AP BREAKING NEWS: (The Associated Press has obtained a copy of Trump’s Inauguration speech):
“Four score and seven years ago equals 87 years. Lincoln knew this, folks. Now I do, too. Speaking of Lincoln and presidents, I had coffee with Barack Obama this morning. Lovely guy. Truly. I did tell him, however, that unlike him, I would not be wasting all my best words today. You need to spread your best words out. Obama didn’t do this. He just used them all the time. Using them all at the same time is just showing off. I am not a show off.
I also want to get to my hands, but not yet. Before I do that I want to thank my wife Melania, who hasn’t blinked since Nov. 8. That is very, very impressive. Thank you, Melania, for not blinking. You will be a great first lady. I will miss you.
I also want to thank the FBI and Vladimir for their help. Yes, I know I shouldn’t say this, but if you don’t know by now I can say literally anything and not lose votes, you have not been paying attention. And not paying attention is SAD!
As to the voters … I know despite the fact I won in a landslide, a few of you don’t respect me or the outcome of this historic, one-of-a-kind, great, super-duper election. So this is probably a good time to talk about nukes. I will try very, very hard not to use them. Very. Even though they are just sitting there doing nothing. But my hands …
People have gone on and on about my hands. I will tell you that I had them measured just this morning, and they more than passed the mustard. Believe me. I also want to use my yuuge hands to reach out to folks in the inner cities, who have been all but ignored under Obama. I know you are struggling and not all of you are living the good life on welfare. I hope to round all of you up and get you drug-tested just as soon as possible so you can live the good life, too. Which leads me to healthcare …
It is just sad so many people in this country need health care. Pathetic. We will no longer be sick and weak under my administration. Believe me. You get sick, yer out. Period. And to those voters in coal country who supported me. Thank you. I hope to send you to the mines for those great jobs just as soon as possible, and just as soon as we can eliminate the disastrous EPA.
To Hillary Clinton? Suck it. You ran a very, very bad — not smart — campaign, Hillary. There’s no other way to say it, and believe me, I have tried. All those emails …
Finally, I want to mention Saturday Night Live. What a disaster, right folks? And Alec Baldwin? Not funny. And I know funny. I literally have not laughed since I was 3. Wait, maybe never. Do you know that the Celebrity Apprentice won the ratings war four score and 19 or 20 weeks in a row? I can kid when I have to. Amazing. OK, I hope this great speech covers everything. Even though I saved a few of my best words for later. We have six cover bands lined up to take it from here. Time for me to go and make America great again and also make sure Obama cleared all the books out of the Oval Office. I’ll see you on Twitter. You are welcome. God bless …”
