(EDITOR’S NOTE: Recently, the Republican National Committee met in Salt Lake City to hammer out some important guidance for the party going forward as it seeks to do its part to ensure there will never be a free and fair election on American soil again. A transcript of this meeting was forwarded to us from a person who very well could have been in a position to know. It follows …)
Republican National Committee Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel: I now gavel in the start of this prestigious, historic, one-of-a-kind, spectacular RNC Meeting here on the shores of the great salt lake alongside the great state of Utah! Home to my beloved and confused Uncle Mitt!
McDaniel: That wasn’t me! That wasn’t me!!
Eric Trump: Yes it was.
McDaniel: No, it wasn’t.
Eric Trump: Yes it was …
McDaniel: No it wa –…
My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell <interrupts>: STOP! Please, for the love of God, STOP! I’m exhausted. Flew in here late last night after a “We’re Not Really Nazis” rally in Broken Fork, Idaho. We had to cram 47 people into “Fred’s All The Meat You Can Possibly Eat” diner at the last second because some hooplehead forgot to book the Evangelical church for the event. Got turned away by a fucking church. Can you beat that? So we stood outside in the cold, freezing our skinny, white asses off until Fred graciously offered up his diner and all the ammo and fresh coffee we could consume. After thawing out, I was able to raise $1,142 for the Stop the Steal Campaign, so not a total disaster, but I haven’t been that cold since Ron Johnson locked me out of our garden apartment in Moscow last February.
Eric Trump: So, the My Pillow guy didn’t get a good night’s sleep. <snort> That’s funny!
Lindell: Shut up, sonny. I swear, yer daddy didn’t spank you near hard enough.
Eric Trump: Watch it now, or I am telling on you … My dad will never use a My Pillow again.
Lindell: He never did, you dry-cleaned moron. Hell, I’ve never used ’em either. There’s nothing softer or better than a real, goose down pillow. That’s what I use. The crap people will fall for. Made a gazillion bucks selling a rock-hard pillow that cost us 49 cents to make, and wouldn’t want my worst enemy wrestling with at night. America … there truly is a sucker born every day …
<silence in the room for 39 seconds>
McDaniel to a staffer: Er, can you call over to my hotel and tell them to get rid of the pillow I brought and change it out for some fresh, goose down ones?
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, me too.
Stephen Miller: Ya! Ya! Me too!
Everybody in the room: US TOO!!!
Rudy Giuliani: Let’s get this meeting going already. Was taping the Masked Singer and I’m hoping for a callback today. Haven’t felt this good about an acting performance since my sex scene with Borat’s daughter.
McDaniel: Er, yes, ummm, right. So I have some resolutions I’d like a vote on right off the top.
Kevin McCarthy <out of breath> : Sorry I’m late … <inhales> … was running from reporters … <exhales> … all the way over here … <inhales> … They never leave me alone …
Eric Trump: Well, you do change your mind a lot, Kev.
McCarthy: I simply … <inhales> … change my position based on the facts … <exhales> … at hand, and whatever yer dad <inhales> tells me the new facts probably are …
Eric Trump: Well, you run pretty fast for a fat guy, I’ll say that.
McCarthy: Er, thanks, Eric …
Giuliani: OK, let’s roll already. Some Hollywood jargon there …
McDaniel: First, I’d like to vote to censure those evil Democrat RINOs, traitors Cheney and Kissinger, for condemning Republican Tourists Day at the Capitol on January 6, 2021.
Trump Jr.: I think you meant, Kinzinger.
McDaniel: That’s what I said, Donny.
Trump Jr.: No, you didn’t.
McDaniel: Yes, I did!
Trump Jr. <screaming>: NO, YOU DIDN’T!!! YOU SAID KISSINGER!!!!! EVERYBODY KNOWS KISSINGER WAS REAGAN’S PRIME MINISTER, YOU FAT, DISGUSTING COW!!!
Lindell: Stop! STOP!!!! My God, I have a splitting headache.
Trump Jr.: I have plenty of pills for that. I have white ones, and powdery ones, and red ones, and orange ones, and big ones, and square ones, and oval ones, and blue ones and …
McDaniel <interrupts>: Anyway … Please say “aye” if you support the censure of the Republican traitors Cheney and Kissinger!!
<Room erupts in a chorus of AYES>
McDaniel: Good, good! We are making important progress here! Now the second order of business that demands our immediate attention has to do with the peaceful actions of the wholesome, hard-working Republican tourists on January 6.
<McDaniel picks up a book and Eric Trump screams>
Eric Trump: WHAT IS THAT?! MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?????
McDaniel: You mean this book?
Eric Trump: Yes, what is it doing here?????
McDaniel: It is just a book, Eric!
Eric Trump: But we’re not supposed to be involved with those anymore!!
McDaniel: It is helping to inform my recommendation to this committee that the actions of the peaceful tourists on January 6, 2021, was Legitimate Political Discourse. It’s all laid out in this book, Mein Kampf. I believe everybody here has read and memorized it?
Miller: Ya! Ya! Ya! I bow to this book! So uplifting!! I can recite it backwards and forwards while hanging upside down in my Swastika-engraved lederhosen. Want to see?!
Everybody in the room: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Eric Trump: Oh, that one. The good book. OK, because dad says we’re not allowed to read books in the Republican Party anymore. That’s fine with me, because I never read ’em anyway. There are too many words and sentences and pages and writing and stuff. I like the comics. I think they are still OK to read.
McCarthy: I’m not sure the ban covers ALL books. Just some of them, Eric.
Eric Trump: It covers ALL of ’em, Kev. I was there when he made the rules. And so were you!! You nodded in agreement with dad’s orders. We were eating shrimp’s cocktails on the golden patio at Mar-a-Lago while dad was barking out instructions and shining his putter. I was surprised you didn’t get up and run away now that I know how fast you are. He would have never caught you.
Miller: Mein Fuhrer is faster than he looks. Why, one time in the White House bunker showers we were snapping towels when Ivanka walked in unannounced wearing nothing but stilletos and a shit-eating grin. You should have seen him move on her! Like a gazelle!
<silence in the room for 42 seconds>
<a pin drops>
McCarthy: Er, ummm, anyway, yes … I was, er, mistaken. No books.
McDaniel: Anyway … In backing the peaceful actions of our wholesome Republican base on the day Democrats, with the help of Mike Pence, stole our democracy, we must make it abundantly clear that whenever we are peacefully taking tours of the Capitol that it be recognized as Legitimate Political Discourse. It is only through this type of discourse that true changes can be made and political traitors within our party are dealt with in the harshest, most peaceful terms possible. If you support this measure say, AYE!!!
Entire room: That was us!!!
(D. Earl Stephens is a published author and finished up a 30-year career in journalism as the Managing Editor of Stars and Stripes.)