Donald Trump is a homegrown terrorist, an enemy of the American people, and a victim of never absorbing any real education.
Assuming that landed with an appropriate thud, I’ll pass the smelling salts before we spend some quality time taking a look at our nation’s most pressing issue. It is a matter of national security, folks.
If you are still thinking this kind of loaded, bombastic, hyperbolic paranoia will get us nowhere, congratulations, you are most definitely not a Trump supporter. That said, you really do need to stay with me here. Sure, by all means, you touchy-feely snowflake, hold your nose if you’d like.
Just take a look at this past week alone. If this aftershock to our sensibilities does not convince you Trump is a terrorist, then hearty congratulations, you must be one of the lucky ones who will never age, get sick, have a son or daughter who could be placed in harm’s way, or need clean air and drinking water.
Of course you could also be filthy, fucking rich, and so busy living the high life, you can afford to snort at all the evil being inflicted on the rest of us by President Lowlife. You’ll undoubtedly form a memorable cabinet, and by all means, get back to killing animals and old people.
Among Trump’s greatest hit jobs this week, was his “skinny” budget proposal he dropped on America. The real skinny on this legislative bomb is that it is so heavy on military it threatens to sink everything else around it. His budget is a flashing-orange neon sign warning of the dangers of inadequacy. “I might have tiny, baby hands,” Trump snarled at the mirror, “but wait’ll they get a load of my missiles.”
Even better, if done just right, Terrorist Trump’s landmark legislation will surgically destroy Big Bird. Because if there’s anything Trump loves more than the uneducated, it’s this once-in-lifetime shot at rubbing out that obnoxious, giant, loud yellow bird with the successful, but highly overrated, TV show. Call it Trump’s bin Laden moment.
Then there were the usual deranged things that go on during a week in this unpresidency, starting with microwavable selfies, which, come to think of it could explain his orange sheen. “OK, open the door and smile, Donny! … I said, smile! … Smile! Ah, fuck it, ‘click.’
Come midweek or so Terrorist Trump and his team of flying monkeys were insulting Great Britain, which has always done a fine job of insulting itself, thank you. This time Trump was repeating baseless claims that President Obama was working with British intelligence to wiretap Putin’s Golden Tower in New York City. Trump was completely convinced of this because of a TV show he watched on his local FOX station — the very network that was being killed in the ratings by the yellow bird’s long-running smash hit.
Things got really sporty, when the leader of the free world, Angela Merkel, flew in from enemy Europe and met with our Nazi-sympathizer-in-Chief in that awful, golden room on Friday. Merkel was a picture of poise sitting next to Trump, who just glared at the carpeting, dreaming of better days, when women knew their place under his tiny thumb. At one point, Merkel broke the awful silence by suggesting maybe they should shake hands. In response, the flashing-orange neon sign went blazing hot and burned several holes through the floor.
They later retired to their own rooms where Trump screamed at Sean Spicer for a solid hour, and Merkel put her military on high alert.
While our nation’s Terrorist was busy doing his part destabilizing Europe, Secretary of State Big Oil was covertly traveling to South Korea to declare war on the North while carrying Trump’s raging message of peace and insecurity. The King of Exxon was so effective in his delivery the sulking North Korea leader came out of it looking like Sam Elliott. Then it was time for a nap because all that Secretary of State-ing can be hard on a guy. Another job “lock her up” Hillary could have never done …
But somehow we’ve made it to Saturday and while many of us are gasping for air, there’s still not a single mushroom cloud. After putting you though all this you are saying, “See …? Trump might be a narcissistic, misogynistic, lowlife with massive insecurity issues, but he’s no terrorist.”
OK, but before you run, let’s go to the book that houses every, single best word for a definition.
1.a person who uses unlawful violence and intimidation, especially against civilians, in the pursuit of political aims.
Does that sound like Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood to you?