President Trump used his important, weekly letter to the American people to tell them he can support a fat, woman candidate, just as long as it is the right fat, woman candidate.
THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, June 24, 2017, 5:17 a.m.
Dear American Loyalists!
First off I want to thank the people of Ohio who were very, very nice to me this week during my important speech. Great folks. It felt terrific to be back on the campaign trail again where I am loved and adored. These people understand me. I can say literally anything I want out there and they cheer and scream for me. This is very important.
I also want to say right off the top and as forcefully as possible that Obama rigged the election with the Russians. Notice how all he does is complain it? Think about that, folks. Think about that.
Anyway, back to the campaign trail. The Midwest has always been a very, very nice, not mean, special place to me. Next time I will visit the Gulf of Mexico if I have time. Unfortunately for me, the fake news media is trying to get me every minute so I need to be on my tows. Right after my important speech, I had to get back to my couch in the Oval Room as quickly as possible and monitor Fox and Friends to make sure they were at least keeping the facts straight. I am proud to report they got almost everything rite. I also like the new blonde they got sitting in the middle of the couch between the fellas. She seems to know her place, so that’s good and important. Ivanka likes her, two, so that kind of speaks for itself.
The rest of the lying media are still out to get me, because they are jealous of my success. So I have decided that I will be closing all my press briefings to them. There will be no press in my press briefings anymore. Only people who get me and love America. Like the good people of Ohio.
And speaking of the Midwest, how about Georgia, eh, folks?! The stupid liberals up there thought they actually had a chance. And did you see all the black people standing in the water in those long lines to vote? Are they two stupid to go inland to the drier voting booths to vote? I mean, I don’t mean to be mean — and I’m not — but come on! Pathetic!
I also think FINALLY people will agree now that I can in fact support a woman, even if she is fat. I mean, let’s face it, Handle is not my type or most guy’s type, but for the good of the country I supported her. How many people would do that? I just hope she doesn’t lose any weight because she might be running against me someday! Eh, folks?
Joking … Joking!
My father, Fred, used to think I had a terrific, great sense of humor, and I guess he was right. He used to say, “Donny, you crack me up when you do that weird thing with your lips and fingers and talk about how popular are.” I’ll never forget that.
Well, you can tell I am in a great mood today. I actually told Rince to take the day off, though I am still not sure from what. I’ve never seen him do anything — I mean besides bringing me my cell phone or my clicker or my putter. He’s very, very quiet that guy. Like a mouse. Not like Steve, who leaves potato chip crums and spilled bourban all over my Easy chair. Brilliant guy, though, and knows so much about the First Amendment. He could teach the lying media a thing or to about facts and honesty. I do wish he’d shower more, though. But I think his filth is kind of his strength, too. I admire that, actually.
Anyway, I want to talk about the healthcare bill witch seems to be moving through congress. I have not decided if it is mean or nice. As you know, I want a nice bill. I tried to tell this to Paul, but he really didn’t listen. But I through a beer party on the Rose Lawn, anyway. This is what great negotiators like me do. We don’t show our hand. Paul thought I loved his bill, but I really hated it. Who new, right?
I told Mitch I didn’t want to know what they were doing with Paul’s mean bill, so they went away and hid. I still don’t want to know, though I hear his bill might be a little nicer. I want to here the CIO score on it, before I make a judgment. I want it a lot, lot nicer, but, again, I don’t want to see it, because then I would have to make a decision before I wanted to. I will only make a decision when I am good and damn ready. This accounts for my 91 percent approval rating. People know they can’t push me around. Like lying Hillary in those debates. I still can’t believe the things she was saying. Anyway.
I guess I’ll close this important letter to you to say — and I have to say it — I am getting very, very tired of people being so mean to me. I don’t normally pore my heart out like this, but nobody has ever been attacked like I have. Evvvv-er. So I want you to think about this before I head off to the golf course: I could have shot one of you in the middle of 5th Avenue last year to prove how much people love me, and didn’t. Think about that. No really, let it sink in.
Best of luck to you and America,
Donald J. Trump
