THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, July 13, 2019, 4:49 a.m.
Dear Real Americans Who Deeply Care About Me!
I am sorry I was unable to write a Very Important Letter to you last week, but I was very busy throwing a parade and as always making American as great as possible for the people who deserve it. This is not easy, so I forgive you if you sometimes forget that. But don’t forget it anymore. That’s terrifically important. Especially as my campaign enters its final, 18-month phase.
In fact, because you are making thousands of extra dollars every week thanks to the greatest economy in the history of the American republic, please donate to my endless campaign here.
Thank you. You won’t be sorry, unless you deserve to be, in which case I think that is very, very sad. Nobody deserves to be sorry. I have never been sorry about anything in my life. So you’re welcome.
I have a lot to get to today and a very well-deserved early tee time, so I will be writing this Very Important Letter more quickly than usual. Generally I write these things without much thought, because I already know everything, so I don’t have to think very deeply about anything. It is a gift from God that very, very few people have had over the course of centuries and even decades. Some people say President George Jefferson had it, but I am spectacle of this. He took a long time to write things while sitting comfortably on his ranch in Valley Forge.
I want to say right off the bat I am still trying decide whether I remember Jeffrey Epstein or not. Once Alan Dershowhich tells me how I should proceed I’ll let you know. Because of my detective memory I often can’t remember how well I should remember people, even if it seems like I should remember them more than I do — or not. For instance, I seem to remember a crook named Michael Cohen who tried to ruin my life. Some people say he was my personal lawyer but I don’t remember it that way, so it wasn’t.
It’s very, very important you remember this, folks. It will explain a lot of things about the way I operate and why I am president and you are sitting there in the comfort of your house with your great jobs reading my Very Important Letters. So even if I have trouble sometimes remembering how much I should remember some things, remember that I said this. And don’t forget it.
Now where was I …?
Oh yeah, I want to talk very quickly about the women’s soccer team and the girl with the pink hair who has tried to completely destroy my life and has been very, very mean and not very nice to me in public. Just so you know, I have nothing against her and haven’t even given her a first, second or third thought. I do wonder why she would turn her hair funny colors, though. This is why I am lucky to be a natural blonde and why almost everybody except Democrats are jealous of my fabulous, flowing hair.
But I detest …
What I really want to say is, even though you want to, I am not sure you should come to the White House for a visit because I am not sure I would even recognize you if you showed up, even with your pink hair. It is probably best if all this ruckus you have raised just died down and we can get back to making America great again without your me-first, selfish attitudes of hogging the spotlight from me. Now thank you for going away for good. I won’t be giving you any more thoughts. Not that I ever did in the first, second or third place.
Moving on from that nightmare … I do hope everybody heard my incredible speech this week on the environment and all we have done to make sure the air you breath and the water you drink is the best that it has ever been. Even though I haven’t had a drop of tap water that I am aware of over the course of my lifetime, everywhere I go people tell me how clean their water is. You are welcome, because keeping our water clean while our great, tremendous corporations pollute it to make sure you have great jobs is tricky. Yet we have figured out a way to do this, which is just tremendous when you think about it.
This is another reason it is very important not to listen to science. It is just gets in the way of progress and clean drinking water. I think now you can understand why I got us the hell out of the Paris Peace Accordion. They are anti-jobs and anti-clean drinking water — especially in France where those awful women hogged the spotlight from me by winning the soccer championship. Not that I care.
Before I hit the links I want to say one more time that we won a terrific victory on the senses survey. Even though some courts say I can ask questions about my senses, I decided I didn’t want to. Even Bill Barr, who doesn’t like to listen to our lowlife courts, agrees with me on this, as he said in Rose’s Garden yesterday or the day before. I can’t remember right now, but it isn’t important … like most things I can’t remember.
Now we are free to send ICE out tomorrow to break down doors and round up all these disgusting people who came into our country on caravans to steal the good-paying jobs I gave you. We won’t even be throwing these people in air-conditioned cages. They don’t deserve it. We will just round them up, put them in nets and attach them to helicopters that will fly over the dangerous border and my gigantic, sensational wall that Mexico has paid for. Then the helicopters will dump these evil, awful, filthy people back in Mexico where they came from in the first place. Maybe Mexico can finally create coal mining jobs for these lowlifes like I have for our lowlifes.
OK, I am actually starting to get a little tired thinking about all this hard work I am doing, so I am going to stop writing this Very Important Letter and have a couple of McMuffins to get my incredible strength back up before golf.
You are welcome again for thanking me so much, but I think it’s time you started sending me more money instead. It is very important and something you shouldn’t forget.
God is Holy!
Donald J. Trump
