(EDITOR’S NOTE: On Thursday, October 17, 2019, Donald J. Trump called an emergency meeting of his top advisers in the Oval Office as the fate of his improbable presidency hung by a slender thread. Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney had just finished giving a press conference for the ages where he admitted to high crimes and told people to “get over it.” We have been told by a semi-impeccable source, this is most likely what happened in this history-making confab.)
Donald J. Trump: OK, what-in-the-hell was THAT pathetic, disgusting, unterrific, performance out there, Rick???
Mulvaney: I only said exactly what you told me to, Mr. President!! And please, please, please, my name is, Mick! MICK!!
Trump: Look, don’t you go getting inflatable with me, wise guy. WHY DID YOU DO THAT GODDAMMIT, WHY????? This might be the end for me!!! You just said there was a quid pro quo!!! Now I really do look like a witch!
Mulvaney hollering: Again, I said that because you told me to say there WAS A QUID PRO QUO and everybody needed to get over it!!
Trump: Well, when you saw admitting all of my crimes wasn’t working with the awful, fake, disgusting media, and I knew about the quid pro quo, why didn’t you just say, no, no, NO!?!
Mulvaney: Because you said it was so, so, SO!!
Trump: Well, dammit, now the quid pro quo has got to go, go, go!!
Stephen Miller interrupting: Gentleman, gentleman … Please. Vice President Pence is on the phone from his secure location in Turkey, Fuhrer.
Trump: Hello? Hello?? Mike?? Mike??? Are you there? Mike????
Mike Pence: Reporting for duty, sir!
Trump: Reporting for duty?? What the fuck are you …. argh, never mind. Mike, please give me some good news. Is the war over? Do we have a truce? Can we declare victory over the awful Kurds? Did “whatever his name is” buy our powerful overtures?
Pence: I am pretty sure there is a cease fire, sir, for five days.
Trump: Pretty sure????
Pence: Erdogan’s a tough cookie to deal with, sir. Told me he would end the entire war right now in exchange for Ohio.
Trump: WHAT?! And who’s Erdowon?
Pence: Erdogan, sir. The president of Turkey?
Trump: Oh yeah, right. Go on …
Pence: Anyway, I told him he couldn’t have Ohio because you needed it to win the presidency for the next 12 years, so I offered him Mississippi instead. He laughed right in my face and called me very un-Christian-like names.
Pence: Exactly. You were listening?
Trump clears his throat: No, goddammit, I wasn’t listening. Well, didn’t he get my beautiful letter??
Pence: Yes. And he said and I quote: “Please tell me your idiot president didn’t write that pathetic letter. I actually thought it was something from Dr. Seuss.”
Trump: Who the fuck is Dr. Seuss? And so what if I write like a doctor! Does he hate doctors too? And so I don’t write with a lot of mumbo-jumbo! And yet he still thinks I am a Dumbo-Dumbo? Does he think I should say, ho-ho-ho? What, he is stupid enough to think I don’t know, know, know?
<Ten seconds of the deadest silence that has ever been in any room ever>
Trump: Anyway, I can still write important letters. That bozo needs to respect his betters.
<Ten more seconds of the deadest silence that has ever been in any room ever>
A door opens and Ivanka Trump walks in: <five seconds of inaudible cooing>
Trump: You, too, lamb cakes. Come on over here and sit on … er, um, next to your dad and cheer him up.
Ivanka: <four seconds of inaudible cooing>
Mulvaney: I swear, I don’t know how anybody can hear a word she’s saying.
Trump: Shatup, Vick.
Trump: Yeah, I am ready for that Texas rally tonight, sweet thing. You gonna wear that hot-pink, low-cut dress with the orange bow on the back I like to twiddle so much? The Texans will love it, but they better not love it too much. That dress means a lot to us, doesn’t it, danger-bear?
Ivanka: <three seconds of inaudible cooing>
Miller interrupts the cooing: Oh no! Rick Perry just quit, Fuhrer!
Trump: What did you say?!
Miller: Rick Perry just up and quit, Fuhrer.
Trump: Why I knew that Clark Kent-looking knucklehead would pull a superman and fly off on me just when I needed him most.
Mulvaney: That was actually pretty clever, sir.
Trump: Thanks, Dick.
Mulvaney: <sighs> Don’t mention it.
Trump: Get me Rudy on the phone, Stephen.
Miller: Rudy’s line has been dead for the last 24 hours, Fuhrer. Nobody has heard from him. He even canceled our weekly play date in the basement.
Trump: OK, get me Lindsey.
Miller: Already tried, Fuhrer. He is also unavailable and canceled our sewing lesson this morning.
Trump: Yer what?! Christ, never mind … the shit that goes on around here …
Trump: We need to come up with another strategy to distract from this Ukraine, Turkey, Perry quitting and Doral stuff … Any ideas?
Ivanka: (Fourteen seconds of inaudible cooing>
Trump: That’s a helluva idea, smoke-thumper. A helluva idea …
Mulvaney: What? What did she say, what did she say?!?!
Trump: Shut it, Mick.
Mulvaney: Mick. Mick!! You got it right! You got my name right!!!
Trump: <panting like a hyena>
Mulvaney: Oh no. No … Please! No!
Trump: Oh yes. And your name better be spelled right on that press release you are about to put out, smart guy.