THE WHITE HOUSE
Friday, September 13, 2019, 4:44 a.m.
Good Morning Americans Who Feel the Same Way About Things I Do!
Because I have been busy guarding Alabama from hurricanes, striking fear into the Taliban, and dealing with the awful, no-nothing, Secretary of the Exteriors Michael Bolton, I have not written you a Very Important Letter in two weeks.
I am sorry, but not nearly as sorry as you are. And I mean that. Yer welcome.
Before I really get going here, I want to let you know that I just opened our water up to being being polluted by anybody who damn well wants to pollute it. This is America! What right does water have to say it doesn’t want to be polluted? This is insane and just more mumbo-jumbo from Obama who always listened to water and not you. Who listens to water and not you??? That evil Obama, that’s who.
Water has no rights, folks. You do. And I want your water dirty as hell, if it has to be. But that’s up to us … me, I mean, and not water! I can’t believe I even have to deal with this. Mark my words, if I want your water polluted it will be. You’re welcome for me taking care of this for you.
Now about Hurricane Darlene. I will say just one more thing about this or maybe two …
I had intelligence from an individual I won’t name here who told me Doreen was scheduled to hit Alabama. So I asked Wilbur Ross for my nuclear-powered Sharpie and made the correction on the map that the unidentified person told me to. When a person who works for the unidentified person wrote that horrible tweet correcting me wrongly in public, I went back to the unidentified person and said that there were big, bigly, major problems here and that I was being made to look like a fool everywhere and I am not fool anywhere and especially there.
I’ll have you know, I am a spectacular expert on the weather and hurricanes, even though not a lot of people know that. Well, they know that now don’t they, folks? Even though I had the right to fire every single person in NASA over that awful, awful tweet, I didn’t. I think this shows how caring and restricted I am.
But it will never happen again. If I give out a weather report from unidentified people in my administration THEY WILL STAND. If I say it will be sunny tomorrow and it is sunny it will be because I told you it would be. If it rains instead, you can bet one of those awful NASA employees tried to trick me and there will be reperstations. I won’t have it.
OK, enough about that.
I think you can tell this is making me very angry. I hope you are apologizing to me for that while you are reading this Very Important Letter. I can’t believe how unfair this has been to me. Nobody has ever had to go through this. Obama didn’t, I know that. And he knows nothing about the weather. He wasn’t even born here, so what does he know about America’s weather?
Where was I? I am so damn mad right now …
Oh yeah … You are welcome for me saving you from the Taliban. I was all set to trick them into an agreement until they tried to pull a fast one on me that would have never worked. And as you know I simply don’t put up with abusive men who belittle women and minorities like the evil Taliban do. Who does that?
I simply wanted to lure them to Camp David and then take them hiking and probably help my secret servant agents throw them off a cliff. But then the evil, fake, disgusting media got wind of the fact that I was bringing the Taliban to Camp David without knowing all the facts. Now that the facts are known, you tell me how smart it would have been to lure the Taliban to camp David on 9/11 and throw them off a cliff? I think I know the answer.
My God, I am mad right now and doing everything I can to keep my exposure.
I think I will type a powerful Christian prayer right now to calm myself down. Thank God I am in command of Christianity …
Oh Lord of Jesus. Why art thou sending thy worried flock to look upon my soul? I am but a special man made from thine frankensense and mirth. How thou look down on me like an angel when thee heavens rock in the baby’s cradles. Oh Moses, praise be light and not darkness, for thine flock is being tended to by reckless angels. -Amen
There, I feel better now and I’m sure you do, too, so you are welcome. But don’t make me mad again. I am sick of being mad. I can’t remember the last time I smiled. This is so unfair. So, so unfair …
You know, after I did something kind of bad on the mean streets of the Yacht Club in Long Island when I was a boy, my father, Fred, used to say to me all the time, “Donny, I’d ask you to wipe that smile off your face, but I’m not sure I have ever seen you smile.”
Well, as you can imagine, that always meant a lot to a tough guy like me.
Rather than continue to allow you to lather me up, I will end on another positive note. On Wednesday I passed sweeping legislation that will end flavored vaping. As you know Melanie has a child and I want her child not to have to worry about flavored vape while he is in his frat house at Dartmeth or Culumbia.
He seems like a good kid. Much better than Eric and Tiffany. If I could ever get the slimy, awful, disgusting, evil, loud media off my back, I’d like to get to know him a little better.
For now, I will just wish him God’s speed and say you are welcome to everybody who is busy thanking me right now. Yer welcome. Try to thank me more, though. That’s very important.
-Donald J. Trump