THE WHITE HOUSE
Sunday, November 5, 2017, 11:31 p.m., Japan Time
Good Evening Loyal Supporters!
As you know I am on a very important trip to The Overseas right now. I have been told this is the most terrifically important voyage any president has ever made to The Overseas. Never in the history in the world have we needed a person like me to go to The Overseas and let everybody know that America is still in charge of everything. It will be a relief to them. So that’s what I’ll be doing. I will also be in South Korea staring directly at North Korea. I will not be going to the TMZ, though. I wanted to, but everybody told me that because I am so tall, I would make an easy target for their nuclear missiles. So rather than duck all day, I will probably stay behind enemy lines and just tweet strategically to my 327 million followers about how awful Hillary still is.
And no worries, folks, I am committed to putting her behind bars for her treasonous behavior during the campaign. She’s an awful, disgusting person which is why I beat her to a pulp in a landslide, and despite what anybody says in the lying, stinking, awful media I won by about five million votes. You know it, I know it and Hillary knows it. So when I can free up my schedule, which is very, very busy, folks, I’ll work to make sure she is locked up. But really, because I am so incredibly busy I never hardly think about her.
And I am sure you wondered why I said good evening when most of you are reading this Very Important Letter in the morning. Well, I actually am almost in tomorrow already over hear because Air Force One can speed past time and take us into tomorrow already. It’s really amazing. I still feel like I am in today, but I am actually in tomorrow. I love science, as you know.
I am also very excited about this important trip because I will finally get a chance to visit Vietnam. I always wanted to get there but never had the opportunity. I want to visit all the important places where our military won this war. As you know General McCartney did a great, great job here and I hope to visit his grave. I’m sure it will be very emotional. But I won’t cry, folks, because as you know I am not a baby. My father Fred used to say all the time, “Donny, just shut up already and stop acting like a baby.” Well, as you can imagine, that meant a lot to me.
The Japanese have also been very, very nice to me — so nice … They love me so much they bow to me. I have been told this is the first time this has ever happened, so I am very honored. I hope when I am finally able to shove people back into the coal mines, lower my taxes drastically, and take away their healthcare, the good, loyal people in Appalachia will start bowing to me. I will deserve it. I mean, I already do deserve it, so I am little disappointed they aren’t bowing yet. But they will. They will.
I am also pleased to announce the Mueller investigation is over. Maybe now I can start building that wall. Did you know China has a wall? It really is spectacular. I haven’t seen it yet. But I can’t wait. I here it is pretty old and in need of work, but that’s OK, at least they have a wall, and no Mexicans have got into their country in a while now. That is very important.
Anyway, what a waste of time this stupid Russia crap was. Some guys named Manafort, Davis and Popadoppadappa say they spent a lot of money in Russia and that they there were in a few meetings with me. So what? There’s always people in meetings with me. I don’t notice most of them because what they say doesn’t matter. It only matters what I say. So right there you can see that I was innocent. Everybody knows I don’t listen to anybody. If there was one person I might listen to it is Putin. People hate it when I say that, but let’s face it, he does a great, great job in Russia. This is why I have decided to visit him while I am here. He can help me lead you back there.
And of course the lying, stupid awful, disgusting media reported that I was throwing a fit in the White House when Mueller announced he was arresting Popodacka and the rest. This made me angry so I called the New York Times to tell them that everything is fine. I had a very nice, gracious call with them, and they wrote a very nice story telling everybody that I called them and everything was fine. I mean, come on folks, if you can’t believe the New York Times, who can you believe? Which is why I called them.
Well, because tomorrow is almost over and you are just beginning yesterday, I have to end this very, very important letter tonight.
Your Great Leader,
Donald J. Trump