(EDITOR’S NOTE: We are quite certain the following confab took place Friday night in the White House’s Extremely Golden Meeting Room as Donald Trump and his esteemed team of virus-fighters readied for their daily assault on truth, justice and the working press.)
Donald Trump: Please, sit down everybody. I know you’re a little tired. Not as tired as me, but pretty tired, even though I know I look a lot more awake than you do. You are doing a pretty spectacular job as we work to get my poll numbers up to record levels again.
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Get your poll numbers up?
Trump: Who said that?
Fauci: I did.
Fauci: Here. HERE!
Trump: Ohhhhhh, down there!
<Fauci sighs>: Never mind.
Trump: Come on, Doc, you know I’m just kidding with you! You’ve been doing a terrific, spectacular job at those briefings. Almost better than me! You remind me a lot of the kids I went to school with who weren’t as big and tough as I was, but tried to get by using only their brains. Well, that never worked with those kids who wasn’t as strong and as bright as I are. In fact, just before this meeting I pinned Stephen to the ground while we were playing “Where’d you hide the cookie?” Didn’t I Stephen?
Stephen Miller: Ya Fuhrer. Your strength is unmatched.
Trump: That’s a good boy, Stephen.
Trump: So anyway, welcome again to this very, very important meeting. It is key we start getting my ratings up right away, or you will be looking for real jobs in November.
Ivanka Trump: <15 seconds of inaudible murmuring>
Trump: Awww, thanks, kitten. Sure, sure, I know that. But we simply have to capitalize on this disease to get me reelected as you know.
Ivanka: <seven seconds of inaudible cooing>
Trump: You betcha, baby doll. Maybe tonight? On the WH terrace next to the machine gun battery? Full moon? Iffy weather? Warm breezes …
<room goes silent for 11 seconds>
Mike Pence: Maybe we should get back to the meeting, sir?
Trump: Right, right, of course, Mike. Now where was I?
Miller: Getting your ratings up, Fuhrer.
Trump: Right. Thanks, Stephen. You really are a good boy.
Trump: So far my ratings have been way too flat for my comfort. Still the highest ratings any president has ever had while fighting a pandemic, sure, but they need to be much higher — especially in Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania and West Virginia.
Pence: West Virginia, sir?
Trump: Yes, West Virginia, Mike. They are already at 92 percent there and I haven’t even shoved a single one of ’em in one of those clean coal mining jobs I promised. Stupid rubes. I won’t stop till I get to 100 percent. No president has had ratings of 100 percent in any state ever.
Dr. Deborah Birx: Perhaps, we shouldn’t be too focused on ratings at this point?
<Room breaks out in laughter>
Trump: Did you hear that one, Mike??? Not focused on ratings??? Hahahaha!
Mike Pompeo: Women … I tell ya …
Trump: Good-looking woman, too, eh, Mike? How old are you, Debbie? 70? 80? No matter, I bet you were quite a dish 40 years ago.
Ivanka: <19 seconds of inaudible cooing>
Trump: I know, I know, danger-bunny. We’re just having a little fun. Trying to cut the tension you know? We’re under a lot of pressure here. Debbie knows I’m just playing around, right Debbie?
Trump: Aw, come on! We’re just playing! Loosen up, will ya?
Birx: OK, yes sir. But I think we need to really, really, really focus on COVID, please. People are dying!
Trump: Sure, sure, not as many people as the disgusting media is reporting, but I know a few here and there are dying. They don’t have the diplomatic immunity I have, though. I’ve been tested twice and nuthin’. Strong as a bull.
Trump: So how are my poll numbers looking against Cuomo, that lying, no-good bastard? Guy sits around all day and whines on TV. ‘I want this’ ‘I want that’ ‘Trump is so mean to me!’ ‘Waa, waa, waa!’
Miller: He still is holding up strong with big numbers, Fuhrer, but not as high as yours.
Trump: Thanks, Stephen. So thoughts on getting that bastard’s poll numbers down? We still aren’t giving him any ventilators, right?
Pompeo: Smart strategy. Starve the bastard. He wants ventilators he can come crawling to us for them on his hands and knees.
Fauci: Wait. WHAT???????
Trump: You sound like a light bulb over there, doc. Watt? Watt? Watt????
<Room erupts in laughter>
Trump: Stephen, get the doc something cool to drink. He’s getting a little hot under that tiny little collar of his.
Ivanka: <42 seconds of inaudible cooing>
Trump: Oh, that’s brilliant, cuddle-thumper.
Birx: Cuddle-thumper??? CUDDLE-THUMPER???? What is going on here????
Trump: Relax, relax. Ivanka’s got a real handle on our problem here.
Birx: I can’t even hear her! Can anybody else hear her?????
<room goes silent for five seconds>
Trump: Anyway, before Dr. Scarf over here so rudely interrupted us, Ivanka suggested we keep blaming everything on China and any other country with people who don’t look and sound like us. I did stop people coming from China three months ago. If I hadn’t done that we’d probably all be eating egg rolls from our bunkers by now.
Birx: OK, I’m not going to listen to anymore of this!!!
Trump: Sit down, doc. You’ll either be part of the solution, or you will be part of the problem, but either way you will be standing up on that stage with me tomorrow looking adoringly at me and nodding that pretty little head of yours when I attack the media for the rotten, awful, disgusting, fake way they are treating me in order to get our polling numbers down.
Pence: Sir, maybe the doctor has a point, and we …
Trump <interrupts>: SHUT-UP-MIKE.
Pence: Yes, sir.
Trump: If I want to hear from you, I will call on you, got it????
Pence: Yes sir. I apologize, sir. Your leadership through this crisis has been absolutely stellar. Incredible. It is right up there with Churchill’s during similar trying times. Just incredible. Magnificent …
Trump: OK, OK, Mike. Easy now. And let’s not bring the Christians into this yet. They have been very supportive of me.
Pence: I meant Churchill, the British leader not, churches literally, sir …
Trump: I know what you meant, smart guy. You think I don’t know who Churchill is??? He’s just lucky Napoleon didn’t finish him off when he had the chance at Bunker Hill. Well, we won’t make that mistake with Cuomo.
Pompeo: Attaboy, sir.
Miller: Ya, Fuhrer!! Ya!!!!!!!
Trump: OK, I think we’ve got a firm plan in place to drive my ratings through the roof.
Fauci: Shouldn’t we have a more meaty discussion on mitigating the disease?
Ivanka: <32 seconds of inaudible cooing>
Birx: What did she say??? Did anybody hear that???
Trump: Let’s just say going forward, baby, you might want to use that scarf to cover your ears and eyes …