“I loved my previous life. I had so many things going. This is more work than in my previous life. I thought it would be easier.” -Donald Trump on being president to Reuters, April 27, 2017. Day 98 of the plague.
(Edit Note: Updated to reflect the longest 99 days in world history. This was originally posted last week when Trump had not yet declared war on our national monuments, failed to destroy Obamacare for the 9th time, said THAT above to Reuters, blamed Obama for hiring Comrade Flynn, backtracked on NAFTA, sent a carrier group toward North Korea or was it North Carolina? “I mean, what’s the difference, folks, a major, major nuclear conflict would be a beautiful, beautiful, terrific thing,” fed Reince Priebus, slapped Sean Spicer, doubled-down on drilling our ocean wildlife into submission, threatened to starve Puerto Rico out of existence, displayed a 2nd-grader’s comprehension of our federal and state court systems, tripled down on building his imaginary wall, and planned a victory party for fellow Nazi enthusiast, Marine Le Pen.)
Say this for Donald Trump, when he fails and lies he does both spectacularly. Since Gallup started tabulating such things over 60 years ago, or about when Trump’s emotional growth was stunted, there has never been a president who has approached being the orange-hot mess he has over the first quarter of the first year of a presidency.
Trump has been such an inept, bumbling fool, he has managed to make Bill Clinton look like George Washington over the first 90-plus days of his presidency. This, despite the fact Clinton was dealing with bi-weekly bimbo eruptions, a shaky economy and a wife who was driving the stake of a 16-year plan into his cheatin’ heart.
Trump has displayed such ignorance and singular rottenness at governing, Obamacare is now popular among millions in his own party. These are the very people who hollered for Clinton’s wife to be locked up. You know, the very gal who unpopularly rammed universal healthcare into the public’s conscientiousness in the first place. Go ahead, attempt that deliciously ironic trick. No matter how hard you practice, it will never end as badly as it has for Trump.
So spun up over his laughable inability to do anything right during the first 100 days of his presidency, Trump, otherwise a real winner if there ever was one, is now threatening to take himself hostage if things don’t start improving, and fast.
“I swear, if you don’t build me that incredible, terrific wall, and start loving me like I do myself, I am going to shut your pathetic government down, take Steve Bannon with me and go home and lock myself in my 5,500-square-foot slipper closet. Then you’ll see how miserable your life is without me and my best words.”
He then shoved his tiny thumb in his mouth, kicked Sean Spicer in both shins and cried into Jared Kushner’s tiny, abbreviated shoulder.
Luckily, Trump carries the Jack Kevorkian healthcare plan.
Trump’s average approval rating through the first quarter of his first year in semi-retirement in Mar-a-Lago is so abysmal, so awful, such a terrific, epic disaster, Merriam-Webster called an emergency meeting Thursday and will be adding the word Trump to their collection of best words.
a sudden event, such as an accident or a natural catastrophe, that causes great damage or loss of life.
It should be typed, that all is not lost for Trump who has landed a starring role in the reality TV series, Fox and Friends. He is killing it in the 6-to-8 a.m. ratings window. Among 76-yr.-old blue hairs in Kentucky he’s a damn sensation. Advertisers report shotguns, Viagra and Dolcolax are literally sliding off the shelves.
Among the rest of the vast majority of Americans, Trump has become such a complete, utter and laughable disaster, Ted Cruz and Anthony Weiner have decided it’s best they keep their distance, so as not to ruin their reputations.
Of course things could always turn around for Trump if he can somehow break this nasty habit of lying. (Hang on, I think I just spit up all over myself …)
OK, I’m back. If Trump is to start coming clean with the American public he’s got work to do. Work, like pushing a 2-ton boulder of West Virginia coal up the side of Trump Tower using only his tiny fingers. The Pulitzer-Prize winning Politifact’s “Trump File” follows:
- True 16 (4%)
- Mostly True 49 (12%)
- Half True 57 (15%)
- Mostly False 78 (20%)
- False 129 (33%)
- Pants on Fire 64 (16%)
Trump’s statements have the resonance of something you might get from a spoiled 5-yr.-old who is hopped up on Cherry Coke, Pop-Tarts and willing to say literally anything for just 30 minutes more in the arcade. Hook this guy to a lie-detector and the thing would diagram a picture of surrender.
Sixty-nine percent!! of what comes out of Trump’s mouth is either mostly false, false, or “pants on fire” false.
But leave it to Trump. By week’s end he was back to making his case …
“I don’t think that there is a presidential period of time in the first 100 days where anyone has done nearly what we’ve been able to do.”
In other words, it’s likely to get a whole helluva lot worse, if you can imagine that.