(EDITOR’S NOTE: We have been able to obtain what would have been an audio recording of the final 10 minutes of Donald Trump’s flight to Tulsa Saturday, to address what was supposed to be a crowd of one million supporters. We have reproduced that tense transcript here.)
White House Advisor Stephen Miller: You look powerful and determined right now, Fuhrer. Like you are ready to fire somebody on Apprentice! Only 10 minutes till we get there, and the world once again sees your strength!!!
Donald Trump: Thank you, Stephen. Wait’ll those sons of bitches get a load of me in Ohio.
Miller: Oklahoma, Fuhrer.
Trump: Tulsa’s in Ohio, you washed-out looking moron. You dare challenge me?!
Miller: Nine, Fuhrer. … apologies.
Ivanka Trump: <11 seconds of inaudible cooing.>
Trump: Huh. OK, wonder-button. Thanks. <clears throat> I guess I owe you an apology, Stephen. And someday I might give you one.
Miller: Ya, ya, Fuhrer. No worries. Ohio, Oklahoma. What’s the difference? Just millions and millions of Trump supporters everywhere!
Trump Campaign Manager Brad Parscale: Optics couldn’t be better, boss. Weather’s great in Tulsa, and we’re told your MAGAs have been standing in line to get into the rally for three weeks. Lines stretch all the way into Texas.
Trump: Good, good. We need to put Texas out of reach for Sleepy Joe. Mike? Is that overflow stadium set up?
Pence: Check, and roger-dodger-dandy, sir.
Trump: Roger dodger dandy? Might want to stop hanging around with those little boys in your church and spend a little time with that gross, boring wife of yours.
Pence: Oh gee. No worries. Mother’s never been better. Why as we speak I am sure she is cooking up a nice square meal and getting the ol’ TV tray out and ready to watch you in action, sir!!
Trump: Jesus …
Parscale: Jesus indeed! And the more the merrier, boss! Your fans love Jesus almost as much as they love you! Maybe you could open with a prayer!
Trump: A prayer? A PRAYER????? OK, what the fuck are you even talking about??? Have you guys gone mad??? Those idiots aren’t adoring me and paying me money to hear me pray, goddammit!!!!! They care about fucking Jesus almost as much as I do. Which is none. ZERO. Jesus is good for one thing: Making us loads of fucking money. Imagine: Some imaginary guy who lives in a far-off cloud is making me millions. What a racket!
Pence: Sir, I must ask you to be a little more polite and respectful when addressing our dear Lord and Savior
Trump: Lord and Savior?!?!?! Lord and Savior?!?!?! I’M your lord and savior you white, pencil-necked ferret! If it wasn’t for me you’d be stuck in Illinois in some farm chasing around pigs besides your wife. You think these morons in Ohio want me to pray?????
Pence: Illinois, sir.
Trump: Tulsa’s not in Illinois, you dumpy poker chip.
Pence: No, I’m from Indiana, not Illinois.
Trump: Yer from wherever I want you to be, and if you keep it up you are going to be from the town of Dead 30,000 feet below.
Parscale: Guys, please …
Trump interrupts: Shatup!!! Listen to me you stupid goons: My base doesn’t know a prayer from one of the holes in the ground they live in. They are showing up for one reason and one reason only: to adore me. They want to hear me tear apart Sleepy Joe and bash Libtards relentlessly, threaten to 2nd Amendment Democrats, berate fucking Nancy, make fun of the coloreds and Black Lives Matter losers, whiny handicapped people … They want me to stand up for the statues and rebel flags and berate weak assholes who are scared shitless of some fake disease and make fun of face masks and smash the lying, fake, awful disgusting media and vow to cage more Mexicans and … <Ivanka coos loudly>
<Ivanka coos forcefully for 29 seconds>
Trump: I know, I know, thunder-cuddle. It’s just these stupid morons wind me up is all. They don’t seem to understand a single thing about my base. It’s like I am doing this all alone. I mean, I appreciate your help. You know that right???? Come on, hug-a-boo, you know that right???? Now lean on in here and grab you some dad.
<pressure in the cabin suddenly drops dangerously low>
<dead silence for 17 seconds>
<Finally, Ivanka coos for five seconds>
Trump: Sorry, smoke-thumper. It’s just you look so good. Your long legs pouring out of that skirt. Endlessly … Longingly, begging, inviting …
<dead silence for 10 seconds>
<Phone rings and Parscale answers>
Miller clears his throat: Ahem, Fuhrer. We are but minutes away. Millions are waiting. Maybe save your powerful, Arian strength for the massive stage. We know we are not worthy to be in your presence.
Pence: We sure aren’t. And we are very, very sorry if we have offended you in anyway. Jesus couldn’t hold a candle to you, sir.
Trump: Yeah, yeah … OK, OK. I guess I am a little on edge. This will probably be the biggest crowd I have ever addressed. The biggest in the world probably.
Parscale puts his phone down: Er about those crowds, sir …
