for a fact girls like it when you send pictures of “yourself” to them. As you know, I used to go into locker rooms at my beauty pageants. The girls would literally ask me to grab them. I didn’t — at least not that your aware of. But it doesn’t matter. What does matter is liberals like crooked Hillary are ruining this country with their political correctness. They are such babies and cry about everything. Even things that girls like. I will be placing a call to Fox when I am off the golf course today and demanding they give Eric his job back and apologize. If they don’t I won’t appear on Fox and Friends tomorrow morning and will just laugh at them as their ratings go down the toilet. I’m sure they’ll see things my way. They always do, and better.
Now back to the important things I was typing about yesterday …
Accept for all my successes it was another quiet week. First, I want to thank the people of West Virginia. You are great, great folks and what America is all about. Despite the miserable lives you seem to be leading, you just show up and cheer for me no matter what I do. And you should. Those coal mining jobs are on the way, as soon as I can get the do-nothing congress to act.
And your hate for lyin’ Hillary gives me inspiration. I still plan to lock her up, just so you know, because it is an important campaign promise I made. And as you know, I keep my campaign promises. This is why my poll numbers are so high and terrific.
I also want you to know how happy you make me. This is very, very important. You should always keep your president happy. You know that you serve the president. This is what sank Obama and why he left office with the worst approval ratings ever. He was very, very week. Nobody likes a week president. But as I told you many, many times he wasn’t born here, so what did you expect?
And I am also still sorry I couldn’t take your pathetic healthcare away from you. I know it’s what you wanted, and I will continue to work to try to strip this away from you as soon as possible. You deserve it. You can thank John McCain for this, who has never done anything for his country except get captured in a war. Get better soon, John, the lousy stinking liberals need you.
I also want to thank your governor for changing back into a Republican. As you know I did this and it isn’t hard. You just say things that you know people want to here and they love you for it. This is why I am perhaps the greatest politician since FDR. He was weak on a lot of things and gave stuff away all the time, but he did it because he could say things to people without them even knowing what he was trying to do. I say things all the time just to get my way. It’s what great presidents do, despite what the stinking, awful, bankrupt New York Times tells you.
And let me tell you, we hope to start jailing reporters soon. I will never know why this is so hard. They do it all the time in Russia, and nobody cries about it. You write a story the president doesn’t like, boom, they throw you in jail. How are we supposed to get things done in this country, if the lying, stinking, fake media can just report things without me knowing it. I want you to think about this, too.
When I was a wildly successful, dashing young man and living in two or three towers in New York City, my publicist, John Barron, used to be able to tell the media all the great things I was up to. And by “up to” I mean with the ladies. Know what I mean folks? I won’t go into this too much, because like I said the liberals hate it when I talk about all the women I used to have sex with. But come on, I was very powerful and very, very good looking. They were crawling over me. What was I supposed to do? I mean I am still very attractive and ladies by my Olympic-sized pool here always look at me when I walk by on my way to the golf course. I know what they want. I’m not stupid, folks. But I save all of that for Melania these days. Ivanka always asks how I have so much left over. Sometimes I worry about Jared. He’s not as strong as me.
Wow. I seem to be thinking about the ladies a lot today. It must be vacation! Even though it looks like am handling things so well in real life, like George Washington used to, sometimes I get a little stressed. As I always say, “Being president is easy. Being the greatest president of all time, isn’t.” I’ll just let my record poll numbers speak to how I am doing there, folks.
And with that, Pedro is giving me the stop sign. He’s actually being a little rude, so he should probably watch it. But he’s actually right and I have to go play golf. Please pray that I play even better than I did yesterday. That’s very important.
-Donald J. Trump