A calm, cool and collected Donald Trump ensured everybody he was OK after bravely taking his military into war against Syria on Friday.
THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, April 14, 2018, 3:38 a.m.
Dear American Patriots Who Respect My Power,
First, I just want to say that everybody is safe and sound in the White House after we went to war with Syria last night. I want to be clear that as the Commander and Chief of the most powerful military ever assembled in the history of the world I came through without a nick, which is pretty spectacular, folks. In fact I was up especially early this morning ensuring everybody knew I was fine.
I know you are hearing that this war has bipartisan support of the willing but I am in charge. We both know that France and England and maybe, possibly — I don’t know — Russia could never do what I did last night with my military. So for now, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! But there might be more missions in the future, so watch my Twitter feed for updates. AMERICA and TRUMP FIRST!!! BOMBS AWAY!!!!!!
Now I need to get other things off my chest that have been bothering me this week. As you know I have been treated very unfairly by almost everybody except Fox and Friends. Without Fox and Friends where would I be with the lying, stinking, filthy, disgusting, fake, mean, stupid media making up stories about me? It is awful, folks, just awful.
But the good news yesterday was McCABE IS COMEY! I can’t say this enough, folks. I knew it all along. They are interchangeable. The only difference is one of them is very, very tall. I mean, I am no slouch in the tall department. Last I checked my doctor told me I was about at 6’7” 215 lbs., but Comey is like a freak. He is a freak, actually, and HE IS McCABE! God, they are all so much alike. I mean besides being different sizes.
I also want to thank Paul Ryan for leaving, though I am going to miss the way he looked up to me, speaking of being tall. It was very impressive the way he looked at me. It was almost as if he couldn’t believe how much he looked up to me. I mean, I get it, folks, I am really something to look at, but this was a different kind of look. Almost like he wanted me. And let’s face it, folks, I am not THAT kind of guy, OK? And I think he made Pence a little jealous, so it’s probably good he went back to Michigan to eat cheese and root for the Packers, or whatever the hell it is they do up there.
And now I want to talk about even more important things. I am going to ask you to read this more slowly than I have written it: If I hear one more thing about a Blue Wave I am ordering my helicopter to take me to 5th Avenue where I will shoot one of my supporters to make a very, very serious point. You laugh, but you’ll notice I never do. I hate laughing. And right now is not a laughing matter, which is very important because, again, I DON’T LAUGH.
Seriously, I-have-had-it with these Republicans who are losing elections everywhere. Look, if I could run everywhere, I would. But I can’t be running everywhere, I need to be running in place here. So I am forced to be here worrying about a bunch of idiots who have no idea what I am doing to sell all the things I am doing on the campaign trails to voters who love and adore me. Now maybe you understand why this is no laughing matter. But I sort of doubt it …
It is so, so unfair to me, folks. It’s like all this spectacular work I am doing to make America Great Again is being wasted by these stumbling, bumbling idiots who have no idea how to run a damn race. Think about that. Look what I did for the great job-providing corporations in the country. LOOK!!! I took healthcare away from almost everybody, lowered rich people’s taxes so they could hire millions and millions of people … I am stuffing people back in coal mines, killing awful, no-good, hairy animals, dumping corporate waste back into the water where it belongs, and taking benefits away from lazy, do-nothing poor people. I don’t know what else I can do for these idiots who are out there running on MY platforms???? They are breaking my platforms!!
I am planning on issuing an ultra-maiden to them next week: Either the GOP will stop breaking my platforms or they will not get my support on the campaign trails. Without my support, they will shrivel up and die. I am like the sun and the rain to them. And if you think this kind of writing sounds like George Jefferson, I can understand that. Next to me, he was our greatest writing president. I admit it, he was very, very good at writing, but remember he was also lucky enough to have slaves, so he had a lot more free time on his hands to practice writing and going to the libary and that sort of thing. I just make things up off the top of my head without doing any research at all. I think this is why everybody loves me. Well, one of the reasons anyway.
My father, Fred, always used to say to me, “Donny, I have to say I don’t have one single idea where you come up with half this shit that comes out of your mouth.” Well, as you can imagine, that always meant a lot to me …
Finally, I just want to say how incredibly horrible all this stuff happening to Michael Cohen is. I have known Michael on and off for a few years or maybe months, and while I have absolutely no idea what he was doing — none whatsoever — I will guess it was to help people. But all I can do is guess, because I barely knew him at all. Still, if you are reading this, Michael, stay strong. And remember the Scooter!
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump
