In Scathing, Jesus-Like Letter, Trump Slams Christian Newspaper that Attacked Him

As you know, when you read the Bible every night like I do, that those were very, very trying times, folks. It wasn’t easy being Jesus. He’d walk around and give terrific speeches all over the place like I do. Oh sure, he didn’t draw the crowds I did, but people loved him and prayed for him anyway.

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Trump Rips Farm Animals, Touts Tariff-Winning Farmers in Very Important Letter

Anyway, while I was busy running away from all the animals, a farm girl tackled me from behind and gave me something I’ll never forget, even if I can’t remember what it was. Whatever it was, though, it made quite an impression and I haven’t been back to a farm since. I think about that girl often, and how fast she could run. She ran like a goddam race horse and packed quite a wallop.

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