THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, June 10, 2017, 4:19 a.m.
Good Morning American Followers!
Thanks to the great feedback I got from my powerful, tell-it-like-it-was letter to week, pathetic Europe last week, I want to address you directly about the awful things James Comey said about me in front of all those cameras in the White House Thursday.
I tried to explain this to the lying media yesterday in the Tea Garden, but I could tell they didn’t believe me because they kept asking more and more questions. Can you believe how many questions they ask all the time? Who asks this many questions?! And how many times do I have to tell them that I didn’t ask Comey to take the pledge of allegiance? I could have, two. People have told me this. There are many big flags in my office I could have made him pledge to. It’s my write as president.
But by keeping the fake news media out of this, I can speak to you directly, as I will my caddie later today.
Never in the history of this great republic has anybody been more mistreated than me. I mean look at how the fake news media covered Obama and he isn’t even an American. And he has really been quiet mean and nasty to me since leaving. Oh, he doesn’t say he doesn’t like me, but I can tell. I can tell … I’m am very perspired that way. You can bet I was born with these instincts. My father, Fred, used to say, “Donny, nobody will ever be able to put anything past you, because they won’t trust you as far as they can throw you.” Well, as you can imagine, that still means a lot to me. And I was a very big kid for my age.
But before I go any further I just want to say thank you to John McCane for whatever it was he was trying to say in my defense. As you know we have had our differences in the past, because of all his fawlts. But since loyalty is very, not a little, VERY, important to me I am upgrading my opinion of his service in the World War I. Even though he somehow got caught by those miserable Germans and was Hitler’s prisoner, I forgive him. I trust this will not happen again, because I believe in second chances for our prisoners of war. Everybody makes mistakes, and getting caught at anything is one of them. As you know I wouldn’t have been caught. Even though I am very big and tall, I can hide. I never get caught at anything.
I also want to thank Suzy Huckster Sanders for her defense of me in front of the lying media. Even though she is not very attractive I respect her. Well, as much as I can anyway. Which is still a lot — a lot.
Now about Comey’s testimony in front of all those cameras … And let me be cleer, had I been testifying there would have been lots more cameras. Lots. Llllllll-ots. It was pathetic how many cameras were there really. I get way more cameras than that for just doing nothing. I can stand anywhere and do nothing, and the cameras are everywhere. I almost have to bat them away with my yuge hands. So many cameras … Nobody does nothing like I do and gets so many cameras.
Anyway, where was I? Oh … yes. The speech in front of the cameras. Let me just say first, my son Donnie Jr. was brilliant, folks. He was doing something called Live Tweeting. Let me repeat that, Lllll-ive Tweeting. I’m not sure if you caught that, though billions apparently did, and it was very, very special and not at all average. At one point I wanted to reach over and hug him for his support, but that would not have been very manly and we’re talking about a guy who has shot cheetohs and elephants. He’s very macho. I like macho. He really reminds me of me. That’s why he has the same name. Only he’s Jr. because he is a smaller version of me. Far smaller. But he’s still growing, and does a fantastic job ruining my businesses out of the White House. Good kid and very, very loyal.
Oh yeah, I also want you to notice I hired a lawyer — the best lawyer. Not because I have anything to hide, and not because I wanted a lawyer. I hate lawyers actually. But they have a job to do just like I do, so I put up with them. So nobody’s hired more lawyers than me. On that sour note, I want to announce right here, that we have decided we will be suing Comey. I’m quite certain he can’t get away with saying such nasty things about me. I am the president after all. If I had ever said any mean things about any president you can bet I wouldn’t get away with it. Such a double standard.
Finally, I want to thank Paul Ryan. I often think of Paul as one of my sons, but a little less handsome. Well, that’s not true … Eric has been a disappointment in that department. I attribute that to my first wife. Or maybe second … No matter, point is I still like him. Not love, because again that wouldn’t be manly. I do love my daughter, though. God, do I love her. Wow, incredible really … I’ll hug her. Boy, will I … <sigh>
Wear was I? Oh yeah, Paul. Now here is somebody you can trust. I have learned he will say anything to make me happy. And this is very, very important. I should be sad all the time because of how badly I am treated, but I am not. Because there’s Paul always making me feel better. He’s very loyal to me. Very. Actually, I think I really do love him, and I am not embarrassed to say that to you. This makes me different in that regard. Don’t ask …
I hope you feel better for me now that I have throne my heart out to you. Not everybody would do this. Actually, probably nobody would do this. You are very, very lucky to support me. And I thank you for allowing yourself to support me not knowing that I would thank you for doing that. So thank you and me.
Donald J. Trump