Donald Trump screams out in pain during this historic handshake with North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un. A Nobel Prize and condos are on the way for this great, great man.
THE WHITE HOUSE
Saturday, June 16, 2018, 4:21 a.m.
Good Morning American People Who Stand at Attention To Me,
Well, it has been a record-breaking, historic and highest-rating week ever and before I hit the golf course, it is important that I talk more about all of this greatness in my Very Important Letter to you this weekend. I also want to talk about the Christian work we are doing to secure our terrifying border from the awful, dangerous children who don’t look or act like us and are trying to take over our terrific Christian way of life.
But before talking more about these awful kids and their reckless mothers, I want you to know that since I have ended nuclear war in the world, I have asked Melanie, who by the way loves me very, very much, to clear a gigantic space in the West Wing for my Nobel Piece Prize Trophy. I hear this is a terrifically and amazingly big, important monument that is almost, but not quite, worthy of me. But for now it will have to be good enough. As you know, I have worked incredibly hard for this hollowed honor, and plan to celebrate quietly with friends at the fabulous Mar-a-Lago Golf Resort, home to the fattest steaks and skinniest women on the planet. Also, we do have a limited number of Platinum Memberships available for a short period of time, so act quickly if you are interested. Thank you.
And I want to thank Kim John Uno for our fabulous meeting in Singapore. I could not have won the extinguished Nobel prize without him, so it is important that I acknowledge his presence at our meeting. I think you can see how fabulously gracious I am, unlike Obama who was very mean to Kim all the time. So, so mean …
I really don’t know why Kim has such a bad reputation, folks. He’s completely harmless and couldn’t have been nicer to me if he tried. And he didn’t even look like he was trying very hard at all, which is impressive. He was just nice all the time in a terrifically easy way. Yes, his hairdo is a little weird but you can’t have everything, folks. I mean, I can, sure, but not everybody, and hardly anybody.
So now we will work toward putting up condos on the beaches where all the North Korean cannons used to be. This will not be as easy as it sounds, but I am confident there will be Trump condos gracing the beaches of North Korea by the time my youngest son, um … er … whatever-his-name-is is old enough to take over my growing empire. I don’t want you to read anything into that, but I am impressed he hasn’t been sued yet, and unlike my other sons seems to keep his nose clean like I do. This is very, very important to me.
But more on all this in the coming weeks, folks. And I will let you know when the condo lots will be available. I will be putting Ivanka, who I love so, so much — so, so, so much … in charge of this venture. So contact her directly if you interested in one of these fabulous lots. I am told by Sarah Palin that on a clear day you can actually see all the way to Russia from these sensational beaches.
Now I want to talk about our Christian wall we are building on our southern border to ward off these awful, awful children and their disgusting mothers. I tried to solve this crisis like I solved the North Korea crisis with diplomatic immunity, but it obviously didn’t work. Mexico is still sending these evil people across our borders, so I have had to rely on the bible for instruction. Mike Pence has been urging me to do this, but I resisted because it didn’t seem like the decent thing to do. There are a lot of tough stories — fair, but tough — in the bible that I think can teach us incredibly important, tough messages.
One of my favorite stories is when Moses was trying to figure out what to do with all the Jewish people roaming around the desert looking for huts to live in. He was very frustrated by this stupendously tough problem and went to the oasis to be alone and think about it when Jesus came flying in. I guess he was passing by on a cloud, but I’m not sure. Anyway, he looked at Moses and said: “Moses, ye fair Shepard. Thousest people roam ye land as if they were sheep. Treat them then as thine sheep you herd in thouest spare time and your conscience shall be as clear as the sunniest day on the Nile.”
Well, leave it to me to find the one bible story that goes right to my incredibly sad problem I now have to deal with instead of being able to play golf like Obama always did. Since we can all agree these women and children are trespassing scum, we will treat them that way. Just like Moses treated the roaming-around Jewish people like sheep. It wasn’t Moses’ fault all the Jewish people were roaming around like sheep, but he still grabbed his cane and did something about it. Next thing you knew the Jewish people had their own country and were doing great. I hope these women and children will do the same some day. I also hope I don’t have to use the bible anymore. I usually trust my instincts and can figure out everything in the first minute. Not this time, though, and it is very, very unfair to me. I can’t think of everything all the time in a minute.
PARDON me, but I want to close this Very Important Letter by saying I only knew Paul Manafort for a couple of days, but I am still sad that the evil, witch-hunting Robert Mueller threw him away in jail. I beg your PARDON, but I don’t think this is fair at all. Let me say that again, I beg your PARDON, but I don’t think this is very fair at all. Hopefully, they will let Paul read this Very Important Letter in jail. It would be so, so sad if they didn’t.
OK, off to the golf course.
Thank you for loving me and standing at attention while I address you.
-Donald J. Trump
