(EDITOR’S NOTE: On Tuesday night of the Republican National Convention, there will be a heart-warming spot on the Trump children. They will tell a sick and broken nation about their fond memories of growing up in the cheery Trump household, and what Christmas was like. They will also break some blockbuster news, which is sure to rock the world. Audio of that session has been leaked to us by a Republican staffer who was in a position to know exactly what this must have sounded like.)
Donald Trump Jr.: It’s so nice to have all the sibs together again! How many of us are there now???
Ivanka Trump: <17 seconds of inaudible cooing>
Trump Jr.: He slept with her, too? What a dad! She was kind of a dog, though, Vanky.
Ivanka: <seven seconds of inaudible cooing>
Trump Jr.: Huh. He must have put a bag over her head. Or maybe he put a bag over his head!!! HAHAHA! Damn, I’m funny.
Trump Jr.: Say, who’s the tall kid?
Eric Trump: Barron. The second-newest kid we know about.
Trump Jr.: Which mother did he come from?
Eric: Melanie, I think.
Tiffany Trump: Wait. SECOND-NEWEST???
Trump Jr.: Never mind, Tiff …
Ivanka: <14 seconds of inaudible cooing>
Trump Jr.: Good point, sis. We are supposed to be talking about all the great Christmases we had growing up, not dad’s awesome sexual exploits and our secret brothers and sisters. I’ll start! I’ll never forget waking up and finding that fancy rifle under the golden tree. It took a couple of shots, but when I finally took down the neighbor’s stupid, lazy golden retriever, I could have sworn I saw dad smile. Remember that?!
Eric: He wasn’t smiling about that, Donny.
Trump Jr.: Yes he was!
Eric: No he wasn’t!!
Trump Jr.: YES HE WAS!!!!!!!!
Eric crying: NO HE WASN’T. NANANANANANANANA!!!!
Ivanka: <22 seconds of loud, inaudible cooing>
Trump Jr.: Well, he always did like you best, Vanky. Especially when you wore those stilettos with your cute little elephant jammies …
Ivanka: <11 seconds of inaudible cooing>
Trump Jr.: OK, but let’s try our very, very hardest to be honest here for once if we possibly can … You WERE always on his lap …
Trump Jr.: HA! HEY! Look!!! The tall, quiet kid is blushing over there …
Eric: That’s because Melanie tried to keep him sheltered in the tower too long. He might be tall, but he’s not big and tough and hardened to the world like we are.
Trump Jr.: Yer not so tough. I’m way tougher than you are, Eric.
Eric: No yer not!
Trump Jr.: Yes I am!
Eric: NO YER NOT!!!!!
Tiffany: Boys!!! Stop!!!
Trump Jr.: Shut up, Lara. Yer not even sure who yer mother is.
Tiffany: I am NOT Lara. I am Tiffany, the mostly forgotten one of the bunch. And I am almost positive who my mother is, thank you.
Trump Jr.: No yer not.
Tiffany screaming: YES I AM!!!!!!!!
Trump Jr. No yer not.
Tiffany screaming, crying and throwing things: YES I AM, YOU SICK BLOW-UP-FRAT-BOY-DOLL-LICKING-PSYCHOPATH!!!!!!!
<Dead silence in the room for 10 seconds>
Trump Jr.: HA! Got you! Hahahahahahahahaha … You’re so easy to tease!
Ivanka: <19 seconds of inaudible cooing>
Trump Jr.: Yeah, me too … And those dolls were no big deal believe me. It was just a phase.
Eric: Hey, remember that Christmas morning when dad threw that awful colored family out of their apartment for not paying enough rent? I don’t think I’ve ever seen him happier … except when cousin Stormy used to come over to help him move bedroom furniture around.
Trump Jr.: Seriously, dude? Cousin Stormy?
Eric: Yeah, seriously, Donny. I remember walking past his bedroom after one of her visits and the bed was where the bureau used to be and the mirrors were all over the ceilings and the golden lamps were upside down … In fact, that’s just how I interior-decorated my bedroom. Except instead of mirrors, I have hung the heads of the dead animals you and I killed all over the place. I still say goodnight to what’s left of Mr. Panda Bear before I hit the rack.
Trump Jr.: You are dumber than a box of rocks, you know that?
Eric: No I’m not.
Trump Jr.: Yes you are.
Eric: No I’m not!!!!
Trump Jr.: Yes you are.
Tiffany: BOYS!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eric: I’ll shut up if Donny shuts up.
Trump Jr.: I’ll shut up if Eric shuts up.
Ivanka: <49 seconds of inaudible cooing>
Eric: Haahahahaha. Good one Vanky. Yeah, Cousin Mary and Auntie Maryanne were always chatting away when we got together. I don’t think they liked the way dad was always grabbing their asses and shoving his thumb in their drinks. I wonder what they were talking about?
<A door slams>
Tiffany: Wait! What’s Stephen Miller doing here???????
Eric: Remember when I told you Barron was the second-newest kid we knew about …?
(D. Earl Stephens is a retired journalist and author of the book, “Toxic Tales: A Caustic Collection of Donald J. Trump’s Very Important Letters”)