(EDITOR’S NOTE: On Wednesday night, Donald J. Trump, the most powerful, all-knowing president we have had in the last three years, called an emergency meeting with key advisers to discuss his unrelenting War Against Truth, Justice and The Evil Kurds. Lucky for you, we are in a position to know what that meeting almost certainly sounded like. The transcripts follow.)
Donald J. Trump: Good evening. I am glad you accepted my invitation for this last-second, emergency Very Important Meeting even if you didn’t have a choice.
Stephen Miller: Of course, Fuhrer. We bleed for you.
<mumbling in the background>
Trump: Before we get started … Hold on a minute! Where’s Pence?
Miller: Not here, Fuhrer.
Trump <hollering>: Not here?!?! Not here??? Why that no-good, rotten, Casper The Friendly Ghost looking, two-bit, base-eating traitor!! Not here?! NOT HERE??????? The rotten SOB is out for my job, I tell ya. I know he is. I know it!!!
Mick Mulvaney: Well, I am sure he just …
Trump interrupts: Shut up, Rick!
Mulvaney: It’s Mick, sir.
Trump: I said shut up, Dick!!!
Mulvaney: Yes sir.
Trump <screaming>: If Pence thinks he can just hide away somewhere and wait for all this Ukraine fake news to blow over, he is making a BIG horrible, disgusting mistake. He is easily as guilty as I am and everybody else in this room and maybe … probably … even more so.
Lindsey Graham: Uh, you are not guilty of one, single thing — not one iota, not one cotton-pickin’ little iddly-biddly thing, not anything, anything, anything, Mr. President, and I will literally say that to just about anybody who will listen to me. I will even scream at them and bite them and scratch them if I have to.
Trump: Thank you, Lindsey. I am not sure why you brought a feather duster to this meeting, but I will say you have become a very, very good boy ever since that awful, awful McCain finally died. He was a very, very bad influence on you. You know that now, right?
Graham: Yes sir, I do. And I will put away my feather duster just for you, Mr. President. It’s just part of a little game me and Mitch play when we are hanging out together after Pilates.
Trump: Well, ahem, OK. Your loyalty means everything to me and my family. I think you will find a little something in your locker at Turnberry that will make you very, very happy and not sad next time you visit Scotland on my behalf.
Graham: Thank you sir!
Jim Jordan: Did somebody mention lockers????
Trump: I wondered why I invited you, Jordan … And don’t mention it, Lindsey. Actually go ahead and mention it. Nobody can thank me enough for all the terrific things I do, but it is very important everybody tries to thank me. So thank you for thanking me. OK, moving on, I just want to … wait! <Trump screams at Jordan> Now what are YOU doing?!
Jordan: I am rolling my sleeves up, Mr. President.
Jordan: I am readying myself for battle, sir! Before a meeting I like to picture myself on a wrestling mat with a strapping young lad. I am grabbing him and pinning him and holding him and then grabbing him some more and kiss …
Trump <screaming again>: SHUT UP, you bungling hillbilly!!!!
Jordan: Yes sir, Mr. Trump.
Trump: Now roll your fucking sleeves down. This is a business meeting, not a locker room.
Jordan: Yes, sir.
Trump: Stephen, go find Pence and drag his ass in here.
Miller: Ya, Fuhrer.
Jordan: I can help if you like. I could grab him, and put him in a half nelson and then grab him a little bit more. And then I could pin him and it would be just like …
<a chair flies across the room and crashes into Jordan who lets out a terrible moan>
Trump: Grab that, you stupid, fucking hick. You need to shut up and save your wrestling bluster for those idiots you represent in Iowa who love me not you, OK???
Jordan <lisping>: I am from Ohio, thir.
Trump: So now you are talking back to me?
Jordan: No thir. I wuv Iowa. I think I lost a couple oth teef, though.
Trump: Rick, go get Jim a towel so he can sop up the blood and find those teeth. Sorry for throwing the chair, Jim, but I am a bit upset lately with all this Ukraine stuff. Nancy has been very, very mean to me. I thought we were past all that. Now she wants to impeach me. She promised me she wouldn’t go after me after she gave me a standing ovation during my very important Grand Union speech.
Jordan: I can underthand why your are upthet, thir.
Trump: Good. Good. It is very, very important that people understand why I am upset. Everybody has been very, very unfair to me. All I wanted to do was make sure everybody knew how rotten Joe Biden and his awful, disgusting kid were. He is even worse than my kids. Vlad told me talking to the Ukraine comedian would be just the ticket, and Vlad has never led me down the wrong path before, so I am just not sure what went wrong here.
Graham: Of course he hasn’t, sir, but I am not sure we should be saying these things out loud, even in a private meeting like this one. You never know who is listening. Obama might still have the place bugged.
Trump <snarling>: Obama … that bastard. I wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t for him. And just so you know, everybody in this room will be subjected to daily lie-detector tests. It is a new initiative I am rolling out with Vick’s help called “The Truth Dies Here.”
Mulvaney: It’s Mick, sir.
Trump: Shat up.
Mulvaney: Yes, sir.
<a door closes>
Trump: Mike! About time. You are late! Where were you … as if we didn’t know …
Pence: Yes, sorry, sir. Mother came down with a bad cough so I was tending to her under the supervision of Ralph Reed and 62 other Evangelical Christians who said a unifying prayer. Helpful and Christian to remember they have contributed billions of dollars to your reelection campaign, sir.
Trump: You sure about that, Mike? You might have missed it, but you will be getting a lie-detector test tomorrow.
Pence: As you know, I have nothing to hide, sir, though I was scheduled for my off-site prayer meeting with Pat, so maybe I can take that test Friday?
Trump: Maybe not, smart guy.
Pence: Maybe not, sir …
Trump: OK, we don’t have a lot of time left here. I am missing Hannity and want to make sure he got the talking points Stephen sent over to him. Even though I have been treated very, very badly, the polling numbers on impeachment Stephen handed me right before this meeting are extremely and terrifically encouraging.
<silence in the room>
Trump: It looks like 82 percent of the public is still with me, is that right, Stephen?
Miller: Approximately, ya Fuhrer. If we, er, round off just a little bit. Ya, ya everything is trending in the right direction. Americans are following your supreme orders without question.
<more silence in the room>
Trump: So our strategy of lying, covering up, stonewalling and not providing anything to the Democrats is working as planned!
Miller: Ya, Fuhrer. Perfect. They-know-nothing.
<a hell of a lot of silence in the room>
Trump: Good, good. And the War in Syria is proceeding as we planned?
Graham: Could I have just a word on that one?
Trump: No. You want that locker in Turnberry?
Graham: Yes. Sorry, sir.
Jordan: <ducks and mumbles something about locker rooms>
Miller: Ya Fuhrer. Turkey is wiping out ISIS and making America safer and safer. Putin is delighted.
<the silence in the room is now deafening>
Trump: Good. Excellent. And this maneuver to destroy the Kurds will finally get me my Nobel Peace Prize?
Miller: Ya, Fuhrer. I imagine it will be in the mail shortly. I will stand watch by the Executive Mail Slot.
<a mouse farts>
Trump: Excellent!! I feel better now. All of you are ordered to feel better on my behalf. It is important. We are making America great again! Hold on … Where did Mike go?
Jordan: He thnuck out again, thir.
Trump <screaming at the top of his lungs>: FIND ME PENCE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!