WASHINGTON — As the fiery sun rose defiantly only to bury itself in the mighty Potomac seven times last week, another flaming rock, President Donald J. Trump, exhibited singular poise and control throughout. The great man never wavered even once as he sat perched in front of his 224-square-foot TV glaring through squinted eyes at Fox and Friends, while effortlessly laying down graceful, elegant prose into his nuclear-powered cell phone.
A desperate world teetering on the brink waited nervously for its Tower of Power to broadcast his commanding dictums on the weighty subjects of the day, steadying things again if only for a minute. If L’Enfant had constructed a man to match his city who else could it have been but the mighty Trump? Four-hundred-and-twenty-two pounds of immovable, mushy, steaming-hot lava. There would be no pushing this around. Even a rocket-fueled bulldozer could not take this load of a man off his mark.
This … THIS was how a real president conducted himself. And just when holding this wonder in any higher esteem seemed impossible, a humbled nation looked on as his little hand reached up, grabbed the brake lever and pulled down hard to stop in its tracks perhaps the most ominous attack on his historic administration yet: HE WAS NOT A WITCH, DAMMIT! And if the dastardly Bob Mueller and his anti-American team of sorcerers were actually hunting for witches instead of collusion and conspiracy against the nation, they would certainly not find any behind the iron gates of this White House.
Witch Hunt?! WITCH HUNT?! Ha! He was not a witch, but a man! A non-witch man, who, despite his enormous size, could shift messaging on a dime and with the speed of Mike Pence exiting a room when a woman entered. A non-witch man, who despite his voracious appetite for the toothy, grayish blondes on Fox News was somehow better versed on world affairs than any non-witch president who came before him. If there had been witches in the White House in the decades before he thunderously arrived, Trump was bravely and defiantly letting the world know in no uncertain terms that he was not one of them.
This is a non-witch man who has been badly mistreated by a haggard, wrinkled, old scorned porn star and her weakling, vanilla lawyer, who clearly have no clue. This is a non-witch American hero who has fought endlessly against a “Rigged System” and a roiling quest to destroy his very soul. “So disgraceful that the questions concerning the Russian Witch Hunt were “leaked” to the media,” he righteously and oh-so-correctly bellowed earlier in the week.
And now he must deny he is a Russian, too!? When would this end? Who should ever have to deal with such ugly, scandalous attacks? Not this non-Russian witch, that’s for sure. No president has ever made it more crystal clear that he is not a witch or a Russian than this one. And it is about time. Past presidential Russian witches would have been better served by making such public, anti-witch, anti-Russian proclamations. But they were laughably unequipped for the office this man fills by simply stuffing himself in any room.
“It would seem very hard to obstruct justice for a crime that never happened! Witch Hunt!!” he typed using several exclamation points for emphasis earlier in the week.
My-God, he makes it all look so easy. Surely, Jefferson was tossing uncomfortably in his grave taking reverent note of Trump’s icy-smooth maneuvering. Jefferson might not have been a witch — we can never be sure — but that is the point isn’t it? We will never really know …
And if there has been one entity above any other that has been determined to dig out the truth in a White House where there simply isn’t any, it is the notorious and hated “Fake News” media.
“The Fake News is going crazy making up false stories and using only unnamed sources (who don’t exist). They are totally unhinged, and the great success of this Administration is making them do and say things that even they can’t believe they are saying. Truly bad people!”
Truly bad people indeed. How is it they are not ashamed of themselves by now … searching for witches when there was actual, true evil about.
“The White House is running very smoothly despite phony Witch Hunts etc.,” he went on. “There is great Energy and unending Stamina, both necessary to get things done. We are accomplishing the unthinkable and setting positive records while doing so! Fake News is going “bonkers!”
Yes, while he was gliding effortlessly through yet another day in charge of it all, Fake News was “going bonkers.”
“NBC NEWS is wrong again! They cite “sources” which are constantly wrong,” his nimble, tiny fingers punched in his phone. “Problem is, like so many others, the sources probably don’t exist, they are fabricated, fiction! NBC, my former home with the Apprentice, is now as bad as Fake News CNN. Sad!”
Even his former home was attacking him now. Was he to be a man without a home? Did they think he was a witch, too?? When would this end???
It could only end when the great, non-witch man decided to add a final piece to Team Juggernaut — another non-witch man, who knew where all the bodies were buried and looked as if he had only recently and miraculously escaped the grave himself. RUDY!
Rudy would save the day, and these evil rumors of witches would be eradicated as quickly as it took his boss to tear through a bucket of chicken.
Rudy the Eradicator spent 24 hours dutifully shuffling from one set to another in the Fabulous World of Fox defending the man who could not be defended enough.
And at the end of his “marathon of defending” if Rudy had thought things went pretty darn well, his non-witch president was not so sure.
“Rudy is a great guy, but he started a day ago,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “He’ll get his facts straight.”
Meantime, the witch hunt continues.