(EXCLUSIVE: We have obtained the transcripts of what a closed-door meeting between high-ranking Democrats and Robert Mueller would sound like. We are sorry to report there is virtually no offensive language.)
Speaker Pelosi: First, I just want to thank Bob Mueller for allowing us to take some time away from his retirement to join us here this morning. Bob? Are there a few words you’d like to say before we get started?
Robert Mueller: I, er, um, well … I mean, ahem, <cough> would rather everybody just, um, leave me alone to be honest, Madam Speaker.
Pelosi: Yes, yes, I understand, Bob, but your time here could be helpful. So again, thank you in advance for being here.
Mueller: As you wish, ma’am, but I really, really, really, really, really would rather not be here.
<Jerry Nadler hastily enters the room>: Sorry I’m late, everybody. Oh! Bob! Good to see you here! I would have brought donuts had I known!
Mueller: Thanks, Jerry.
Nadler: I just got done putting together another strongly crafted statement that lays out my complete disgust with the Republicans’ refusal to listen to a single word I say. I think it is my best yet. At least that’s what Morning Joe told me. Completely off the record, of course.
Steny Hoyer: Well done, Jerry! Well done, indeed!
Pelosi: Shut up, Steny.
Hoyer: Yes, ma’am.
Pelosi: Bob? A few words? Please???
Mueller: Er, well, um … OK. But please, PLEASE I implore you to take very, very literally what I said during my interminable speech yesterday and follow my incredibly encrypted hints to take some strong action against President Trump immediately. Basically, by encouraging Russia’s help, he stole the 2016 Election and then tried like heck to repeatedly explode my investigation using every devious tactic possible. His attacks were often very transparent and literally nobody should have missed them. How did they miss them??? Anyway, he was then provided cover by a Republican Party which is clearly more interested in protecting their self-interests than doing appropriate governance on behalf of our nation. His acts were overtly traitorous, a stain on our democracy and stand against everything I have given my career and life to defending on both the battlefield and the courtroom.
<Entire room goes silent>
<still silent>
<very, very, very frickin’ silent>
<a pin drops>
Pelosi: <deep breath> Good lord, Bob. COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST SAID THAT YESTERDAY?!?!
Hoyer: Yeah, Bob.
Pelosi: Shut up, Steny
Hoyer: Yes, ma’am.
Mueller: Perhaps, I could have, yes, ma’am, but Bill Barr currently has me and my entire family under surveillance night and day. As it is I will have to spend the rest of my retirement being very careful what I say about anything or even what I eat. I have been dying for a cold beer for two years now, and I am not sure I can even have one without being poisoned. I just can’t say much more than that.
Pelosi: Frankly, that might have been more than you’ve said for the past two years, Bob.
Mueller: No comment, ma’am.
Maxine Waters: Are we gonna impeach this Russia-coddling, two-ton bag of dirt, or not?
Pelosi: Let’s not be hasty, Maxine.
Hoyer: Yeah, Maxine.
Pelosi: Shut up, Steny.
Hoyer: Yes, ma’am.
Waters: I dunno. That white boy in Michigan is making quite a case for impeachment and drawing big crowds sayin’ it.
Pelosi: Darn it! Steny, get me our party chairman on the line up there just as soon as we are done here, so I can shut this down. We have to have Michigan next year or we are through. We can’t have our members spouting on and on about impeachment. My goodness, I get AOC under control and now this!
Hoyer: Er, Amash is a Republican, ma’am.
Pelosi: Shut up, Steny.
Stoyer: Yes ma’am.
Nadler: I have read his strongly crafted, professionally drawn up tweets on the subject. They are really quite good. I haven’t fully got a handle on tweeting, but that intelligent use of the platform is something I aspire to.
Adam Schiff: I agree, Jerry. He said almost word for word what I have wanted to say to Rachel for months now, but just can’t bring myself to. Unless you disagree, Madam Speaker.
Pelosi: I don’t. I better not hear anything come out of your mouth like that, Adam. You have a bright future in the Democratic Party. Don’t screw it up.
Schiff: Yes, Ma’am.
Waters: I swear you people could talk a preacher to death. We need to impeach this gas-lighting, anti-American ghoul right now before it’s too late! What are we waiting for???
<Hoyer puts his phone down>: Ooops, another Democratic candidate just came out for impeachment.
Pelosi: <Hoyer interrupts> “I know, I know, shutting up, Ma’am.”
Mueller: Can I go now?
Hoyer: Only if the Speaker says so.
Mueller: You do have your hands full with this fella, don’t you Madam Speaker?
Pelosi: You have no idea, Bob.
Mueller: Before I leave I want to thank you all for your service to the country. But please don’t call me to testify. My life literally depends on fading away into the great fabric of what is left of this country Trump and his Republicans are destroying.
Pelosi: Thanks, Bob. Maybe I have been a bit too political, but managing this darn caucus is like wrestling an eight-headed octopus. Never mind … Anyway … I didn’t spend my entire career looking out for the welfare of women, minorities, the environment and healthcare while staring down one morally challenged, bankrupt Republican after another to screw it all up by wasting my time impeaching some 72-year-old nightmare who never got a proper spanking. He is not worth my time and he darn sure is not worth your time. We have work to do on behalf of the American people.
<room goes silent>
Hoyer: Can we have a bathroom break?
Entire Room: SHUT UP, STENY!
(Photo, The Hill)
