Trump Reassures America that Mar-a-Lago Will be Safe From Hurricane

Many, many people have told me that blowing up hurricanes with nuclear bombs is a brilliant idea, and that they can’t believe I could possibly even come up with it. So in the future when we are blowing up hurricanes with nuclear bombs, you can remember who never said it first but could have if he wanted.

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Trump Rips Farm Animals, Touts Tariff-Winning Farmers in Very Important Letter

Anyway, while I was busy running away from all the animals, a farm girl tackled me from behind and gave me something I’ll never forget, even if I can’t remember what it was. Whatever it was, though, it made quite an impression and I haven’t been back to a farm since. I think about that girl often, and how fast she could run. She ran like a goddam race horse and packed quite a wallop.

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With Everything on the Line, This is No Time for a Very Nice but Average Joe

Hell, damn near everybody likes Joe. He’s like the friendly neighbor up the street who always keeps his yard clean, waves as you walk by and is a helluva Little League coach. I respect Joe. He has spent his life as a public servant and while he has been on the wrong end of some pretty consequential calls in my opinion, I never questioned his heart or love of this country.

Those last two qualities right there should have disqualified Trump four decades ago.

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